The Super Bowl is almost here. And you know what that means: lots and lots of gripping talk about the legalization and sociopolitical ramifications of Marijuana in Colorado and Washington State. And football, too. So if you’re a Seahawks or a Broncos fan, wipe the Doritos Tacos Locos stains from your fingers, stop Googling “What does XLVIII =?” and get to your printer and crank out the official Super Bowl 47 Drinking Game.
Take One Drink:
- Anytime you hear the word “Omaha.” (*Author’s note: I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.)
- If Peyton Manning gets hit so hard you think that his medically-MacGyver’d neck might just start spinning on its axis like he’s starring in an off-Broadway production of The Exorcist.
- If you wake up mid-second quarter and realize that you had been rocked to sleep in the sweet, sweet, monotone- python-death-embrace of one Joseph Francis Buck.
- When you find yourself trying to figure out exactly what race Bruno Mars is.
(*Author’s note: BONUS DRINK if you settle on “alien race.”)
- When you and everyone around you smart-phone Googles Who the hell is Renee Fleming? as soon as the PA annoucners says, “And now, with the singing of our national anthem, Renee Fleming!”
- If the lifeless corpse known as Troy Aikman begins to show signs of reanimation and you feel certain that you’re witnessing the start to the zombie apocalypse on live TV.
- Whenever Fox cuts to a fan in the stands that dropped $6 Grand just to get stage 4 advanced frostbite in his testes.
– If you find yourself contemplating cyberbullying Erin Andrews.
– If any Fox sports personality claims that a cold weather Super Bowl was a bad idea.
- If any Fox sports personality claims that “This is the way football was meant to be played.”
- If you watch Michael Strahan’s teeth, engaged in their unending tug-of-war, as they tectonically shift farther and farther apart and you realize that there should definitely be a Nicolas Cage movie where he somehow is involved in stopping the theft of/stealing Strahan’s tusks to be sold as aphrodisiacs on the black market in Hong Kong.
Take Two Drinks:
- **CUTAWAY TO THE INTERIOR OF A NEW YORK PIZZA JOINT/DELI ALERT**
- When the announcers drop a stunning, top-secret, bombshell on the nation: Russell Wilson was drafted in the 3rd round! OMG!?!? He WAS?!?!?!? Better devote some time to it.
(*Author’s note: BONUS DRINK if they show a graphic with all the players taken over him.)
(*Secondary Author’s note: do a shot if Troy Aiman raps the Eminem lyrics, “Russell Wilson, fallin’ way back. . .”)
- Anytime you hear the words “Legacy” when the announcers are talking about Peyton Manning.
- When you realize that Marshawn Lynch looks like the token black swashbuckler from any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
- When they show Wes Welker’s brutally painful drop from the Patriots V.S. Giants Super Bowl.
- When Fox comes back from a billion dollar commercial break to the sounds of Frank Sinatra or Jay-Z and Alicia Keys.
(*Author’s note: side drinking game: before the game officially starts, each person declares that they’re either #TeamSinatra or #TeamHova and then whichever song plays first wins and the other group must chug half a beer. Your welcome, America.)
- If Peyton Manning takes off his helmet, and you become concerned that his forehead may have been involved in a pre-game car accident.
– If Peyton Manning removes his helmet and the blotchy crimson square that is located directly in the middle of his fivehead brings new meaning to the term “Red Zone.”
- If You find yourself wondering if Peyton Manning is, in fact, wearing a helmet that he bought for a child from the MetLife Stadium gift shop before the game.
(*Author’s note: seriously. Can he loosen up his helmet a little bit? I’m worried that he’s going to get concussed just putting his helmet on.)
Take Three Drinks
– **UNNECESSARY PIECE DESIGNED TO SHOW US THAT RICHARD SHERMAN ISN’T A “THUG” BUT IS, IN FACT, HIGHLY INTELLIGENT ALERT**
(*Author’s note: BONUS DRINK if you don’t buy that “Hey, he’s smart, so that means that he is utterly incapable of being an arrogant prick” backlash that immediately swept the country like a hyperbole wildfire of counter-opinion.)
(*Secondary Author’s note: As you can tell, I’ll be drinking right along with you.)
- When Fox gives us a shot of the sidelines and we catch a live glimpse at the epic, perfectly unkempt, stubble-off that has been occurring all year between Eric Decker and Wes Welker.
- Each time Bruno Mars airhumps the brisk New Jersey night air so erotically that Prince gets embarrassed.
- **PEYTON MANNING’S LACKLUSTER POST-SEASON W/L RECORD GRAPHIC ALERT**
– If Richard Sherman talks so much that the fog from his hot breath in the cold February air creates its own winter storm front that sweeps across the country. (*Author’s note: Winter Storm Adderall sounds about right for the name.)
- If Anyone around you refers to Joe Buck as “Young Buck.”
(*Author’s note: *BONUS DRINK* if someone fires off any terrible Buck puns that sound like you’re dropping an F-Bomb i.e. “Go Buck yourself, Joe.”)
- If the Seahawks’ secondary puts the PEDal to the metal, making the Broncos look PEDestrian, and the walloPED player finds himself galloPED over like a sick child wishing he was going to visit the PEDiatrician. (*Author’s note: see what I did there? If you do, take another drink.)
Chug it. . .Chug it. . .Chug it. . .
- If “I really only watch for the commercials” guy takes his ironically mustachioed face off his microbrew IPA, takes a puff on his vapor cigarette before sticking it back into his corduroy pants, and then asks you to keep it down so he can watch this Volkswagen commercial.
- If you catch on fire from staring at Joe Buck’s hair for more than 11 consecutive seconds.
- If either a Broncos fan or a Seahawks fan brings brownies to your Super Bowl party and you hesitate before taking a bite.
- If either a Broncos fan or a Seahawks fan brings brownies to your Super Bowl party and you dive right in, hoping they’ll kick in just in time for the third quarter.
- If you realize the irony of Bruno Mars doing a Pepsi sponsored halftime commercial, even though he’s clearly a coke guy.