Posts Tagged ‘NBA’

5 Ways (Other Than Cash) Chris Hansen Could’ve Convinced the NBA to Move The Kings to Seattle

Posted: May 17, 2013 in Sports
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On May 15th the NBA rejected a group of investors’ bid to move the Sacramento Kings to Seattle, Washington, the home of the one-time Seattle Supersonics.  The team, the league’s Board of Governors (*Author’s note: this is the part where I started imagining Marc Cuban wearing a powdered wig and shouting out “Nay, good sir!  Nay!” during an antiquated voting scenario.  Board of Governors?  They shouldn’t be allowed have such an awesomely old school name without wearing black robes and wigs worn by the Whigs.  Your move, David Stern.) ruled on Wednesday, would be staying right where they are.

This comes on the heels of the Seattle group’s latest attempts to woo the oft-times waffling Maloof brothers, the current owners of the Kings, with another fat valuation increase that saw the potential northern invaders offering up an additional 50 million in cash for the team; a kind of financial middle finger to the league for rejecting their initial proposal.  A kind of, “oh, you don’t think we want the team bad enough?  He’s another 50 large to calm your nerves.”  Or as Chris Rock playing a the ghost of a black guy trapped inside a living white guy’s body once said, “Shut up before I crush you with my wallet.”

So why did the NBA reject the offer from the Seattle investors?  It certainly wasn’t money.  Maybe it was something else.  Something less in the public eye.  After all, the cliché mongers say, it’s the little things that count, right?

That got me thinking.  What could the Seattle billionaires have done differently?  What could they have used to sweeten the pot, to entice the all-powerful Board of Governors to appease their request and return a franchise to the once-great basketball city of Seattle?  Here’s a few ideas that I firmly believe would have let the Board of Governors know they really meant business.  Had they utilized these options, I think we’d be discussing what to call the newly purchased Seattle Kingersonics and talking about the ramifications of another team headed further north on the west coast.

1.  Make every night a Detlef Schrempf bobblehead night.

Say his name.  Go ahead.  Try it.  You’ll sound like Elmer Fudd after his fourth keg stand.  That name will gloriously roll off your lisping lips and crash-land onto someone’s ears with all the grace of a Kamikaze airplane.  Detlef needs to be remembered.  Not for the 13.9 career scoring average, or even his delectable cocktail of ‘80s hair (*Author’s note: Two shots flat-top, one shot military buzzcut, two shots mullet.  Mix in a blender and pour over goofy whiteness.  Enjoy!).  No, Detlef needs to be remembered as a Seattle Supersonic.  A team and a place where a guy who looks like this can get his own Taco Trading card.  (*Author’s note: how did I NOT know there were taco trading cards?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)

2.  Get Sir Mix-a-Lot on board as a minority owner.

(*Author’s note: no, not that kind of minority.  Racists.)

Seattle doesn’t have much of a hip-hop past.  I checked Wikepedia and there really wasn’t much.  So who should the Seattle investors have rolled out as their rap-game mogul that wanted in on the action?  Look no further than Mix-a-Lot.  Yeah, I understand we’re all completely sick to death of hearing morons do karaoke impressions of “Baby Got Back.”  But Sir Mix-a-Lot had a ton of other hits, right?  Right?!?!  Well I still love this song, and besides, who can’t picture Boogie Cousins, Jimmer Fredette, and John Salmons all doing the “jump on it” dance at the start of the second half?

3.  Hire Shawn Kemp as the team life coach.  Then have the team do the exact opposite of everything he tells them.

The team could air these little segments called, “It’s Reigning Men”, on the team’s big screen during halftime of the games.  Who could say no to that?  Plus, Shawn Kemps 18 kids need the money.  Here’s one guy who we know not only had a taco trading card, he probably used that taco trading card to buy a few 6 Pack and 6 Pounds meals.

4.  I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice, I’ve said it fiftyleven times.  Get Phil Jackson on board with the team in some capacity.

How hard could it be to get Phil, his bong, and his motorcycle collection to a place that has legalized weed, a salivating (*Author’s note: or on Salvia) fan base and long stretches of isolated coastline to ride on?  He’d be in faster than you could hotbox a hookah tent.

5.  And speaking of legalized marijuana. . .

Pot brownie concession stands.  Think of all the revenue that would generate?  Sure it’s a nightmare for the league’s image.  Sure Boogie Cousins would be spotted during 30-second timeouts hammering down a gigantic brownie loaded with canibus, but if you think people spend a lot of money at the concession stand now?  Wait until they’ve gotten stricken with the munchies and their team is down 23 in the 4th quarter.

In short, the Seattle guys totally botched this one.  Thankfully, in about 15 minutes the Pelicans, Bobcats, and any other terribly-run organization will probably be looking to pack up and ship out.  Hold onto your money, boys.  And next time, call me when you’re getting ready to do the negotiations.

FIN

In Case You Were Wondering What Perv-Shaq Looks Like, Here’s a GIF of Him Creepily Hitting on Skylar Diggins

Posted: May 3, 2013 in Burnvisuals, Sports
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“Call me.” Lick finger. Vomit.

FIN

Burnpoetry Exclusive: Russell Westbrook’s Diggy Diggy Dope Hospital Gown

Posted: April 29, 2013 in Burnvisuals, Sports
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As you may or may not know, Russell Westbrook (*Author’s note: or as I like to call him, The Russell West-B in Apt. 23) tore his meniscus in the Thunder’s first round matchup against the Houston Rockets.  As you also may or may not know, The Russell West-B in Apt. 23 also likes to dress like an insane cocktail of Lady Gaga and LMFAO.  We here at Burnpoetry were able to obtain an exclusive look at his one of a kind hospital gown he was rocking during the aforementioned surgery.  Enjoy.

Russell West-B

And by “fresh” I mean “stupid.”

FIN

Burnpoetry Presents: The ONBAA (The Other NBA Awards), Regular Season Edition

Posted: April 18, 2013 in Miscellaneous
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The NBA Regular season is over.  After running for nearly 7 months and 82 games, the 2012-2013 season has finally ceased to exist.  But, damn, what a year!  We had historic winning streaks, coaches getting axed like they were shouting “Freeeeeedoooooom!” at the end of Braveheart, and a wide swath of Hall of Fame talent that has continued to impress with athleticism and skill that was missing in the mid-2000s.

If you’re an NBA fan, you probably already knew all that.  If you’re not an NBA fan, you probably didn’t care about all that.  The bottom line is this: one of the most exciting regular seasons in recent memory just came to an explosive conclusion and the NBA Playoffs are about to start.  But before we look ahead to the glorious, beautiful stretch of non-stop NBA hooping action, let’s recap the season that was by handing out some end-of-the-year awards.

Let me be clear, however, that this won’t be the awards you’re used to.  These are more off the beaten path.  Since every news outlet with a keyboard is currently cranking out columns with their take on who should get MVP and the 6th man of the year, I’ve decided to try to break out and (*Author’s note: even though it’s illegal in the sport) take the path less traveled on.

Ladies and Gentleman of Burnpoetry, here are your Other NBA Awards:

Best Ejection:  Larry Sanders, Milwaukee Bucks

Sanders had this one on lock from the moment he started firing his thumbs around in mock approval of the job the referees were doing.  Sanders had just gotten tossed for arguing a charging call in a March 13th game against the Washington Wizards.  You probably missed the game, because everyone missed the game, because it was a Wizards game.  Sanders wins this award strictly based on the fact that this was the first time I’ve seen someone sarcastically chuck up a thumb to a ref in game.  (*Author’s note: Sanders ended up getting ejected more than pilots in a Top Gun remake this year, but this is by far his single greatest effort.)

Best Potential Sale of a Franchise: Sacramento Kings to Investors from Seattle, Washington

Kings? Sonics? Either way, this would be awesome.

Kings? Sonics? Either way, this would be awesome.

I’ve detailed my lost-love with the Seattle Supersonics in a breathless post from earlier this year, when the news first broke that the Maloof brothers had finally found a way to cash out their hand and get the team out of Sacramento.  It hasn’t happened yet.  It might not happen, according to various sources.  The situation is so fluid that tomorrow I could be purchasing a Shawn Kemp throwback and the next I might be checking into some Vlade Divac gear.

The Maloof brothers appear to have been inducted into the Brett Favre Decisiveness Hall of Fame and seem most likely to emerge from this so baldly scathed that their only chance at rehabilitating their public image is to pull a couple cameos with their sister on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  This needs to happen.  For too many reasons to count.  But just picture this, basketball fans: DeMarcus “Boogie” Cousins in a state with legalized marijuana. . .

Dunk of the Year:  DeAndre Jordan, Los Angeles Clippers

DeAndre Jordan obliterates Brandon Knight.  He dunks on him so hard that he turns him into Brandon Squire.  He catches the alley-oop, smashes through Knight like a wrecking ball through a decrepit, rotten, condemned building.  After the game, the dunk erupted from Mount St. Twitter and the blowback became so violent that many experts took to the net to defend Brandon Knight for trying to stop the dunk instead of just getting out of the way.  You know you got dunked on hard when people are actively taking to the internet in an attempt to defend your honor.  On the plus side?  Blake Griffin will probably serve someone up harder in a short amount of time to take the emphasis away from this one for Brandon Knight.

Commercial of the Year: “Uncle Drew, Chapter 2″ starring Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love

Somehow they’ve combined heavy makeup, a ludicrous-but-somehow-captivating storyline, and Bill Russell into the best NBA Player commercials in years.  I have long been obsessed with the first Uncle Drew ad, but this new one, and it’s addition of Kevin Love has only increased my fervor for the next current NBA player to don a wig, some aging makeup, and go out and dunk all over young people in games of amazing streetball.  Long live Uncle Drew.  (*Author’s note: Pepsi Max still sucks, though.)

Weirdly Fascinating Team of the Year: Minnesota Timberwolves

Sure they lost 20 more games than they won this season, but this isn’t an award for being good.  This is an award for being weird.  Captivating.  For making me want to watch for reasons other than the obvious fact that I love the NBA.

They have a young All-Star who can’t stay healthy, a Spanish point guard that couldn’t buy a basket with his hefty Footlocker endorsement deal but is still somehow one of the most fun players to watch in the league, a bevy of honkies and they put out a team video where the beat up someone in a Miami Heat jersey with a baseball bat.  I could write a 1,500 word post on their facial hair/Hanson hair combos alone.  What’s not to love?

The regular season was great, sure.  But strap yourselves in, hoops fans, becuase the NBA Playoffs are right around the corner.  I, for one, can’t wait.

FIN

10 Things I Heat About You: Miami Finally Loses, GIFS and Dumb Jokes Ensue

Posted: March 28, 2013 in Sports
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#1.  Hey LeBron, how did botching the streak taste last night?

Yum.

Yum.

Oh, that good, huh?

#2.  The Heatles got Yoko Ono’d.  And by a team without their two best players.  The Heat somehow lost for the first time in 27 games to a team with a guy that looks like he’d be the on the Bachelorette – as the contestant who is the lead singer of a Dave Matthews cover band– running the point guard spot.

#3.  When reached for comment Jerry West (*Author’s note: AKA The Logo) had this to say:

The Logo strikes again.

The Logo strikes again.

#4.  LeBron complained after the game about the referees.  Considering that, at one point he went some 250+ minutes without getting called for a foul this year, I’m not sure that he’s really justified.  I know a lot of you will point to his unbelievable skill and his disdain for committing fouls, but his absurdly low foul rate this year pretty much renders any complaints about refereeing by James laughable.

#5.  Make no mistake about it, LeBron got pushed around last night.  Considering he’s built like a defensive end, I think he was probably okay.  However with only Shane Battier and a point guard that he verbally berates as often as possible to have his back.  LeBron decided he needed to take matters into his own hands.  Here’s a fun GIF of him screaming at Chalmers.  Strange that the dude didn’t have his back when the going got tough. . .

#6.  Vigilante justice by Sheriff James!  It didn’t go well.  He ended up with a flagrant and a bunch of microphones in his face for him to complain to.

#7.  Every streak has to end.  In this case, Miami was Frank the Tank and the Chicago was his soon-to-be-divoring-him wife from Old School.  I hope Eric Spoelstra climbed into the team bus and said, “Do you think KFC’s still open?”

#8.  It looks like the 1972 LA Lakers’ streak of 33-games is safe for now.  Somewhere, Wilt Chamberlain’s ghost is smiling.  And having a ghost 3-way.

#9.  Is 27 straight still completely un-friggin-real?  Of course.  I still think the Heat will win the NBA title.  They just seem too good not to.  But anytime I can cheer wildly for LeBron to lose to anyone, you’d better believe I’m going to Carpe the hell out of that Diem.

#10.  As for all the coverage of the heat and their Harlem Shake video and their insane streak?  The Minnesota Timberwolves summed it up best with this response video:

FIN

Ode to a Throat-Tat: Why DeShawn Stevenson’s Tat Game is Still the Best in the NBA

Posted: March 14, 2013 in Sports
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This isn’t the first time I’ve been mesmerized by DeShawn Stevenson’s Abe Lincoln Neck-Tat.  Oh, no.  I’ve long been a fan of the most presidential, most assassinated neck-tat in the NBA.  So what, to my wondering eyes should appear during last night’s NBATV broadcast of the Miami Heat but my all-time favorite NBA Tat!  Why, it was none other than DeShawn’s Adam’s Apple tribute to the 16th president of the U.S.  Here, in all its pixelated messiness was my attempt to freeze a moment in time and present you with the majesty of the throat-tat tapestry that is DeShawn.

Four score and seven throats ago. . .

Four score and seven throats ago. . .

So why Abe Lincoln?  And why the throat?  Here are some theories.

-  Wait a minute, that’s not a tat of Abe Lincoln, he’s actually just a really big fan of Daniel Day Lewis.  Maybe it was his super down to earth acceptance speech.  Or maybe Day-Lewis cobbled some shoes for him at some point?  (*Author’s note: I know this timeline doesn’t match up and he’s had the throat tat for years, but I couldn’t resist this stupid tirade.)  At least, if the throat-tat is indeed supposed to be a likeness of Day-Lewis, he didn’t use a picture of DDL looking like a young Fidel Castro going to a Valentine’s Day party.  In a related note, DeShawn, I’ve got another idea for your next tat!

-  DeShawn clearly has vampire trouble.  Who better to scare off the bloodsucking undead than the Vampire Slayer, himself?  As the Wu Tang Clan once said in their song about Edward Cullen, “Protect Ya Neck.”

Suck it, Cullen.

Suck it, Cullen.

-  He recognized Lincoln as the father of NBA fashion and felt that he needed to be given his just due.  Although you can’t tell, due to the black and white pictures, most of Abe’s undershirts were definitely pink.

Black and white? More like Salmon and yellow, son.

“Black and white? More like Salmon and yellow, son.” – Abe Lincoln, 1846

-  And here we’ve reached our first problem.  Everytime DeShawn does a throat-slashing maneuver after canning a long rage 3, is he being un-American?  He’s re-assassinating one of our nation’s most beloved presidents in front of our very eyes!  Don’t do it, DeShawn.  Don’t do it.

-  Every time he gets locked up on defense, can we start saying he got Wilkes-Boothed?

-  It’s not really a surprise that he’s a first-team all Neck Tat selection.  Joining him on the roster?  These guys:

(*Author’s note: That’s J.R. Smith’s throat.  And, yes, it says “Swish” on it.  I guess, “Ill-Advised Fadeaway Three” was too long to get?)

And joining him as co-Captain of the team: Wilson Chandler

-  He was probably just paying homage to his all-time favorite tort-reform champion.  Big ups, tort reformers!  (*Author’s note: bigger ups, Google, for helping me figure out what a tort-reformer was.)

-  You really want your mind to be blown?  Check out this super-rare, old photograph of a beardless Abe Lincoln, with his shirt collar opened up a little farther than normal.

Looks Abe might have also been a pioneer in neck-tatting.

Looks Abe might have also been a pioneer in neck-tatting.

FIN

Dennis Rodman: Humanity’s Last Hope of Preventing Nuclear Catastrophe

Posted: March 1, 2013 in Sports
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Dennis Rodman, International Ambassador for Peace.  Yeah, that has a nice ring to it.  A nice nose-ring, if we’re being honest.  Don’t know what I’m talking about?  Check out this completely real, un-photoshopped picture of Dennis Rodman sitting next to North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un.

So what was “The Worm” doing in a country that recently has been testing long-range missiles and firing up their own atomic weapons’ tests?  What was a guy that once wore this to his book signing:

doing kicking it like BFF’s with a corrupt, civil-rights trampling tyrant?  Oh, you know, just being bros.

Here’s one of the headlines from NPR:

Most insane headline ever?

Most insane headline ever?

But what were to happen if Rodman suddenly decided that his bromantic relations with Kim Jong-un were about as real and as tangible as his months long marriage to Carmen Electra?  Does Dennis Rodman’s fledgling bromance with Kim Jong-un hold the key to non-military negotiations with this unstable, volatile nation?

Man, I f-ing hope not.

He was on a trip there with a documentary crew from the website VICE which is shooting a new documentary series for HBO.  But wait, it was weirder than that.  Accompanying VICE’s crew and Rodman were none other than Moose Weekes, Buckets Blakes, and Bull Bullard.  That’s right: Rodman and Co. also took over three members of the Harlem Globetrotters.

So, in a tense time between a seemingly downward spiraling North Korea that has the United Nations, China and the United States all threatening action if they continue fooling around with nuclear detonations, we really sent in the A-Team.  Or should I say, the Double Team?!?!

We had the Harlem Globetrotters, a monster, and a bunch of spooky, eerily calm spectators in the background all wearing the same thing.  The only thing missing was Scrappy and Scooby and the Gang:

“Like, zoinks, Scoob!  We better get out of here before there’s a nuclear apocalypse!”

Hey, anything's possible.

Hey, anything’s possible.

But seriously, though.  How much fun do these guys look like they’re having?  C’mon, guys, it’s not like it’d kill you to stand up and cheer a little, right?  What’s that?  Kim Jong-un would kill you?  Alright.  That explains a lot.

(*Author’s note: in case you were wondering, this white dude with all the Tats is not one of the Globe Trotters.  He’s with the VICE guys and somehow got to play in the game.)

Strangely enough the game was said to end in a 110-110 tie.  They were going to go to overtime, but there’s that whole, if-you-beat-North-Korea-in-front-of-their-crazy-ruler-he’ll-murder-you thing.  So, hey, a tie worked for the Globetrotters.

Mainly I’m just glad that the United States has had some positive contact with such a hard-to-communicate-with country.  And what better representative of the U.S.’s values, morals and overall integrity than the guy who was once the commissioner of the Lingerie Football League, right?

I know that this post has been rambling, chaotic, and completely bizarre.  But that’s the sports world we now live in.  2013 is already the weirdest sports year since O.J. hopped into his Ford Bronco and shook up the world, back in 1994.  Lance Armstrong was cheating his ball off, Oscar Pistorius may have capped his girlfriend, Manti Te’o's girlfriend wasn’t real or dead, and now this?  What next?  Seriously, sports world.  What next?

FIN

Burnpoetry’s Valentine’s Day Virtual Drop-Bag

Posted: February 15, 2013 in Sports
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Every year when I was a kid we would all spend time decorating up our little paper bags, glue-gunning hearts and glitter and any number of toxic items all over our Valentine’s Day Drop-Bag.  We would put them out on our desks and everyone would take a turn dropping off their Valentine and/or treats and we’d get to look at them at the end of the day. This year, to celebrate V-Day in a digital age, I put out a Valentine’s Day Digital Drop-Bag with the hopes that I’d get some goodies.

You won’t believe who left me Valentine’s Day cards.  The first picture is the front of the card and the second is the inside.  Check it out:

Bo Pelini stopped by and left a card:

Bo's V-DayBo Deux

LeBron James took time out from annihilating the league to stop by as well:

LBJLBJVday

So did his teammate and BFF, Dwyane Wade:

Still can't figure out where to put the "Y"

Ndamukong Suh even left me a card:

SuhSlide11

Wait, LeBron left two?  And this one was also just signed “Latrell?”:

Slide5 Slide6

Tony Romo sent us a card:

Slide12 Slide13

Wow, Lawrence Phillips took time out from his un-busy schedule to send us some love?  You shouldn’t have, LP:

Slide20 Slide21

Manti Te’o broke his self-imposed social networking gag order just for us:

Slide14 Slide15

Lance Armstrong?  I bet his Valentine’s Day was a ball:

Slide16 Slide17

Ray Lewis’ card killed it:

Slide22 Slide23

Brett Favre even hooked it up:

Slide18Slide19

And, OMG, look who left me a card!?!?!?:

Slide7 Slide8

FIN

Welcome to Glen Davis’ NBA Pause-Face/GIF-Collage: The Sistine Chapel of GIFfery

Posted: January 29, 2013 in Sports
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I’ve long been a Glen “Big Baby” Davis hater.  He’s pudgy.  He’s obnoxious.  He’s more fake-intense than even Kevin Garnett or Ray Lewis could tolerate.  For those of you who don’t know Davis, he first became the object of my derision when playing for the Boston Celtics and making several Shrek references.  He claimed that he and then-Celtics guard, Nate Robinson, were like “Shrek and Donkey.”  It’s pretty much all been downhill from there for the player formerly known as “Big Baby.”

In the NBA, there are only a few guys  who can legitimately challenge Chris Bosh for GIF-er of the year.  There are only a few players who can step into the lofty stratosphere of insane pause-faces that currently is occupied by only one part-man, part-dinosaur: Bosh.  But recently, the body of work by Big baby has been something to behold.  There’s been dude kissing, weird tongue wagging, and lot’s of insane pause-faces.

Some of these are older GIFs and pictures, but he’s has such a long lineage of great GIF-faces and obnoxious pictures that think of this as when the Academy Awards finally gave Martin Scorsese his much-over due win in the Best Picture category.  Sure, Bosh might be the current king, but there’s a storm rising in Orlando.

Ronald Glen Davis is coming, VeBoshiraptor.  Protect your neck, son!

We don’t want to start you off too fast.  Even the fastest runners still need a pretty lengthy warmup before they’re ready to go at top speed.  So, here, we’ll give you the “two laps” of Glen Davis pictures.

-  Taken after the Celtics won the NBA Championship this was just one of several creepy, semi-seductive(?) poses that Davis hit after getting his moment alone.  His shit-eating grin, his feet kicked into the air, he looks more like a tweenage girl at a slumber party talking about “The new guy in algebra” than an NBA champion.

-  Here’s another moment where Glen Davis’ fake-intensity got turned up to remarkable levels.  Shown here sprinting down the court at fat miles per hour, Davis shoves a kid out of his way so he can scream at the sidelines a little better.  Was the kid on the court?  Was he in Davis’ way?  Not really.  Davis just swerves way off the actual playing court, showing the equilibrium of a Spring Breaking Frat Brother leaving the party porch as he pushes aside a child.

-  Here he is, moments after — brace yourselves for this shocking revelation — screaming a bunch.  And, yes, that is a long string of drool.  Your eyes are not deceiving you.  But where, oh where, would he get such an overabundance of saliva?  What vast reserves of slobber does he tap into to dampen his mouth to Lou Holtzian levels?  I bet he licks his lips a lot. . .

-  Believe it or not, my favorite part of this GIF is actually his stat line that flashes up briefly at the bottom of the screen: 11 minutes, 2 points.  And we’re at the end of the third quarter.  Those gaudy stats are probably just the result of his on-court intensity.

-  This one here is an extreme closeup.  So let me explain to you what happened: Davis somehow got the ball, went on a slow-motion fastbreak that everyone was too tired to care about.  He then proceeded to take the ball strong to the hole and slam it home.  Wait. . .no, that’s not right, is it?  He actually proceeded to come up well short.  True story, Big Baby’s vertical was once measured at fat-feet, fat-inches high.

But, you may be saying, all of these are dumb things he did before becoming a member of the Orlando Magic.  He’s probably grown up, learned his lesson.  Maybe he isn’t acting like a first-class lunatic anymore that does inexplicable things on a nightly basis on the basketball court.  Right?  Right?!?!

-  Here he is, carrying Gerald Wallace off the court like he’s a giant armful of 20 piece Chicken McNuggets.  He carries him at least 3 steps further than necessary, and I’m not sure if he felt like he was “crossing the threshold” with Wallace or if he was finally heeding his screaming coach’s advice to “get in some extra cardio, damn it!”  Either way, I wonder what Gerald Wallace was thinking.  (*Author’s note: “Thanks?”  Probably wasn’t it.)

There Was A Lot Of Kissing In The Raptors-Magic Game

-  First, I apologize for the GIF quality, here, but this one was a little hard to find a good copy of.  Toronto Raptors center Aaron Gray just hacked Glen Davis.  It was pretty hard, but Davis isn’t exactly a frail man.  Physically, at least.  Davis does what any sane, 26-year-old man would do when fouled pretty hard in the paint: he decides to eat Gray’s face.  There are only 3 possible reasons for this face-eating/man-smooching.

1.  Glen Davis died of a massive coronary heart attack during the game.  Clogged with Pizza Hut, Doritos, and Taco 12-Packs, his heart finally gave out.  But instead of falling to the floor, Davis immediately became ZombieGlen Davis and found himself jonesing for some human flesh.  What we’re witnessing here is the start of the Zombie NBA apocalypse.  Somebody call Aaron Gray and confirm that he’s still alive.  Hurry.

2.  Aaron Gray still had some leftover Alfredo sauce in his man-scruff/beard.

3.  That’s just Davis being Davis, son.

And just in case you were having trouble believing that they actually came into facial contact with one another, here’s the final piece to this puzzle.  Here’s the final brushstroke on The Mona Lisa of Pause-Face/GIF painting.

Andddd...yeah, that's pretty much what happened. SEXY.

FIN

Smells Like Team Spirit: On the Potential Return of the Seattle Supersonics

Posted: January 10, 2013 in Sports
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Yesterday something great happened in the NBA.  No, LeBron didn’t retire.  No, LeBron’s Mom didn’t have a press conference announcing that she had been having a tempestuous love affair with another of Bron-Bron’s homeys.  (*Author’s note: can you tell I’m not much of a LeBron fan?  Also, if I had to put odds on it. . .I’d bet Mario Chalmers. )

What happened was the announcement that Seattle, Washington might be getting an NBA franchise back.  Why do I, a landlocked Midwesterner who’s only been to Seattle one time, give even a partial damn?  Allow me to explain. . .

1) I love the NBA and firmly believe that it would be in the league’s best interests to get team back to Seattle.

2)  Gary Payton and Sean Kemp.

When I first started to care about NBA basketball it was because of my neighbor Isak Jensen.  He had moved in about a half a block away into a duplex with his mother and he was a rabid, feverish, NBA junkie.  We would get together and watch NBA games, play NBA Jam TE into the wee hours of the night and we would frequently head down to our local sports memorabilia store, Bases Loaded, in the hopes of finding a true diamond in the rough in the 25 cent-per-card bin of NBA cards that the store had available in the back corner.  This time in my life coincided with the Bulls astonishing 72-10 run, my burgeoning love of playing basketball myself (*Author’s note: you start playing organized basketball at about the 3rd grade level in my hometown), and the rise of the ultra-cool, ultra-fun-to-watch Seattle Supersonics.

You couldn’t help but be pulled in by the bright green and white uniforms.  The cool team name delighted me to no end.  And then, of course, there was Gary Payton and Sean Kemp.  As I was devouring anything on the NBA I could read during this time period, I would pore over my NBA Encyclopedia for hours at a time while waiting for my freshly-called in requests of “Gangster’s Paradise” or “This is How We Do It” to play on my local radio station, and one of the books that I came across was called Dynamic Duos.  In those tattered pages it outlined two up-and-coming NBA stars that had elevated a franchise to new heights in the ’90s.

Payton and Kemp.

Out of context it sounds kind of like a law firm or a cardboard manufacturing company, but if you ever saw these two play together it was immensely entertaining.  Gary Payton was, simply put, the king of talking shit.  He would sneer and grimace, challenge your manhood and swear, all while playing airtight defense that earned him the nickname, “The Glove.”  He ran the point guard position with electrifying speed, averaging 19.3 ppg, 7.5 assists, and nearly 3 steals per game during the year I first started caring about those kinds of things.

I loved his attitude.  Payton looked, and acted, very nearly exactly like his clone-from-the-future DMX.  No, seriously.  Check it out.

Gary Payton/DMX?

And who, you might be asking was singing backup to Payton during his Ruff Ryder’s Anthem?  None other than Shawn Kemp.  Kemp came to the NBA straight out of high school (*Author’s note: which didn’t used to happen all that much back in the day, believe it or not) and at the height of his prowess on the court he was pretty much Blake Griffin.  During the ’95-’96 season he averaged 19.6 ppg, 11.4 rebounds, and at least 3 moments in each game where he would dunk so hard it would resonate in your chest like you were laying on a sub-woofer.

(*Author’s note: watch, in particular, dunks 3,2,and 1.  Un-frigging-real.)

That’s the kind of stuff that Kemp could do.  That’s the kind of things I loved about watching the Sonics play.

Sure, Kemp devolved into an alcoholic cautionary tale who ended up with 7 kids by 6 different women.  And yes, when he came packed on pounds and drug-ass all over the court in his later years he played more like “The Rain Man” than “The Reign Man”.  At his peak, though, Kemp was an all-time great.

3)  Washington now has legalized weed and an NBA franchise?

Let me be the first to congratulate the Seattle Supersonics on their new head coach. . .Phhhhiiiiillllll Jacksooooooon!  Sorry, Brooklyn.  Sorry, probably-firing-D’Antoni-at-season’s-end Lakers.  You know what city has caught Phil’s bloodshot eye.

Let me also be the first to sympathize with Seattle Supersonic fans on their next player to check into rehab.  DeMarcus “Boooooooogie” Cousins!  No player needs a state with legalized marijuana less than DeMarcus Cousins.

4) The guy who’s potentially buying the team?  His name is Chris Hansen.

So what if it’s not that Chris Hansen.  I don’t care if he makes his living busting pervs on MSNBC’s To Catch a Predator or not.  It’ll be worth it’s weight in gold in stupid jokes.  Can’t you just see it now:

Fade in:

An empty NBA Locker room.  In walks Jimmer Fredette, carrying a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.  He looks antsy.  A little concerned, but still eager.

Jimmer: Hello?

The owner of the team, Chris Hansen, comes walking out from the showers.  Jimmer’s eyes bulge and he, incredibly, turns another shade whiter.

Hansen: Why don’t you take a seat, Jimmer.

5)  I’ve already started Googling “Detlef Schrempf throwback jerseys.”

FIN

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