Do you feel that, the reader? That subtle, unclenching of summer’s white-knuckled fist? That loosening of the hangman’s knot of heat that’s been anaconda-ing around our sweaty throats for months now? That’s the feel of fall creeping back into our lives. That’s the feeling of the best month out of the 12 starting last Tuesday and the glorious, delectable weeks to follow.
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit of an October aficionado.
I think that it’s the Michael Jordan of months, playing on the Dream Team of seasons (*Author’s note: the fall) and that it is seated firmly atop the throne for greatest single month of all time. Don’t believe me?
Ladies and gentlemen of the Burnpoetry jury, may I present to you Exhibit A in the case of Crunktober V. Everyothermonth.
The October Diet
What exactly are we talking about here? Hot apple cider. Pumpkin Spiced everythings. I’m talking candy on top of candy mixed in with horror-movie-clutching popcorn. I’m talking so many candied, porking-you-up goodies that even the flesh-eating hordes of zombies from 28 Days Later will say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, man. Ease up on the mini-Snickers, will ya? I’m not trying to get diabetes, here.”
The food in October is the best. Soups and chilis are starting to make a comeback. Tailgate food is Rodney King-ing your arteries in the best possible way. Hot cocoa is exhumed from the shallow grave of August and begins hitting your tastebuds once more. In short, if your menu for the entire month doesn’t look something like this:
then I really don’t think we’re probably going to be friends.
Moving on to exhibit B. . .
Football is on a Minimum of 5 nights a Week
And, as the recession-proofed self-sustaining economic juggernaut that is football in America has continued to boom with weeknight games, they’ve morphed from atrocious games to pretty good matchups. Sure, sometimes you’ll get “stuck” watching The Cal Poly Technical Institute of Santa Barabara at San Bernadino V.S. the Montana Culinary Institute of Bozeman. But you know you’ll watch just a little bit of it. It’s at least worth a drive-by watching on your way to the 4th scary movie of the day, isn’t it?
And, even though my wife is probably mentally signing the divorce papers right now, it’s the perfect time to plop down on the couch, pile underneath some blankets and watch and watch and watch and watch.
Before we hit up exhibit C, here’s a quick example of what my DVR/TV Guide looks like in the greatest month ever:
Fall Fashion? Fall Fashion.
I needed to repeat it to myself to make sure I was actually typing a heading called “fall fashion.” But, can’t we all be honest with ourselves: sweat pants and hoodies are the best. Not only do they make us look like we’re in Eminem’s posse for a 2006 music video shoot, they’re also comfortable. As. Shit.
Here’s a glimpse at what everyone feels like when they’re rocking a gigantic, comfortable sweatshirt:
And if that doesn’t make you feel like bumping some G-Unit then I don’t know what will.
We may have even tried to pull them out of the closet at some ill-advised point this summer, whether it be for a camping trip or when the weather took a precipitous turn towards not-hotter-than-hell, but it proved to be too soon. Not anymore. It’s time to toss on some warm clothes, pimp-walk out to your nearest pile of leaves and dive in.
In honor of the rap-theme in this reason, we’ll call the next piece of evidence Xzibit D. . .
All Horror Movie Everything
I’m an admitted horror movie junkie. On any give night you can find me thumping my digital forearm, looking for the perfect vein to inject another fix of pre-marital-sexers-getting-iced and boozed teenagers getting hacked to pieces. I am continually thrilled by sobbing people who can’t ever seem to find their footing in the dark woods and inevitably crash and burn while looking over their heaving shoulders.
October gets me. October doesn’t judge me for creating things like this:
and October understands that this insane enjoyment of murderous mayhem isn’t an unnatural thing. It understands that I don’t, in fact, needed padded walls and intense psycho-therapy for 4 hours a day, what I really need is Halloween 4 followed up by Halloween 5 followed up by Halloween 4 again. October understands that creepy movies are the best movies and that vice-gripped handholding is best when it’s done under blankets as a chill breeze seeps through the windows and darkness falls a little earlier than you’d like it to. Embrace the creepiness. Over-indulge in horror and let yourself get a little creeped out. October would be proud.
Exhibit E coming at you next. . .
The Leaves Change Colors. . .And I Promptly Lose My Shit Over the Beauty of Nature
I’m prone to nature-related sentimentality in all forms. I enjoy a good full moon over freshly fallen snow. I appreciate a great view of the summer stars out in the country. But in no way do these other natural occurrences prepare me for how ludicrously hyped up I get for the leaves to change colors on the trees. In October, we suddenly go from uniform, boring green leaves, to an explosion of nature-concocted Molotov-cocktail-kissed beauty.
Before you accuse me of being a total sap (*Author’s note: I am) and before you start asking me to pack up my emo-praise for the all-encompassing beauty of nature, just think about it. Do you like fireworks? Who doesn’t right? So what if you could take fireworks, stop them in mid-explosion, stick that mofo into the ground in your yard and then look at them for an entire month. If that doesn’t sound cool to you, then just move to the Saharan desert you slash-and-burn-the-rainforest, paradise-paving-for-John-Mayer’s-parking-lot jerk. October doesn’t need you. You can have August all to yourself. Go wait there. We’ll be back in 10 months.
And, finally, there’s Exhibit F. . .
This holiday, which is definitely in the top 3 of American Holidays gives everyone what they want. Are you a girl that has always wanted to let our her inner floozy? Pow. Halloween has got your back. You can wear Saran wrap for all Halloween cares. You wanna put fake blood stains on an old work shirt and claim that you’ve finally gotten your revenge on Stan, the IT guy from 3 cubicles over? Halloween will laugh at that like it’s the funniest joke ever (*Author’s note: not a reason to check into getting a frontal cortex lobotomy.). You want to just sit back and perv-out on girls wearing Saran wrap or watch as normally sane people attempt to dress up like Snookie-if-she-was-an-undead-zombie? Halloween is cool with that, too. End by extension, so is October.
In conclusion: October is crunktober. I now rest my case.