LeBron James is a free agent. I’m sure you know this already.
In fact, I’m sure at this point in the game, if you’re reading this article and you’ve watched any sports-related television in the past month, then your BJC (*Author’s note: Blood James Content) would be hovering at a not-safe-to-drive .23 if you were to blow into an ESPN microphone.
At this point, we truly only know 1 thing for certain regarding The King’s free agency: LeBron’s going to get paid. He’s going to get a max deal. He can Scrooge McDuck backstroke around in all the millions he’s made and get Warren Buffet to fold on an All-In poker hand based solely on his pile of chips. We get that.
So, then, the question is: what would lure LeBron out of South Beach before he reaches the 8 titles he so boldly joked about during the Heat’s pre-season victory parade?
The answer, of course: the perks.
When you have as much money as LeBron, and you’re utterly unparalleled on the basketball court, it’s the little things that might make you sign on with a franchise.
We were able to gain exclusive access to the perk packages offered up to LeBron by all his free-agent suitors and submit them now for your reading pleasure.
Cleveland Cavaliers’ Free Agency Package
— The Cleveland Cavaliers will play every winter home game in their brand new arena: Suckitcleveland Municipal Arena, located in Miami Beach.
— Dan Gilbert will chain himself to a giant boulder at the bottom of an old missile silo somewhere in the Canadian wilderness so that he can never be heard from again.
— A starring role in the next Uncle Drew short film as Uncle Drew’s cousin (*Author’s note: streetball alias, Nightschool) that has to be smuggled out of his nursing home from under the nose of the creatively named and hyper volatile director of nursing, Rat Piley.
— A signed agreement that if the air conditioning ever goes out in their building, their building manager will immediately chainsaw through the power and burn the stadium to the ground. Just to make sure the game cannot go on.
— Anyone claiming that “Dan Gilbert is My Boy!” will henceforth and forevermore be banished to the Aleutian Islands.
— First rights to the leftover hair from Anderson Varejao’s once yearly trip to the Barbershop.
— A Bone Thugs-n-Harmony remix to “Crossroads” that starts off just like this: “Bron Bron Bron Bron…Bron…Bron…Bron…Bron…Bron”.
Miami Heat Free Agency Package
— An all-expenses paid vacation to watch Dwyane Wade get illegal German-mad-scientist injections into his knees.
— A cameo in the next Michael Bay movie to be shot in Miami (*Author’s note: which will be his 77th film shot there.(*Secondary Author’s note: when in the hell is Bay going to quit dicking around and just make Bad Boys 3 already?)
— A promise that the team will absolutely, unequivocally, party in the city where the heat is on. All night on the beach. ‘Til the break of dawn.
— A minority stake in the Miami Marlins. Actually, you know what? Do you want to own the team? Seriously. Because we’ll just give you the team. It’s yours.
— We will get Pitbull to stop rapping. For 10 minutes. A feat that has not been accomplished since an emergency laryngectomy in late 2002.
— We will guarantee you a Chris Bosh cameo in Jurassic Park’s latest installment. And, yes, just like you requested: he will be playing a velociraptor.
— We will allow you to get onto the PA system to loudly berate Mario Chalmers in 20,000 decibel tirades after a lousy pass.
Dallas Mavericks Free Agency Package
— The answer to the one question that has plagued LeBron’s career since he was 18 years old: who shot JR?
— The chance to drop a sweet dime to Dirk Nowitzki and have the announcers call it “The Magic Bullet”. (*Author’s note: too soon?)
— An oath signed in Marc Cuban’s blood that he will never, ever, let Delonte West come back around the team.
— Unlimited access to Dirk Nowitzki’s premium wiener-schnitzel collection.
— The chance to never be the most hated athlete in Dallas, no matter how things go.
— As your headband continues to move further back on your head, you can definitely pitch your idea of headband yarmulkes for Jewish streetball players to Marc Cuban on Shark Tank.
Houston Rockets Free Agency Package
— A clause stating that the city of Houston will give LeBron Mike Jones’ old phone number.
— A snipers posted in the catwalks of The Toyota Center who have Kevin McHale’s direct orders to “Take the Shot” if Dwight Howard doesn’t shoot every single free throw of the 2014-2015 season underhand.
— The personal cellphone number to James Harden’s Beard Groomist.
— A written contract from the Houston Public School Board, stating that they will re-write their history books to show that the Battle of San Jacinto was not won by General Sam Houston, as previously believed, but by LeBron’s great, great grandfather Jebediah Methusela James.
— I’ll just let Slim Thug, the man solely responsible for the Rockets’ landing of Dwight Howard, explain the rest of the Rockets’ perk package:
Phoenix Suns’ Free Agency Package
— Anything. We will literally give you anything you want. First born son? Check. Key to the city? Check. Dan Majerle throwback jersey collection? Take it. It’s all yours.
Los Angeles Lakers’ Free Agency Package
— A starring role in the sequel of a lifetime: Space Jam 2: Jam Harder.
— A signed affidavit from Kobe Bryant that he will only shout at you 3 times per scrimmage.
— Private weekly lessons in flopping from the producers of 47 Ronin.
— Jim Busss will demote himself from his franchise-ruining role of executive vice president of basketball operations. His only public appearances will be in a recurring guest spot on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
— A complimentary pair of Jack Nicholson’s weirdly oval, red-tinted, courtside sunglasses.
— A complimentary pair of Jack Nicholson’s weirdly young, skeeze-tinted, courtside dates.