The Los Angeles Lakers still don’t have a head coach. It’s now been 3 months since their schedule mercifully came to a close and there is still no head-man to lead the legendary purple and gold franchise for the upcoming season. There’ve been potential hires. There’s been rumors of big names cashing fat checks and heading to Hollywood. But, so far? The Lakers have found themselves empty-handed.
In recent weeks, however, the Lakers have appeared to be leaning towards former Cavaliers coach, Byron Scott.
Kind of. Sort of.
The story broke mid-week last week that Byron Scott was going in for his third interview with the Lakers organization. His third! He wasn’t interviewing for a position in the CIA deep cover operations unit. He wasn’t signing on to be a solo-mission astronaut being sent into deep space with no human contact and billions of dollars of equipment not to mess up. He’s essentially going to be scribbling down a few plays on a clipboard and trying to keep Kobe Bryant from choking out Robert Sacre for being so Robert Sacre-ish.
All those interviews beg the question: what the hell were they asking him in all of those hours spent talking things over? Well ask that question no more. We here at Burnpoetry were able to obtain a confidential interview questionnaire that Scott was asked to fill out by the top Lakers brass. As you can see below, it’s no wonder it’s taken him so long to try to land the gig.
1. 2 Trains leave San Pedro, California at 3:30 PM. Train 1 is driven at 45 MPH and is piloted by a Swagductor, who is wearing bejeweled gator-skinned loafers that have 3-inch-spikes sticking out of them and is currently dating an Australian rapper. Train 2 is being driven 52 MPH by the most homicidally competitive player the NBA has seen since Michael Jordan. If both conductors expect to average 17 shots per game and the Lakers have just picked up a shoot-first point guard who is prone to turnovers, how long will it be until there’s a gigantic, steaming pile of train-wreck rubble at center court?
A) 15 Games into the season
B) The All-Star Break
C) Instantaneously. Like, Polaroid picture fast.
D) You’re fired.
2. (Please circle one) Are you #teamlamar or #teamkhloe?
3. Let’s say, purely, super-hypothetically, that you had an older sister who was smarter, more charismatic, and wildly more competent at running an NBA franchise. What would you do about it?
A) Ever heard of OJ? I’d pretty much do that
B) Spitefully hammer the team that she and your father loved directly into the ground like a stake on a railroad chain gang
C) Wake up every morning thanking the sweet lord above for nepotism strong enough to land you the organizational reigns
D) Plant 10 pounds of weed in
Phil Jackson’s her boyfriend’s trunk and phone in an anonymous tip.
4. True or False: Pau Gasol is the Spanish version of Benedict Arnold?
5. Mitch has $56,912,541. Kobe takes away $23,500,000 and Jeremy takes away $14,898,938. How many dollars does Mitch have left to flush down a gold-plated toilet on over-the-hill veterans?
A) Steve Nash Dollars and Carlos Boozer Cents
C) Is Drew Gooden around still?
D) Unlimited amounts. The luxury tax can suck it.
6. Are you cool with black people? I know that sounds like a weird question, but there’s just a lot of heat out here at the Staples Center right now surrounding racists.
B) Are you a moron?
7. Are you, in fact, a secret agent sent by Phil Jackson with the sole intent of bringing about the devious ruination of this once-great franchise?
8. What is your personal philosophy with regards to growing a nasty mustache and constantly having people call you Mark Dantonio by mistake?
A) Won’t happen on my watch
B) ‘Stacheless 4 Lyfe
9. (The following is a guest question written by a confidential Lakers player) What is the true meaning of life?
A) Getting Kobe the best look in an isolation play run specifically for him
B) Getting Kobe the best look in an isolation play run specifically for him
C) Getting Kobe the best look in an isolation play run specifically for him
D) Getting Kobe the best look in an isolation play run specifically for him
10. Essay portion of the interview:
In 10,000,000 words or less, try to explain away the fact that this photo exists: