Posts Tagged ‘Pop Culture’

5 Reasons to Root for/against the Oklahoma City Thunder in the Upcoming NBA Finals

Posted: June 8, 2012 in Sports
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Do you hear that?  That deep, timpani roll just off the horizon that’s  cascading our way?  Reverberating, humming deep into your solar plexus like you’re standing too close to a didgeridoo?  That’s the sound of the Thunder.  That’s the sound of youth morphing into experience and a building, tempestuous roar that, like a stormy sea slamming into eroding rock cliffs, signals the passing of time.

The torch was passed last night.

Not willingly.  It was ripped from the aging, championship-ring-wearing hands of the San Antonio Spurs who, mere games earlier, had looked to be unbeatable; an unstoppable, silver and black clad tide that was rolling in and nothing and no one could stop them on their way to the title.

Successions to the throne are rarely clean.  There’s poison, vitriol, and if you watch Game of Thrones, incest (*Author’s note: a whole lot of incest).  The Spurs are a far classier bunch than the Lannisters, but they still gave the Thunder their all.  And somehow the kids from OKC prevailed.

I’m torn on the Thunder.  They bring all kinds of positives to the court, but I still am not entirely on the Thunder bandwagon.  It’s an enigma to me, because I can’t fully jock the Thunder without coming up with a list of why I shouldn’t.  There’s this whole Yin and Yang thing going on, with an occasional Ying Yang Twins thing sprinkled in.  Just trust me, it’s complex. 

So I decided to present you, my 4 readers, with a list of 5 reasons to root for the Oklahoma City Thunder and 5 reasons to root against them. 

5 Reasons to Root for the Oklahoma City Thunder:

1.  Kevin Durant

Kevin Durant may be the best basketball player on earth.  You could argue that LeBron James has that title, and his MVP performance and more-multi-faceted game certainly would back that up if you wanted to present the case.  But make no mistake about it, Kevin Durant is the real deal.

He’s 23-years-old.  When I was that age I was jamming on wrinkly jeans from the floor of my bedroom and brushing my teeth with Diet Mountain Dew on my way to an already-5-minutes-in class lecture.  He’s led the league in scoring 3 times. 

He’s humble.  He’s well-spoken.  He’s 6’10″ and can handle the ball like a guard, shoot 3′s like he’s playing NBA Jam TE on easy mode, and attacks the rim with a ferocity that seems suicidal given that he looks to weigh about 108 pounds.

If he hadn’t gone to Texas I might like him even more.

2.  James Harden

Even though my wife claims that his beard makes her “want to punch him in the face”, a claim which I find to be particularly amazing (*Author’s note: I’m a lucky man) I still like Harden.  He does everything.  Scores, distributes, comes off the bench without complaining and plays good defense.

Guys like Harden are what make championships possible.  Guys like Harden are what make teams great.  His progression this year may be exactly what has helped to get the Thunder over the Western Conference Finals hump.  Even if he looks like a mutant-spawn of an illicit Rick Ross/lumberjack mountain-shack affair, the guy can flat-out play and you can’t help but root for him.

3.  Substance Meets Style

The Thunder are just a damn fun team to watch play.  They can score.  They can defend.  They have 3 guys who could literally jump up take a quarter off the backboard, make change for it, then play a now-suddenly-overpriced $.50 game of Pac-Man before they hit the ground.  They do all of this while winning, which is the most impressive part of the equation.

When the Thunder are in the open court on a fast break even the whiter-than-Wonderbread crowd in OKC suddenly finds itself standing and preparing to get funky.

4.  Scott Brooks. . .Looks Exactly Like Liam Neeson

Here’s a quick side-by-side:

 

If you think you’re going to kidnap Liott Neebrooks’ chance for a title you’re sorely mistaken.  He’s a man with a definite set of skills.  And he’ll use all of those considerable skills to hunt you down and find you.

5.  They’re Not the Heat/Celtics

5 Reasons to Root Against the Oklahoma City Thunder

1.  Don’t Trust The Russell West-B in Apt. 23

Russell Westbrook.  He’s definitely one of the top 10 players in the league.  In his own mind he’s a top 1 player in the league.  When the line between reality and whatever’s floating around in his Chris-Brown-looking head. 

While I’m completely in awe of his ability I generally get the feeling that somehow he believes himself to be every bit the equal to Kevin Durant, who is a once-in-a-generation talent.  Where Harden and most of OKC knows their roles, The West-B in Apt. 23 often times appears to be the Thunder’s version of Joe Pesci.  Phenomenal as a #2 but at his best when offsetting Bob DeNiro.

2.  Kendrick Perkins

Perkins stumps around on court looking with the grace and the general demeanor of the title character Blackenstein. 

   

He’s borrowed every scowl, dirty move, and faux-anger-that-gets-very-un-faux-technical-fouls manuver in the Kevin Garnett: Anything is Possiiiiiblllleeeee Guide to Overblown, Theatrical Intensity handbook.

3.  This :

 

4.  This:

5.  And this: 

These guys can shoot pretty good, considering they clearly have a team-wide vision problem.

I’m not a fashion expert.  In fact, I don’t understand anything that’s trendy or cool anymore.  I feel like we’ve fallen through a portal to some kind of alternate dimension where it’s cool to dress like Willy Wonka; a terrifying land where Superman wants to be Clark Kent. 

The Thunder are at the front of this brutal assault on our 1080-p’s.  They step to the podium with glasses that would even cause a hipster to stop sipping his Latvian-imported micro-brew, that he can’t pronounce but knows deep in the soul-less chasm of his heart that it just has to be better than anything made in America, and spit it out onto his carefully wrinkled pants.

This atrocity cannot go un-recognized, but compared with the Miami Heat, who’re equally stylistically inclined?  This final piece of the un-rooting puzzle might just not be enough.  Go Thunder!

FIN

Burnpoetry Presents: A Bunch of Dumb Jokes About Beer Can Innovation

Posted: June 6, 2012 in Pop Culture
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I believe it was Bob Dylan who once famously wrote, “The Beers they are a changing.”  Or something like that.  If you can understand Dylan, you’re a better man/woman than I.  However, even if Dylan didn’t say that, in between huffing on his harmonica like it was a crack pipe full of bath-salt and he was trying to get extremely high, it seems to be true.

Or at least partially true.  To be slightly more specific: the beer cans are a-changing.

While I’ve been watching an absurd amount of NBA Playoffs these past few weeks I’ve noticed that beer can innovation is, apparently, a big market.  Coors Light now has resealable 16 oz. pints and Miller Lite has a push top on their cans.

Never one to let the moment pass when I can’t attempt to write overly lengthy, moronic jokes I decided I’d better get to it.  So, without further ado: Ladies and Gentlemen of Burnpoetry, here’s a bunch of dumb jokes about beer can innovation.

Coors Light

-  Coors Light recently developed a new 16 0z aluminum pints.  The twist? (*Author’s note: idiotic marketing pun intended) they have a resealable lid.  And thank goodness they developed this new cutting edge technology.  Because. . .

-  Finally dudes wearing wifebeaters and listening to Kid Rock (*Author’s note: And, yes, I’m totally referring to myself here, too) can go to parties with no fear of attractive girls roofying their beers.  It’s about time we can take back the night!

-  Once famed for “Sealing in the Freshness of the Rockies” now when re-screwing on the cap for a Coors Light we’ll be able to seal in the backwash of Totino’s pizza rolls and store-brand Doritos at 2:30 AM.  Thanks, Pete Coors.

-  It’s kind of ironic that moments before telling us to drink responsibly, the ads for the new Coors product offer us a beer that’s perfectly spill-proof while drunkenly swerving your car on the road.

-  The new slogan for these cans should be “Chug…chug…chug…now just go ahead and take a breather.  There’s really no need to overdo it,here.  Let’s take a minute, cap these and then come back to it…chug…chug…chug.”

-  Thankfully putting the cap back on the beer shouldn’t be too hard.  After smashing pints of beer my fine motor skills are usually at their peak.  Drunk people can’t pee into a toilet without it turning into a urine soaked Chernobyl disaster.  Are they really going to have the coordination and wherewithal to close their brew back up?

- This isn’t exactly Pandora’s Box we’re talking about here, either.  If the top of a Coors Light is open for too long what’s the worst that can happen?  She starts looking prettier?  He starts being funnier and more charming?

-  The new twist-top cans are like a really good “Part 1″ movie where the whole 2nd hour of the plot is just setting up the sequel.  We get enough of that at the box office, we don’t need it at our parties.

-  I’m just glad that finally someone has come to recognize that this is America, the land of portion control.  We only need 8 ounces now.  The rest?  That can wait.

-  Starting and stopping my beer?  Don’t be such a Bock Tease, Coors Light.

-  Coors wants us to stop midway through something that seems to be going really well so we can re-live a mini-Prohibition?  Hasn’t Pete Coors seen Boardwalk Empire?  Literally no one is happy in that show.  The blood is on your hands if you do this, Pete.

Miller Lite

-  Miller has cranked out a new can of their own.  The guys that brought you the unnecessary and highly un-cool bottles with a special design called a “Vortex” now has a can with a push-top, which is essentially a manufacturer’s way of enabling drinkers to chug faster.  You push it in and it allows for a “smoother pour.”

-  I, for one, am excited that a company has decided to embrace the irony of people using their car keys to more effectively binge down one last “beer for the road.”

-  You know what else helps you drink faster, Miller?  Having better tasting beer.  (*Author’s note: I’m not a beer snob.  I don’t think that light American-made beers taste like “water” or “piss” or “_____insert derogatory beer terminology here.”  I just don’t like Miller.)

-  Thanks to this new innovation Miller will be helping more college kids master the shotgun than the spread offense.

-  I’m proposing that the new slogan for the Miller push-top cans is just simply: “Dick Cheney.”  Because it’ll be putting shotgunning people’s faces off.  As in, “Is it Miller Time?  Dick Cheney, son!”

FIN

3 Things Will Smith Should’ve Done Before Making “Men in Black III”

Posted: May 23, 2012 in Pop Culture
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The latest installation in the Men in Black franchise is coming out this Friday.  I’m sure you know this, since we’ve all been force-fed a gag-inducing portion of advertisements and gimmicks to let us know that this — along with Burger King, the NBA Playoffs, Sprite, iHop, and some kind of car — is something we can’t afford to miss.

I was a fan of the first MIB movie.  I was also in elementary school. 

I’m not saying that the first part of that 2-sentence statement was contingent on the second half.  But I do feel that it has at least something to do with why I was such a fan.  When the first movie came out, Will Smith was at the height of his powers.  He was an action movie/buddy-comedy goldmine and a rapper who was the epitome of non-swearing, unthreatening fun that made suburban mothers okay with popping Big Willy Style into their Nissan Minivans.  (*Author’s note: the last 14 words of that sentence are not dirty.  I swear it.  Damn you, double entendres.  Damn you.)

My brother and I loved the first movie.  At the time it had a multitude of things going for it that made me obsessed with the film.  Aliens, high-tech special effects, and a wise-cracking young hotshot butting heads with his grizzled and grumpy older partner.  It had all the elements of a movie that a young male would find impressive.

We’ve now come full circle.  As is often the case, my nostalgia has given way to a feeling of dread.  What used to be awesome to the 1997 version of myself has turned into me shouting at the TV during the 14th preview for MIB III during the NBA Playoffs, “Oh, right, because Will Smith screaming with terror while riding in a space-aged vehicle is so f-ing original!?!?”

I’m a Will Smith fan.  I like him as an actor, if I have come to realize that his rapping is no longer for me, but I feel like there are other things on Will Smith’s career priority list that he’s neglecting to go after the obvious cash-grab that is an entirely unnecessary third chapter to the Men in Black franchise. 

In fact, here’s the things I think Will Smith should have done instead of making Men in Black III.

#1.  (*Author’s note: this one is glaringly obvious)  Make Bad Boys 3

I can’t explain my outrage when I heard that Will Smith was doing a “part 3″ movie that wasn’t prefaced with Bad Boys.  I was shocked, then appalled.  Then re-shocked.  Then I involuntarily started quoting Detective Mike Lowery.

The facts are these: Bad Boys and Bad Boys 2 are two of the finest action/comedy movies ever made.  They are the only movies in which Martin Lawrence can tap into his neurotic, spastic humor without making me want to pour battery acid into my eyes like it was Visine.  These movies are like the pre-Monta Ellis trade Golden State Warriors.  They’re so damn fun to watch that you don’t care if they’re more style than substance and more exploding Ferraris than powerhouse acting performances (*Author’s note: in this analogy, the exploding Ferraris would be Steph Curry’s ankles).

At this point, I’ve even got a plotline hammered out.  Detective Mike Lowery (Will Smith) is marrying into Detective Marcus Burnett’s family.  Marcus, along with a host of crotchety uncles, cousins etc. (*Author’s note: preferably someone like Charlie Murphy) is all-too happy to haze and/or initiate Lowery into their clan.  All of this is playing out on the backdrop of both detectives being investigated by a crooked internal affairs agent with ties to the Jewish Mafia in South Beach.  The Chief (Joe Pantoliano) is in the midst of a messy divorce and has his hands firmly tied behind his back.

The rest of the plot goes a little something like this: Car chase, car chase, automatic weapon fight, machine gun, club scene, wedding gun fight, kidnapping, LeBron James cameo, explosion, rap music, Martin Lawrence too shocked for words, car chase, credits.

You get the point.  The beauty of the Bad Boys franchise is that it allows Michael Bay to do what he loves, namely blow shit up and spend millions on special effects, without it feeling disgustingly CGI-ed or too Shia LaBeouf-y.  The chemistry between Lawrence and Smith is so funny that even the most chaotic scream-sessions seem enjoyable.

#2. Come Out With a Rap Song Featuring Sisqo That Samples the Entire Music Track From a Previously Created Song

The music industry needs this.  We need this.  I’m not sure where Sisqo has gone.  Probably somewhere that would be alternately terrifying and hilarious to us if we knew.  Is his hair still an un-polished silver that looks like it’s a weird coat of primer-paint?  Has anyone showed him their thong-th-thong-thong-thong?  Besides men, I mean.  I think we need to know.  A Will Smith/Sisqo collaboration would offer us the perfect vessel to answer these pressing questions.

All they have to do is hi-jack another ’80s tune with an upbeat tempo, re-write a few of the words like an un-funny parody and they’re suddenly off and running.  It would take some of us back to our childhoods and Smith back to the top of the charts.  (*Author’s note: Alright, the second half of that is probably inaccurate) 

I know that his kids are currently attempting to get their Emilio Estevez game right, taking over Hollywood in the footsteps of their parents, but if Will wants to re-establish dominance now is the time.  Bieber’s “rapping” about fondue and Buzz Lightyear on his latest track.  The music game would be Smith’s for the taking.

At this point, I’d even be fine with him re-making his own remake.  Sound confusing?  Don’t tell that to the people who are already re-doing Spiderman about 20 minutes after the first franchise seemed dead.  (*Author’s note: I’m leaning towards a re-envisioning of “Will 2k” but maybe changed up to something like an upbeat party jam about how dope it will be for the world to end called, ”Will 2k12: Mayan Apocalypse.”)

#3.  A Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Reunion Show

I’m not asking for the series to come back.  I’m just asking for an over the hill, obese Carlton (Alphonso Ribeiro) and a using-Just-For-Men-Gel Will to have to come home because Uncle Phillip Banks has become embroiled in a corruption case.  Will will have to get Carlton to abort his beginning-level Ponzi Scheme and Carlton will have to try to keep Will out of one last stint in rehab.  Sounds like a boatload of fun, right?

In summation, Will Smith has other, much more pressing needs to take care of before he should’ve made this movie.  Shame on you, Big Willy.  Shame.

FIN

Other Boardgames That Didn’t Quite Make the “To-Be-Turned-Into-Movies” Cut

Posted: May 9, 2012 in Pop Culture
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Battleship is coming out on May 18th.  If you didn’t know this, you must either be living in a Ted Kaczynski-style shack in some remote corner of the Montana foothills or in solitary confinement in a maximum security facility.  What you may or may not have been able to tell, based on the 1,000,000,000,000 ads/corporate tie-ins/”most Battleshippy moment of the NBA Playoffs”, is that this movie is allegedly based on the board game. 

At this point, you may be saying to yourself, “Huh?” and “What?”  Or you may have even progressed to the point of “So what?”  But the reason I find this to be such a fascinating re-imagining of a game that I used to play in the 5th grade is that the movie looks literally nothing like the old Hasbro game involving gray ships and calling out grid-like commands like you were participating in a war-like game of Bingo.  (*Author’s note: The pegs that held the ships in place would inevitably break off and leave your submarine or battleship listing hard to port.)

In fact, the movie appears to have jumped ship (*Author’s note: I’m sorry.) to a completely different, seemingly incoherent mix of aliens, Liam Neeson, and leftover computer graphics that had to be edited out of the Transformers movies due to time constraints.

This isn’t the first boardgame to get transformed into a feature motion picture, either.  The movie Clue, which I used to watch every Halloween while gorging myself on mini-bags of M&Ms and candy corn, immediately comes to mind here.  So we at Burnpoetry decided that we should do some digging and see if there weren’t any other lost scripts about converting some of our favorite childhood board games into movies.

Here’s what we discovered.

Chutes and Ladders

An action/adventure that originally starred Bruce Willis as Virgil Jax, the burned out, chainsmoking ex-cop that has found himself working in the bowels of an industrial ladder manufacturing plant.  One night, after stumbling drunkenly back to the plant where he’s contemplating suicide, Jax witnesses the CEO of the corporation murder one of his underlings.

Horrified, Jax watches in a boozy stupor as the boss presses a button on his desk and the body of the victim is pushed into a giant chute.  The body disappears and Jax makes a break for it.  Rejected by the inevitably crooked and/or incompetent local cops, Jax launches his own secret investigation and discovers that the entire plant is sitting atop a massive catacomb of chutes used for transporting human bodies. 

And there’s a bunch of aliens, too.  Lots of aliens.


Candyland

A psychedelic fantasy epic which was originally to be helmed by Oliver Stone, this film starred an ensemble cast.  Princess Lolly was to be played by Sharon Stone, Gloppy by John Candy, Lord Licorice by Dolph Lundgren, and King Kandy by Harrison Ford.

Princess Lolly is trapped in an arranged marriage to a man she doesn’t love and stuck in a life she didn’t choose.  Wandering through a privileged, but empty, life she finds solace in riding her gingerbread horse and snorting lines of pixie stick powder.  One day she overindulges, nearly dying of a tragic overdose and/or diabetic shock, but is saved by a young, strapping Mr. Mint.

Determined that this is fate’s way of freeing her from her bonds, Lolly and Mint abscond to the Candy Cane forest where they encounter all kinds of tooth-rotting monsters and Willy-Wonka-on-even-more-acid kinds of scenery.

While the lovers narrowly avoid capture it becomes clear that one thing and one thing only will save their new-found love: an impending alien invasion.

Operation

(*Author’s note: I know. . .not technically a board game.)

A sinister horror film which was originally set to star a young Mark Ruffalo as Phillip Hockney, an up-and-coming medical corporation executive.  Giving more value to the mountains of cash he was seeking to earn than to who he had to step on in his journey to the top, he is careless in his personal life; cavalier with women and consumed with profit margin.

However, the tables turn on Hockney as he finds himself pulled into an elaborate web of deceit and torture by some of the very people he had so heedlessly cast aside.  With a company that spares no expense on corporate jet-setting, but saves millions by using human pawns to test out new medical procedures, Hockney realizes that his willful disregard for humanity has a cost.  And what a cost indeed.

Will Hockney realize the error of his ways in time to save himself and, indeed, save his very soul?  Or will he find himself, naked and alone, with a giant red nose, hearing the fateful words: “Please remove the broken heart.”  Will he survive the icy hands of the reaper as they descend upon him for. . .Operation?  Also, the people attacking him?  They’re definitely aliens.

FIN

Cinematic Deception: A Steel Caged Betray-Off

Posted: April 16, 2012 in Pop Culture
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Jason Statham has a new movie coming out called Safe.  Have you seen the previews?  I think I’ve seen one, but it doesn’t actually matter if you did or not because I can tell you the plotline.  How, you may ask?  Because Statham has perfected the action-picture version of paint by numbers. 

1.  Statham’s a troubled/renegade/rogue badass at whatever he does.  If he’s a cop, he’s a lone wolf.  If he’s a taxi driver he’s flipping the bird to the speed limit, son and if he’s a chef, he sure as shit doesn’t use a cookbook.

2.  Somehow, through a random chance encounter, this gravelly-voiced randomly-gifted-in-every-form-or-martial-arts-ever, man runs into someone who needs his help.  A child, woman, sex slave, or quadriplegic.  Whatever the case is, if they need help, Statham’s character will willingly murder on their behalf without thinking twice.

3.  At some point in this tumultuous, 7-trillion-edits-per-fight-scene, action flick Statham will get suddenly get heart-wrenchingly irrevocably betrayed by someone he held dear.  It happens like clockwork.  He’s battling against all odds, beating the bejesus out of 22 henchmen in a subway car/horsetrack/medieval castle ramparts, when the camera zooms in for a particularly scruffy-bearded closeup and a bombshell is dropped. POW!  Statham’s best friend, dearest homey, police partner, or his mother reveals that they hate him, are on the take, are actually aliens hell-bent on conquering the world, or that he’s actually their clone.

4.  After being immobilized with grief for all of 30 seconds and, potentially, smashing the phone in a Hulk-like rage, Statham vows vengeance on all those who stand in his way.  Then he proceeds to burn the entire establishment that wronged him to the ground while fiddling like a (At some point shirtless) ripped Nero.

5.  Credits roll.

This Shakespearean twist (*Author’s note: I’m sorry for besmirching your good name, William, I really am) is as predictable as the sun rising in the East and Adele getting played 6 times an hour on the radio station at my job. 

It got me to thinking: who else could hold their own with Statham in a no holds barred, steel caged Betray-off?  I’m crowning Statham as the King and, thus, leaving him off the list, because A) it’s already way too long and B) he’s the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world at getting screwed over in action movies.

We’ll start with the contenders.  Guys who have gotten betrayed a few times, but can’t really hold their own against a monster like Statham.

CONTENDERS:

Leonardo DiCaprio:

- Gangs of New York: His homeboy sells him out due to jealousy about Leo hooking up with Cameron Diaz and, as a result, Leo gets headbutted a bunch by Daniel Day-Lewis in a whorehouse.  Betrayal level: 6.8

- Blood Diamond:  Pretty much everything about this depressing-but-awesome movie is just people screwing each other over.  One after another.  In weird accents, which are pretty cool, too.  Betrayal level: 5.0

- Shutter Island: “Am I crazy, Ben Kingsley?  Wait, are you crazy?  Hold up, who’s crazy?” Betrayed!  Betrayal level: 7.5

- The Departed: Undercover cop, mob, murders, internal affairs, disastrous turn of events.  That 10 word summary is also what every single Statham script looks like in pre-production.  That’s it.  Just those 10 words.  Betrayal level: 9.0

Jean Claude Van Damme:

(*Author’s note: here’s a fascinating tidbit: Van Damme has a credit on IMDB listed only as “Gay Karate Man” which might be the single most fascinating credit anyone has ever received on that site.)

- Lionheart: Stop me when this sounds familiar: Van Damme’s an ex-soldier with baggage who finds himself wrapped up in the underbelly of a street-fighting, criminal enterprise.  Then, whoops, he gets betrayed by his handler.  Also, he’s fighting to help pay a sick woman’s medical bills.  Betrayal level: 6.6

- Hard Target:Van Damme was betrayed by his barber.  Betrayal Level:9.8

- Universal Solider: Dead soldier brough back to life who Dolph Lundgren betrays and tries to make re-dead.  Betrayal Level: 6.7

- Double Team: In a shocking twist, Van Damme teams up with Dennis Rodman to betray all of mankind.  Since he does the betraying we’ll throw this one out.  Reverse Betrayal Level: 8.2

In the Cage, Fighting for the Belt:

Nic Cage:

- Raising Arizona: (*Author’s note: A true, honest-to-goodness, badass movie that also somehow stars Nicolas Cage.) Betrayed by John Goodman.  Ask George Clooney and the gang in O Brother, Where Art Thou.  Betrayal Level: 8.6

- Snake Eyes: Cage gets betrayed so many times in this thriller that at one point I think a betrayer actually betrays their betray-mates to better betray him later in the film.  Make sense?  Neither does a lot of this movie.  Betrayal Level: 7.9

- Face/Off: Betrayed by his agent who thought this film was a good career decision and by John Travolta’s gut-wrenching acting.  Also he was betrayed by some inmates in a futuristic prison.  Betrayal Level: 6.4

- The Knowing: Betrayed by, I don’t know. . .the human race?  Aliens?  His kid?  He spent most of the movie sprinting balls-out either to or from a disaster.  I know this: he was betrayed by somebody.  Betrayal Level: 4

Arnold Schwarzenegger

- Stay Hungry: (*Author’s note: Which definitely has the weirdest cover of a movie of all time.  See: below.) A young, ‘roided up Arnie definitely gets betrayed by Jeff Bridges.  Betrayal Level: 6.4

- Commando: Arnold is the world’s buffest ex-CIA operative.  Any time the three letters “CIA” are in a sentence in a movie. . .someone’s straight up getting betrayed.  Arnold’s daughter is kidnapped and he must leap into action.  When it’s time to go rogue, Sarah Palin doesn’t have shit on the Governator.  Also, there’s this: please go to 2:04 in immediately.  Betrayal Level: 9.12

- Total Recall: Arnold gets betrayed by his wife, Sharon Stone, his former friends, and a host of alien weirdos.  Intergalactic Betrayal Level: 8.7

- Eraser: James Caan definitely betrays him.  Whoops, did that ruin the movie?  He works for CIA, or some other pretty-much-the-CIA type organization.  So you already knew that would happen.  Betrayal Level: 6.9

- The 6th Day: Arnold betrays himself in this one.  No seriously.  Because he’s a clone.  That’s all I’ve got.  Betrayal Level: 9.5

Silver Medallist:

Tom Cruise:

- Mission Impossible series: Whether it’s 1, 2, 3, or 4, Cruise gets Benedict Arnold’ed all over the globe.  With more knives in the back than Julius Caesar, Cruise’s character pretty much spends every 120 minutes of on-screen time getting double crossed.  Betrayal Level: 9.6

- Minority Report: He gets betrayed all over in this futuristic thriller.  It’s not too bad of a movie, so I don’t want to ruin it but know this: it involves a lot of futuristic Judas-ing.  Betrayal Level: 8.5

- Vanilla Sky: Betrayed by reality.  Betrayal Level: 9.7

- Risky Business: Betrayed by horniness.  Betrayal Level: 9.2

- 106 and Park (As himself): Betrayed by whiteness.  Betrayal Level: 9.99

Honorable Mention:

- Sylvester Stallone
- Jet Li
- Chuck Norris
- Mel Gibson
- Bruce Willis

FIN

Insane Rom-Nov of the Week: Part III

Posted: April 11, 2012 in Pop Culture
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(*Author’s note: this is the third in a recurring Burnpoetry mini-series involving a new, highly absurd, pastime.  Looking at the covers of Romance novels at my local grocery stores, surreptitiously photographing them with my phone and then breaking down the ins, outs, and made up plotlines of each.  Idiotic?  Absolutely.  Fun?  Definitely.)

Title: Rancher’s Perfect Baby Rescue

The Book Cover: To the left, a gorgeous woman wearing an excruciatingly rustic flannel shirt.  She stares intently off into the distance, looking towards the unknown.  What could she be staring out?  Is it a solitary, blossoming wildflower growing amongst the wild grass on the bluffs of the desolate Wyoming prairie?  Is it the dusk, burning down slowly to a passionate, sultry evening?  Or is it some shirtless dude, hammering or plowing or doing cowboy stuff?

Her hands are snaked around the definitely buff, and definitely denim-clad, arms of an unknown male.  Wrapped up in those same rough-from-manual-labor-but-soft-en0ugh-to-make-a-housewife-sob hands is a baby.  Why a baby?  Who the hell knows.  My guess is she’s being “rescued.”  With her back to the reader she’s nearly as mysterious as her protector, but she is also very definitely rocking denim.

The man so lovingly, sturdily cradling the young baby in his arms is obscured by the top of the book.  His arms are corded muscle, even through flannel over denim over flannel you can tell his thick arms are perfectly toned for hammering in fence posts or tossing bales of hay into the back of his undoubtedly beat up pickup truck or wrapping firmly around the waists of lonely, en-fevered-with-passion farmwives.  Mostly probably that last one.

His face is obscured.  Mysterious.  A square, jutting jaw that would make Jon Hamm feel suddenly inadequate, is all that can be seen.  Who is this mystery man?  Clearly he’s good with kids.  Clearly he knows his way around the ladies.  What’s not clear is who the f- he is or why we only get a one-nostril view of him on the cover.  Also, isn’t that baby blocking his 14 pack abs that appear to be chiseled from the limestone of the prairie by riding bucking broncos?  What’s with the weird ring this dude is rocking on his right hand?  Is his name “Rancher” like the title would lead you to believe?

All of these questions leave me dizzy with anticipation until I cannot help but open the first page and dive headlong into the rich, warm pages of this book.  And by “me” I mean, the 44-year-old that was standing next to me staring hypnotically at the book while I tried to take a pic with my camera phone.

At the bottom of the cover: “This town harbors a shocking secret. . .” is emblazoned in flowing script.  Is the secret that the town is home to a cowboy with half a face?  Is it that everyone there wears denim on denim outfits that make rodeos look like the runway at New York Fashion week?  Or is it perhaps something more. . .sinister?  (*Author’s note: yes, more sinister than denim)

What deep, dark secrets could a place called “Perfect” really hold?  I mean, c’mon, it has “perfect” as its name.  There simply couldn’t be anything wrong with a place like that. 

Completely Made up Plotline:  Butch Bonifacio is a hardened cowboy.  Living the life of a true plains nomad, he goes where the cattle go.  His is a life of solitude.  Of living off the land.  The true cowboy way that has been passed down from generation to generation, hard-cut man t0 hard-cut man.  Butch has little need for human relations when his idea of a perfect dinner for two is a pot of beans cooked over an open fire to be shared with his faithful hounddog, Ford.  The people of Perfect, Wyoming know 2 things: Butch is a man who gets things done and Butch is not to be tied down. 

Coming and going like a prairie wind, when Butch decides it is time for him to move on he rides like a man trying to leave his very past behind.  But what mysteries lie within that dark, shrouded past that the townsfolk only whisper about?

Lillian Lofthouse is a city girl.  Born and raised in amongst the towering skyscrapers of uptown Manhattan she is as cosmopolitan as her favorite drink.  She has heels on her bathslippers, diamonds on her necklaces and a blackbook filled with bad boys from her past.  A burgeoning star on the advertising circuit, when she finds out that her inevitably mean and sarcastic boss is sending her out to head the new tourism campaign from a dust-and-hard-scrabble town called Perfect, she can’t believe her luck.  Her bad luck.  (*Author’s note: Hiiiiio-oooohhh!!!)

Leaving behind her soon-to-be-philandering-to-advance-the-plotline boyfriend, her comic-relief-offering best friend, and putting her poodle into her carry-on bag she grudgingly heads for the Midwest.

If opposites attract than polar opposites react.  (*Author’s note: I’m not really sure what that means, but it sounded like a tagline for a romance novel.)

In the dark and still of the night, a baby crying can be heard.  It pierces the prairie air, rending hearts and puzzling minds.  This weeping enigma can be heard throughout the town and the unfolding tragedy of a baby in need of rescue may be the only thing that these two fiery lovers can agree upon.

In a town full of secrets, will the heated passion of two people from different sides of the tracks be enough to illuminate the darkness?  Will their rescue of the baby be perfect, or just okay?  Will we ever get to see that dude’s full face or will it forever lurk at the edges of the page like a half-seen yeti in a nerd’s conspiracy video?

The questions may be flawed, but the story is. . .perfect.

Fake Taglines for the Back of the Novel:
- “I want all of my salads to come with ranch. . .er!”
- Butch Bonifacio: Abs of steel, heart of gold
- The only thing square about this tough guy rancher is his rugged jaw.
- “Cowboy?  More like badboy!!!”

FIN

“Space Jam”: A Strange, Nostalgic, Bill Murray Worshipping Breakdown

Posted: April 6, 2012 in Pop Culture, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
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I DVR’d Space Jam the other day.  It was an impulse record, and one that my wife didn’t seem to think was as cool a move as I did, but one that I thought probably deserved to be dissected in an overly lengthy, prose-ridden way.

- The movie begins: I find that, unshockingly, the prospect of watching Space Jam at 11:00 at night isn’t quite as fun when I’m not spending the night at someone’s house, pounding down cans of Surge, eating entire packs of Gushers in one mouthful, and wearing my Juwan Howard Wizards jersey.  Damn it, now I really want some Warheads.

- 18 Seconds in: Holy shit, this is somehow in HD.  I’m suddenly way too excited to watch this movie.  And I’ll be seeing it all in glorious 1080P.  Which means I’ll be watching Michael Jordan in HD.  Acting.  And playing baseball.

- 19 Seconds in: Maybe I don’t want to watch this.

- 20 Seconds in: What else am I going to do, sleep?

- 40 Seconds in: The movie is being hosted by an obnoxious Asian guy who has on more sweatbands than a 60-year-old squash player and is rocking a V-Neck jersey straight out of the “leftover pile” that you used to be forced to wear in 8th grade P.E. if you forgot your gym clothes.  Good start, Cartoon Network.

- 4:27 in: I’ve already heard a pre-urine-scandal R. Kelly & the Quad City DJ’s.  I feel like lacing up a pair of dingy roller skates and rolling in circles while raising the roof.  The nostalgia is so great I find myself asking a question that has almost certainly never been uttered: “When’s the Quad City DJ’s next reunion tour?”  And one that has been asked many times & in many ways: “Seriously, R. Kelly?  Pee?!?!”

- 5:00 in: It apparently took 4 guys to write the screenplay for this movie.

- 11:00 in: Michael Jordan strikes out in terrible fashion.  But that’s not unrealistic.  What is bizarre about this scene?  The size of the home plate umps biceps.  He looks like he’s been ‘roiding more than the 1996 Oakland A’s clubhouse.

(*Author’s note: here’s another Zapruder-quality picture.  This was a closeup of the umps insanely huge pipes.  That gigantic, Neptune-sized rock in the background is definitely his arms.  Would you argue a call with this guy?  Ed Hochuli must’ve watched this film and realized that his dream of being the most obnoxiously ripped ref/ump in history would never be fulfilled.)

- 17:54 in: The commercial break I just watched ends.  It went something like this: pop tarts, something called “Squinkies”, Ninja legos,  and Twister (*Author’s note: apparently this game looks the same.  Except that you could download a free Mp3 of the theme song.)

- 20:52 in: Jordan’s kid comes home from a baseball game.  He seems disappointed, but I’m guessing it’s just because he lost his Dad 10 grand in a “friendly wager” on the outcome of his teeball game.

- 23:58 in: I become convinced the Blue Mon-Star has been hitting the chronic.  Although, since I’m the one watching Space Jam at 11:45 at night and jonesing for pop rocks and Sprite, maybe I’m the one who seems high.

- 28:54 in: Annnnnnnddd…the douchey Asian host of the show just undid all the racial barrier breaking done by Jeremy Lin.  That’s all it took.

- 31:50 in: The Mon-Stars turn into purple goo and steal Chuck Barkley and Patrick Ewing’s talent.  The Knicks immediately go on a 10-game winning streak and the Monstars immediately develop an innate ability to play the race card, but quickly find out that no one can understand what the hell they’re saying. (*Author’s note: For the record, Barkley’s actually pretty much my hero)

-32:58 in: Vlade Divac sighting!

- 38:00 in: While Bill Murray is trying to convince Larry bird that he could be a replacement player in the NBA I become convinced that someway, somehow Bill Murray and Larry Bird must do a TV show together. (*Author’s note: I also have an epiphany that only loosely makes sense — Bill Murray is the Larry Bird of comedy)

- 39:12 in: Jordan bets dinner that he wins the golf hole.  By “dinner” I feel certain he means 10 grand.

- 48:52 in: Shawn Bradley continues to undergo tests to discover why he has become an uncoordinated, scrawny white dude.  (*Author’s note: hint–he’s an uncoordinated, scrawny white dude)

- 50:07 in: Charles Barkley, “I’ll never go out with Madonna again.”

- 50:08 in: “Neither will we.” – Every pro athlete, besides A-Rod, after 1998

- 52:00 in: Lola Bunny makes an appearance.  She’s dressed like Britney Spears but plays like Britney Griner.

- 60:01 in: And now, the only way this fortune teller scene that I just watched could possibly have been written into the script:

Writer I: Damn it, you guys, we need to fill 7 more minutes of movie and we literally used up every closeup reaction shot of Michael shrugging in bemused confusion.

Writer II: I’ve got it!  Wait, did you say no more closeups of confused, smirking shock?  Shit…

Writer III: Listen you guys, I’ve been huffing paint out behind the studio and listening to Blues Traveler for the last 6 hours and I think I’ve got it: a fat, weird, fortune teller scene!  Right?  Right?!?!?

Writer IV: At this point, man, I give up.  Write that in.  But first…how much huffing-paint is left?

-64:13 in: Yosemite Sam, in a wild moment of passion, shoots off his guns in the Tune Squad locker room.  Somewhere in 1998, a young Gilbert Arenas says, “Now there is an idea!”

- 65:48 in: Lola Bunny has more basketball players chasing her tail than Kim Kardashian.

- 70:01 in: I realize that Kendrick Perkins is the only NBA player in history dumb enough to try to pattern his game, and his look, after the bad guys in Space Jam.

- 72:02 in: It’s strange that the least realistic plotline, in a movie based on cartoon characters playing a basketball game with Michael Jordan, is that Jordan has lazy teammates and has yet to punch a single one of them in the face.

- 91:01 in: I realize that Dennis Nedry (*Author’s note yes, that Dennis Nedry) is only the 2nd most bloated carcass of a basketball player I’ve seen this year.  Congrats, Amar’e Stoudemire.

(*Author’s note: you may know him as Wayne Knight, or probably as Newman from Seinfeld, but to me, he will always be the anti-loveable hacker that gets eaten alive in Jurassic Park.  As if this post needed more ’90s references, right?)

- 95:00 in: Bill Murray > everyone.

- 95:43 in: MJ slams home a dunk from so far away that a 7-year-old Javale McGee sits up in his LA Rams pajamas and says, “I want to do that.”

- 106:27 in: MJ gives everyone their powers back.  Shawn Bradley, standing at a talentless 7’6″, gets the nothing back that he lost, since his key basketball skill is being tall as hell.

- The Credits Roll: Jordan comes back, makes a triumphant tongue-wagging return…to the Wizards.  Or at least that’s how I envision his triumphant return to the NBA.

FIN

Sequel Watch. . .The Mood is Tense: The Return of Anchorman

Posted: March 29, 2012 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
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(*Author’s note: first thing’s first, I stole the “Sequel Watch” quote from my friend, Cerny.  It’s a time-honored Anchorman fan tradition, that I am honoring in the title, to use other peoples’ quotes to be funny.  Or to try to be.  I.E. when my buddies and I used to determine our sobriety by seeing who could say “The human torch was denied a bank loan.”)

Ron Burgundy made an appearance last night.  Like a shimmering mirage of mustache, he was there and then gone.  Glimmering in the studio air, like a peyote-induced, spirit quest animal that I had conjured with my mind (and an illicit hallucinogen).

The Anchorman sequel, long whispered about in offices and written about in the clattering chorus of internet bloggers and fellow nerdy enthusiasts, may be finally in the works.  The long-awaited announcement landed on the ears of foaming-at-the-mouth fans like the beautiful, lilting sounds of a Burgundy jazz flute solo (*Author’s note: pronounced “yazz” or course).  Literally.

The announcement came on the set of the Conan O’Brien show when suddenly the host’s conversation with co-host Andy Richter were interrupted by the glorious sounds of righteous flutation.  It was Mr. Burgundy, to be sure.  No man can bring the pure, unadulterated stank to flutedom like the master.

As the crowd rose to their feet in a recklessly passionate standing ovation, Mr. Burgundy and his flute made passionate musical love that crescendoed with a climactic flourish.  I felt like I was watching Michael Jordan wearing #45 as he drove to the hoop and realizing, holy hell. . .he hasn’t lost a step.

Mr. Burgundy engaged in a witty repartee with the host and his trusty, portly, sidekick before dropping a bombshell that’s been a long time in coming.  He announced that after years of waiting, the project to make a sequel to Anchorman was finally underway.

As a diehard Anchorman fan I was thrilled to read on Deadline Hollywood’s website that much of the original team is allegedly in place for the sequel.  That means Champ, Bryan Fantana, and Brick, sweet Brick, should all be back.  As of yet, it’s unclear what the script will entail, but we can only hope that the movie can live up to the expectations that are sure to start building.  I feel certain that even if the plot for the second movie is “Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team float in the empty vacuum of space and say nothing” that I would still be more than willing to plunk down my $8.50 to attend and enjoy.

I, as well as many others, have missed Ron’s musk over the past few years.  Even though I still will pop in my DVD of Anchorman from time to time to just remind myself how good Paul Rudd, Will Ferrell, David Koechner, and Steve Carrell play off of each other at the height of their humorous powers, I have long awaited a sequel.

The fact that the sequel has been so long in coming can mean two different things: 1. This movie won’t be a cash-grab that’s thrown together as quickly as possible to capitalize on the first movie’s enormous success (*Author’s note: here’s looking at you, The Hangover 2) and it will be funny, well thought out, and, once again, uniquely awesome or 2.  There wasn’t a good enough storyline to make the film production worthwhile and the guys behind this film have decided to cobble something together to make boatloads of dough.  Let’s hope it’s the former and not the latter.

To be honest, none of these guys really needs the money.  Producer Judd Apatow, who’s back, has built a comedy empire that has his net worth hovering somewhere between Jay-Z and God.  The stars of the movie have all had extremely successful and profitable careers outside of the franchise.  Koechner, who has not turned into a box office smash success like the other members of the team, is still landing roles in comedies and doing well in his own right.

Rudd, Carrell and Ferrell are all-stars in their own right, but putting them back together, with glue-guy Koechner, is like watching the ’92 Dream Team all over again.

Frankly, I’m giddy about the entire proposition.  After the news broke I immediately found myself re-quoting the movie like I had just seen it for the first time.  Will the sequel to one of the funniest movies ever made be a rare exception (*Author’s note: Christmas Vacation and Army of Darkness come to mind, even though they’re a little further along in their series’ than just “Part 2″s) to the long-held cinematic belief that: 60% of the time, comedy sequels suck every time?  Will the sequel, much like milk on a day that’s “so damn hot!” turn out to be a bad choice?  Will I ever grow out of quoting Anchorman?

I’d love to answer all those questions but I’m actually heading back to the. . .pants. . .store.  It’s the pleats on these pants.  They’re very flattering in the. . .crotchal region.

FIN

3 Big Reasons “The Hunger Games” will never be as cool as “The Running Man”

Posted: March 28, 2012 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , , ,
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It’s the future.  After an epic collapse of financial, governmental, and moral institutions, the world that we know and love today no longer exists.  In its place: a dystopic, fractured world exists.  On one side: the haves.  On the other: a scratching, clawing, bottom-feeding lower class. 

The chasm between the hyper-rich and the destitute masses has taken on Grand Canyon-esque levels of disproportionality.  The desperate members of the bottom class are thrown scraps of blindingly mindless “reality.”  They are spoon fed despair by the unseen hand of a brutal and corrupt government that only sees dollar signs in the forlorn faces of the destitute and they gobble it up, losing their humanity.

Chief among these opiates, these IV drips keeping the citizenry comatose, is the entertainment industry.  Rigidly controlled by the self-preserving status quo, the most popular of these propaganda pieces is a show that pits human on human in a futuristic gladiatorial games; a battle to the death for the entertainment of the starving, increasingly bloodthirsty masses.

The show, presented by the crooked dealing government as a way to promote freedom and justice is, in fact, just the opposite.  Embraced by the mindless, brainwashed masses as entertainment, the show is the ultimate form of repression; a downpour of mind-control, soaking through the fuse of revolution.

Do you think I’m talking about the movie that just made $155 mill at the box office?  Because I’m not.  In fact, I’m talking about the unofficial template to The Hunger Games: The Running Man.  That’s right.

I’m talking Arnold Schwarzenegger.  I’m talking Maria Conchita Alonso.  I’m talking Jesse the freaking Body. 

Brace yourself, tweenage angsters.  Loosen those skinny jeans so you can inhale the deep lungfuls of awesome that are about to come billowing off this steaming pile of factual, scientific evidence.

Here are the 10 reasons that The Hunger Games will never be as cool as the movie it pretty much used like a movie madlib.

(*Author’s note: The year is_______.  The name of the corrupt government/mega-corporation is ______.  The name of the show is _________.  And we can just hire some other broodishly hunky dude, instead of a ‘roid popping future governor.)

What’s that, you say?  This movie was based on a series of books.  I haven’t read the books, seen the movie, or thought through this past the fact that these are only loosely similar movies?  Don’t try to bring logic to a gunfight, son. 

Here are the 10 reasons The Hunger Games will never be as cool as The Running Man.

1.  The Cast

Let’s put aside the fact that this is starring the pre-eminent method actor of this or any generation.  Let’s put aside the fact that it co-stars another governor, a guy named Dweezil Zappa (*Author’s note: yes, that Dweezil Zappa), Sven-ole Thorsen playing a guy who is also named Sven, and a guy whose stage name is “Professor Toru Tanaka.”  Actually, you literally cannot put those names aside. 

If you’re so hungry, Hunger Games, eat that!

2.  Quotability

While that may not actually be a word, it’s the intangible, immeasurable, quality that puts movies over the top.  It’s like the old sports cliché for a pitcher that has great “stuff.”  (*Author’s note: really, baseball?  That’s the best you can come up with on that one?) Or football analysts describing a player who has “moxy”.  For a point of reference here, Anchorman, rests atop the Chris Hatch Quotability Index with an unprecedented amount of lines.  In fact, it became so quotable that from late 2005 to early 2006 approximately 10% of my terribly unfunny jokes had root-phrases in Anchorman.  It’s like Latin for movie quotes.

Here’s a quick sample of a few choice morsels that make this hard to quantify category a definitive win for The Running Man:

Richard Dawson (*Author’s note: yes, apparently before he was hosting Family Feud he was actually hosting a psychotic death-show):  Hello, this is Killian.  Give me the Justice Department, Entertainment Division.
——————————————————————————————————
(*Author’s note: check out this pithy bit of back-and-forth between two actors with unparalleled chops)

The Governator: Now I’m gonna untie you, and then you’re gonna get dressed, and then you’re gonna come with me.
Maria Conchita Alonso: Oh yeah? But why should I?
Governator: Because I’m gonna say “please”…
(At this point, and for no discernible reason, the Governator rips her weight bench out of the ground.  Dominance firmly established, like a silverback gorilla in the wild, she has no choice but to consent.)
Maria Conchita Alonso: Well, why didn’t you say so?
——————————————————————————————————–
The Governator: I’m not into politics, I’m into survival.  (*Author’s note: prophetic words for a man who sucked at politics and then risked spousal homicide by fathering a child with the couples’ nasty nanny.  In fact, I’m betting Arnold did a little “Running Man” impression the night that the news broke about his illicit love child.)
——————————————————————————————————–
(*Author’s note: let’s finish strong.)

Richard Dawson: You bastard! Drop Dead!
Governator: I don’t do requests.
——————————————————————————————————–
Governator: Uplink underground, uplink underground. If you say that one more time, I’ll uplink your ass, and you’ll be underground!
——————————————————————————————————–
Governator: Killian, here’s your Subzero, now plain zero.
——————————————————————————————————–

3.  Villains

There’s the aforementioned Richard Dawson, playing the evil gameshow host.  And then there’s these guys:

Dynamo: This villain is a fantastic opera singer, (because he’s fat, I guess?) and also wears a suit that allows him to shoot out electricity.  Later, in a scintillating insult, Schwarzenegger calls him, “Christmas Tree.”

Subzero: named because he kills people in a giant hockey rink (Again: I guess?) is definitely the fattest person to ever wear ice skates.  He’s at least 3 Tara Lipinskis wide and roughly 8 Brian Boitanos when he steps on the scale.  Or should I say ate Brian Boitanos?  Right?  Right?  On a final note, check the gigantic metal cup he’s rocking.

 

Buzzsaw: a guy who’s basically a super-roided up version of Mike Holmgren that goes into battle wearing a shirt made entirely out of hookers’ fishnets and he rides a motorcycle.  His weapon is a chainsaw, so his name kind of makes sense.  Needless to say, he’s quickly owned by Schwarzenegger.

Fireball: played by Hall of Famer Jim Brown, with hair like a black J. Jonah Jameson, this villain wears what looks like chain mail and flies around using his flamethrower/jetpack.  In the scheme of things, this might be the most realistic of all the characters.

And the piece de resistance:

Captain Freedom: played by another former governor (*Author’s note: well played, Minnesota), Jesse the Body, this bad guy spends the majority of his time in the game show studio where he demonstrates how not to wear a terrible wig.  The ‘stache alone puts this movie in elite territory.

Since I’m roughly 1,100 words in on a post that will surely get me lambasted by some 15-year-olds who know way too much about The Hunger Games than they should, I think I should just leave it at three reasons. 

In summation– ladies and gentleman of the Burnpoetry jury: any movie, I repeat, any movie that stars Jesse The Body, The Governator, Professor Toru Tanaka, Jim Brown and Dweezil Zappa must be given immediate and a Marianas-Trench-deep level of respect as one of the greatest post-apocalyptic, gladiatorial game show movies of all time.

Nothing further, your Honor.

FIN

Burnpoetry Presents: A Bunch of Bad Tim Tebow & Taylor Swift Jokes

Posted: March 1, 2012 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , , ,
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(*Author’s note: when I woke up this morning I heard Good Morning America discussing Tim Tebow’s love life.  This time, it would seem, he’s been linked to Taylor Swift.)

- Taylor Swift is totally going to get Tebowned.  Wait. . .no she won’t.  Damn it, that was the best joke that I had, too.  All downhill from here. . .

- Through the first three courses of the meal Tebow wasn’t very charming but when that fourth course came out. . .he mounted a dramatic comeback and had her giggling moronically.

- Prince of Persia: incomplete.  Racially Unidentifiable Werewolf Boy: incomplete.  One of the New-Age-Hanson-Brothers: incomplete.  Her Body wasn’t a wonderland: incomplete.  At least the two lovebirds have the same completion percentage.

(*Author’s note: for those not dumb enough to somehow have a base knowledge of Taylor Swift’s dating life that’s– Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas [*Secondary author's note: I had to Google some of these], and John Mayer, respectively.)

- The couple dined late into the night, frolicking in the play maze at McDonald’s after their dinner.  Wait, Taylor Swift is how old?!?!

- The couple dined late into the night, but not too late since Taylor Swift’s Dad had told Timothy to “Have his daughter home by 10.”  Wait, Taylor swift is how old!?!?!

- The couple dined late into the night, but not too late since Taylor Swift wanted to get up early to watch her requisite 14 hours of cartoons on Saturday mornings.  Wait, Taylor Swift is how old?!?!?!

(*Author’s note: I apologize.  But I can’t get over the fact that Taylor Swift is something like 22 years old and all of her songs are aimed at the Have-a-Hunger-Games-poster-on-their-wall-and-pass-notes-in-the-back-of-Intro-To-Algebra demographic.)
 
- After riding horses in the countryside, past laundry drying in the blowing winds of the plains and rolling hills spinning with country-esque beauty, listening to the cicadas chirp in time to a banjo’s twang, and enjoying a really, really rustic time, the two shared a bucket of fried chicken and grits under the stars.  Oh, wait, that’s just the image that Taylor Swift’s 900-person PR firm came up with.  They were eating in LA in a super f-ing expensive restaurant.
 
 - Here’s a brief artists’ rendering of what the conversation at their dinner table looked like.
 
Tim-
 
Taylor-
 
Tim-
 
Taylor- 
 
Tim- 
 
Taylor- 
 
Tim- 
 
Taylor-
 
And then right as they were about to come together for a perfect, romantic, night-ending kiss. . .someone interrupted:
 
 
FIN
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