I believe it was Bob Dylan who once famously wrote, “The Beers they are a changing.” Or something like that. If you can understand Dylan, you’re a better man/woman than I. However, even if Dylan didn’t say that, in between huffing on his harmonica like it was a crack pipe full of bath-salt and he was trying to get extremely high, it seems to be true.
Or at least partially true. To be slightly more specific: the beer cans are a-changing.
While I’ve been watching an absurd amount of NBA Playoffs these past few weeks I’ve noticed that beer can innovation is, apparently, a big market. Coors Light now has resealable 16 oz. pints and Miller Lite has a push top on their cans.
Never one to let the moment pass when I can’t attempt to write overly lengthy, moronic jokes I decided I’d better get to it. So, without further ado: Ladies and Gentlemen of Burnpoetry, here’s a bunch of dumb jokes about beer can innovation.
- Coors Light recently developed a new 16 0z aluminum pints. The twist? (*Author’s note: idiotic marketing pun intended) they have a resealable lid. And thank goodness they developed this new cutting edge technology. Because. . .
- Finally dudes wearing wifebeaters and listening to Kid Rock (*Author’s note: And, yes, I’m totally referring to myself here, too) can go to parties with no fear of attractive girls roofying their beers. It’s about time we can take back the night!
- Once famed for “Sealing in the Freshness of the Rockies” now when re-screwing on the cap for a Coors Light we’ll be able to seal in the backwash of Totino’s pizza rolls and store-brand Doritos at 2:30 AM. Thanks, Pete Coors.
- It’s kind of ironic that moments before telling us to drink responsibly, the ads for the new Coors product offer us a beer that’s perfectly spill-proof while drunkenly swerving your car on the road.
- The new slogan for these cans should be “Chug…chug…chug…now just go ahead and take a breather. There’s really no need to overdo it,here. Let’s take a minute, cap these and then come back to it…chug…chug…chug.”
- Thankfully putting the cap back on the beer shouldn’t be too hard. After smashing pints of beer my fine motor skills are usually at their peak. Drunk people can’t pee into a toilet without it turning into a urine soaked Chernobyl disaster. Are they really going to have the coordination and wherewithal to close their brew back up?
- This isn’t exactly Pandora’s Box we’re talking about here, either. If the top of a Coors Light is open for too long what’s the worst that can happen? She starts looking prettier? He starts being funnier and more charming?
- The new twist-top cans are like a really good “Part 1″ movie where the whole 2nd hour of the plot is just setting up the sequel. We get enough of that at the box office, we don’t need it at our parties.
- I’m just glad that finally someone has come to recognize that this is America, the land of portion control. We only need 8 ounces now. The rest? That can wait.
- Starting and stopping my beer? Don’t be such a Bock Tease, Coors Light.
- Coors wants us to stop midway through something that seems to be going really well so we can re-live a mini-Prohibition? Hasn’t Pete Coors seen Boardwalk Empire? Literally no one is happy in that show. The blood is on your hands if you do this, Pete.
- Miller has cranked out a new can of their own. The guys that brought you the unnecessary and highly un-cool bottles with a special design called a “Vortex” now has a can with a push-top, which is essentially a manufacturer’s way of enabling drinkers to chug faster. You push it in and it allows for a “smoother pour.”
- I, for one, am excited that a company has decided to embrace the irony of people using their car keys to more effectively binge down one last “beer for the road.”
- You know what else helps you drink faster, Miller? Having better tasting beer. (*Author’s note: I’m not a beer snob. I don’t think that light American-made beers taste like “water” or “piss” or “_____insert derogatory beer terminology here.” I just don’t like Miller.)
- Thanks to this new innovation Miller will be helping more college kids master the shotgun than the spread offense.
- I’m proposing that the new slogan for the Miller push-top cans is just simply: “Dick Cheney.” Because it’ll be putting shotgunning people’s faces off. As in, “Is it Miller Time? Dick Cheney, son!”