Posts Tagged ‘Pop Culture’

One of my all-time favorite movies, Dazed and Confused, was released on this date 20 years ago.  It had memorable characters, infinite quotability, a flawless soundtrack and — essentially — no plot to speak of.  The plot part never truly bothered me.  It was a fascinating window into a time period that had happened long before my time, in an era that seemed like it had to have occurred on another planet or plane of existence.

That was part of what made the movie so special.  The brazen drug use.  The social upheaval.  To a guy born in 1986, it all seems to rely a little too heavily on the watcher’s suspension of disbelief.  But that’s the way things were back then, to some extent, and that’s the way they’ll remain forever in my mind, due in large part to Dazed and Confused.

There have been rumors of a potential “spiritual sequel” to Dazed and Confused that has already been written by writer/director Richard Linklater and even a guest appearance by Matthew McConaughey’s wildly popular character, David Wooderson, in a recent music video shoot.

With all this heavy Dazed nostalgia fluttering around these days, and with the 20th anniversary finally landing in our laps, I thought now would be a good time to do a little recap of what has happened to some of our favorite characters from the movie.  And, no, I’m not talking about the actual actors, man of whom have gone on to have phenomenal careers.  And I’m not talking about doing your generic, done-to-death-then-done-again “where are they now” pieces about the group that made this movie.

I’m talking about the characters.  What would have happened to these high schoolers had they grown up?  Let’s find out.

Randall “Pink” Floyd

Pink Floyd

After being suspended for the first half of the first game by the team for conduct unbecoming a starting quarterback, Floyd came back his senior year to lead the Lee High football team to an appearance in the state title game.  However, after getting into a shouting match over the Vietnam war with his knee-high-socked football coach, Floyd was benched and the team promptly lost the game by 35 points.  In spite of this highly volatile breakdown on the sidelines, Floyd is given a check for $2,000 to accept a scholarship at Southern Methodist University where he becomes one of the highest paid benchwarmers in college football history.

After failing his 86th drug test, Floyd was summarily booted from the team.  Capitalizing on his recreational drug use, and his incredibly cool nickname, he scored a job working as a roady for Whitesnake.  Parlaying his success as a roady, and his natural ability as a rebellious, naturally gifted leader, he eventually became the band’s manager.

However after differences arose between the band and Floyd, he was booted as the band’s manager, prompting him to famously tell them, “Here I go again, on my own.  Walking down the only road I’ve ever known.”  The band would later cite Floyd’s wisdom and animalistic charisma to inspiring their greatest hit song as well as their best one-liners with groupies in the late ’80s.

Now 55, and the father of three hipsters, Randall “Pink” Floyd is the co-vice-chairman of Metal Edge Magazine, a small but successful publication that caters to current metal heads in a niche market that he helped to create.  He still has a belt buckle that doubles as a weed pipe tucked away somewhere deep in his closet, hidden underneath purple and white button-ups and white bell bottom pants that he hasn’t been able to let go of.

Fred O’Bannion

After finally graduating in the summer of 1978 Fred O’Bannion retired as the single-day and career ass-paddling record holder of Lee High.  His paddle was bronzed and affixed to the top shelf in the school’s trophy case where it still resides to this day, stashed behind an honorable mention Dance Team plaque and three trophies for the forensics team.

Even though this may seem like a complete impossibility, O’Bannion’s life after he graduated went downhill very swiftly.  Suffering from a debilitating phobia of paint, due to a reverse-prank pulled on him by a group of soon-to-be-freshmen in the summer of ’76, he was unable to find steady work in the town and resorted to boosting cars and selling them to a local chop shop.

In the fall of 1984 Fred O’Bannion was pulled over in a gun-metal grey, stolen Dodge Charger.  The resultant car chase — one that involved 15 officers, a firefight, a pyrotechnic-laden bridge-jump, and the national guard — led to the creation of the game Grand Theft Auto.

O’Bannion was due for parole in 1992, but he opted to stay in prison due to the lack of wet paint and since he had achieved an almost cult-like status among inmates for his ability to pick on the newer inmates.  He was finally released in the summer of 2010, where he quickly traveled out to the west coast and began acting for a living.

He most recently made headlines when he was offered the role of Batman in the Batman V.S. Superman movie.  His appointment as the lead character led to the collapse of civilized life on earth and caused Twitter to collapse in on itself like a dying star of nerdiness.

Mitch Kramer

Burgeoning baseball star Mitch Kramer went on to graduate from Lee High in the Summer of 1980.  He was able to parlay his skills on the baseball diamond into a career playing for the minor league affiliates of the Houston Astros.  Wrapped up in the steroid culture of the mid 1980s, however, Kramer eventually got so juiced up on anabolics that he could no longer itch his own back, let alone go into a windup.  Cut from the Astros’ Double A team in 1987 he found himself dealing with gigantic rage and tiny testicles and looking for work.

He was able to find work as a hairstylists for the rich and powerful set in the suburban Houston area and made his mark throughout the late ’80s and early ’90s, eventually opening his own salon: Kramer’s Kurls.

However, when the late ’90s hit, he lost everything when he became embroiled in a particularly nasty lawsuit against the pop group Hanson, whom he attempted to sue for copyright infringement on “his look.”  He bottomed out financially during this time period and found solace, once again, in the game of baseball.  He moved back to Lee High School where he is currently an economics teacher and the head pitching coach for the varsity team.

Darla Marks

After graduating from Lee High School, Darla Marks went on to college at the University of Texas.  While there she joined up with the Alpha Chi Omega sisters to form one of the most hellacious hazing units that the nation has ever seen.  After being kicked out of school, and charged with hazing in a landmark Supreme Court Case, a disgraced Marks went to work at her father’s family business where she is now the Chief VP of Accounts Receivable.  To deal with her pent-up aggression she joined a roller derby team in 2002 and is now currently the oldest member of The San Antonio Sanguinarians club team where she moonlights under the name “Helen of (Des)Troy”.

Mike Newhouse, Cynthia Dunn, and Tony Olson

Graduating as numbers 1, 2, and 3 in their class, these three trailblazers are often recognized as being the Cro-Magnon man (*Author’s note: and woman) of the hipster evolutionary tree.  After crushing the rest of their drug-addled class in academics they ended up going on to create a small company known as Apple Computers, Inc.  However, they were so busy debating the merits of Friedrich Nietzsche’s poetry that Steve Jobs was able to successfully break into their garage and steal their research and computer technology.

While little is known about these three intrepid intellects, they were last spotted in India in 2003 working on a renewable energy breakthrough that would allegedly make fusion generators seem like AA batteries.

Ron Slater

Ron Slater eventually dropped out of high school midway through his senior year.  His rampant drug use had led him to believe that he could achieve a higher plane of existence by dropping three tabs of acid while humming Aerosmith music “in the language of the gods.”  So prolific was his drug use that he was once spotted getting high with Bob Marley and Mick Jagger on the same day.

During the ’80s Slater’s whereabouts were unknown for much of the time, only surfacing at an occasional Grateful Dead concert.

In 1992 Slater was reported to have opened his eyes fully for the first time since 1974, blinked twice, and then gotten his GED and become a drug education counselor.  He now runs his own wildly unsuccessful rehab clinic called “We Only Smoke Weed and Watch Movies Rehab Facility.”  A pioneer in helping stars that don’t want to help themselves, he’s worked closely with such A-listers as Lindsay Lohan (*Author’s note: and her entire family tree) and counts actor Charlie Sheen among his personal friends.

David Wooderson

After picking up his 3rd “soliciting a minor” ticket in the span of 14 months, Wooderson became one of the most infamous sex offenders in all of the county.  However, after realizing that despite high school girls staying the same age he was turning into an aging pervert, Wooderson turned his life around.

After getting out of prison, he started working out and joined an elite male strip show where he was able to put his pipes, his rougish good looks, and his love of getting freaky to good use.  He continued working in this field throughout the ’80s and early ’90s.  Blessed with a limitless supply of things that took him directly back to his heyday as one of the biggest ladykillers in 1976 — classic rock tunes about doing it and hordes of women prepared to make bad choices — he had found his niche in the world of male stripping.

Wooderson died of a cocaine/orgy overdose in August of 2008.  His funeral was attended by his high school friends, sobbing piles of housewives, and even former President George W. Bush.  Engraved on his tombstone was the solemn oath of a solemn man during a solemn time in our nation.  “Alright, alright, alright.”

RIP, Wooderson.  RIF-ingP

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Ever been so completely high on anabolic steroids that you can’t help but pass out into a bowl of Barbarian Clam Chowder? Arnold feels your pain.

Just a little something to brighten your Wednesday.

Just a little something to brighten your Wednesday.

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On Monday, TNT debuted their 785th buddy-cop/buddy lawyer/buddy businessmen show of the past 5 years, King and Maxwell.  (*Author’s note: don’t fact-check those statistics, please.)  I DVR’d it in the hopes that it would be one of their better opposites-attract-and-make-for-dynamic-crime-fighting-duos-that-might-bang-each-other-or-betray-each-other-or-both shows.

Also assailing our senses at every turn are the promotions for the God-awful movie The Heat starring Sandra Bullock and Photoshoppedmelissa McCarthy.

The main reason I haven’t had time to check out King and Maxwell, or go on an obnoxious twitter complaint-rampage about how awful The Heat looks, is that I’ve been watching the non-italicized Heat and the man who would be King (*Author’s note: Bron-Bron).  I’ve just been too engrossed with the NBA finals and the ensuing media mayhem that has occurred as everyone rushes to break it all down to stop and catch up on my fix of Buddy-cops and mismatched partners in crime.

We all know the current formula well enough: two very different people are forced to work together by circumstances that are out of their control.  They hilariously struggle to adapt to one another, stylistically, but eventually learn how to utilize their two halves to form one unstoppable whole.  There are enough of these types of shows out there that there should be a buddy-cop network (*Author’s note: if TNT doesn’t already have that idea in the works, frankly, they’re slipping).  People can’t seem to get enough.

This is the dawning of the age of the Buddy-Cop golden era.

If they were to make a spinoff of the NBA finals that turned into a buddy cop/buddy lawyer/buddy-whatever show (*Author’s note: like what they have every 2 weeks debuting on TNT this summer), what would the best shows be?  What terrible photoshop botch-jobs could occur?  Who would star with who?

Let’s find out. . .

Bonner & T-Mac

Bonner & T-Mac

Tracy McGrady, known as “T-Mac” to his friends, used to be one of the greatest lawyers on the planet.  He was an All-Star.  He had his own brand of legal pads and had just received a fat contract at Orlando, Orlando, & Magic law firm back in the mid-2000s before his body betrayed him.  Left washed up, looking for work, and desperate to prove that he’s once again capable of being one of the best lawyers in the game he takes a reckless gamble: riding the pine at a small-time Texas law firm.

Matt Bonner, known as “Matt Bonner” to his friends, just kind of does one thing really well.  He usually finds his way over to the corner of the office and just waits for a wide open case to hit him in the hands so he can launch it towards a judge.  He’s pasty.  And looks like a grown-up, athletic version of Ron Weasley.  But, damn, can he find the corner and wait for the perfect time to shoot.

When these two lawyers, one a slick-talking former star and the other a one-trick pony looking to show that he’s a Swiss Army knife of lawyer-ing, get stuck in the same office you can be sure that they just might find the winning combination.  Will the head of the firm ever let them off the bench?  Will T-Mac finally show that he’s not a choke artist and that he’s got a little law-firming left in the tank?  Can Bonner ever leave his corner?  Watch Bonner & T-Mac on TNT this summer to find out.

Ethel and Flo

Ethel & Flo

(*Author’s note: I know, I know.  This picture is from the Eastern Conference Finals.  Has anyone been able to verify if this lady was forced to sit next to Flo-Rida again during the finals?  It’s definitely in my top-5 of NBA Finals subplots, even in a series with a million  good subplots.  They’re officially my favorite NBA power couple from now on.  Sorry, Delonte and Gloria James, you’ve been dethroned.)

Coming this fall:  Ethel Janicek is the oldest cop on the force.  She’s tired.  Worn down.  And she only has 2 months until she can retire and head to the Caribbean with her two cats and her collection of romance novels.  But when the inevitably-way-too-angry Chief pairs her with the newest cop on the force, Flo-Rida, things start going wrong immediately.

He’s too flashy, demanding that they sit courtside at the Miami Heat games so they can “stake out” a potential drug smuggling ring run by Chris Andersen.  He’s too reckless, wearing a gigantic, gold tiki-head that is actually hollow and holds a revolver.  Plus?  He doesn’t like that Ethel prefers to crochet during stake-outs instead of waiting for the perps while holed up in a strip club.

Will Ethel realize that Flo is offering her a sip from the fountain of youth?  Will Flo ever realize that he’s squandering his potential and follow the respected vet’s lead?  How often will they be forced to sit side-by-side and endure nearly 30-point beatings?  Watch Ethel and Flo to find out.  Fridays on TNT.

The King & Mario

The King and Rio

The King, deemed “The Chosen One” since his early days training at the FBI headquarters in Quantico had everything going for him.  Looks, power, prestige.  He was a rising star.  But then, one fateful summer day he announced at an unsanctioned press conference at FBI headquarters that he was “taking his talents to the Secret Service.”  Shunned by the law enforcement community for this bold move he finds himself placed on the lowest tier of Secret Service duty, guarding the Secretary of Agriculture’s wife’s mother.

His partner?  None other than the bumbling, lazy, Mario.  The two immediately clash, both in style of protection and in personal appearance and The King makes sure that Mario knows who is in charge.  Tongue-lashings abound as The King repeatedly verbally flogs his lesser-known counterpart, establishing decibel dominance like a silverback gorilla in the deep forests of the Congo.

Unbeknownst to our two diametrically opposed heroes, however, there is a large-scale, diabolical terrorist conspiracy centered on kidnapping all the Mother’s of the Wives of the Presidents’ cabinet members.  Confused yet?  Will these two agents figure out who is behind this kidnapping plot?  Will The King shout himself hoarse or rupture a vein in his receding-hairlined-forehead?  Is Mario actually an Italian plumber with a savage hatred for turtles?  Tune in to The King and Mario on Mondays this summer on TNT.

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-  In case you haven’t noticed the media blitzkrieg that is White House Down‘s imminent release date, it’s a movie coming out very soon that stars Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx.  Utilizing the tactics that got me a C- in my college Gen-Ed math class, I have developed a revolutionary equation that breaks down the very essence of this film.

Math.

 

Mather

 

Mathest

–  By contacting some of my super-secret Hollywood contacts in the movie industry I was able to obtain a rough cut of the first White House Down poster that was created.  It was initially intended to shed a little more light on the subject matter of the movie but was eventually canned, for obvious reasons.

BJDown

(*Author’s note: All dumb jokes aside?  I will probably still shell out my money and go see it.  How could I resist a movie where everything blows up and Magic Mike and Django end up having to ride or die on the terrorist at the White House?)

FIN

 

When one tatted up dreamboat decides to eject the wrong guy from a baseball game due to too much Pine Tar on his bat, world’s collide, lives crumble, and Ryan Gosling moodily smokes a bunch of cigarettes.

Gosling V. Brett

 

And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out this little gem.

FIN

You might just fade there. . .

Anyone else think this would be a much better movie?  Don’t know what I’m talking about?  Check out this gem.

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Today Adidas announced they would be issuing some special new uniforms for a select few teams starting with their conference tournament play.  Here’s what they look like:

738233573

 

Here’s what I think of them:

 

- I knew that Four Loko was getting re-released to the public, but this. . .this is a brilliant promotional move.

- Adidas is probably just trying to make it a little more safe for these young players to go hunting with Bob Knight.

-  If one good things comes from these terrible outfits, it’s definitely that I somehow found this picture of Dan Marino on the internet.  Turns out, the whole “laces out” incident may not have been the most embarrassing moment of Marino’s career.

-  Kansas’ shorts are definitely going to be reminding old timers of “The Great Crotch Blizzard of ’53” that swept through the midwest, decimating dignity and cropland alike.

-  Adidas seem hell-bent on re-sleeving basketball jerseys.  I’m guessing the key reason behind this change is in an effort to stop basketball players from displaying tattoos that look like this:

(*Author’s note: that would be NBA player Richard Jefferson.  Although you have to be 18 to get a tattoo in most places, this tattoo confirms that you can, in fact, get a tattoo from an 11-year-old aspiring cartoon writer.)

-  Notre Dame student section: I will be fully expecting you to crank out a Harlem Shake video sporting your team’s new colors called, “The Shamrock Shake.”  This psuedo-dance craze will sweep through your school with unhaltable momentum.  Until Manti Te’o is drafted by the Cleveland Browns, the skidmark on the undies of the NFL.

-  While sporting Zubaz shorts hasn’t tested well in the market place, they have still outsold the failed Nike product the “Air Hammerpants.”

Hammertime!

-  A quick skit about the most plausible reasoning behind these uniforms:

Designer 1: “Quick, the deadline’s almost here for those Conference Tourney uniforms!  What’re we gonna do?  What’re we gonna do!?!?”

Designer 2: “I know just the guys to solve this problem.”

-  Did I mention that these shorts look exactly like a bunch of cans of Four F-ing Loko?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Conspiracy theorists unite!

Conspiracy theorists unite!