As the season winds down, with only a handful of games left, we’re left trying to make some of the more prestigious distinctions in the NBA. Sure the MVP, Rookie of the Year, and Most Improved Player awards have already been chosen. But I’m talkig about the real awards. The important awards that leave all the players clamoring near their 89-inch TV sets with their fingers crossed.
I’m talking about the NBA All-Tattoo Team. That’s right. At Burnpoetry, we’re all about getting down to the very essence of sports; the key elements of what makes a sport what it is. The Tats. Without further ado, here is your All-NBA Tat Team.
Point Guard: Mario Chalmers, Miami Heat
With a sweet $1 dollar Tat, Chalmers is really reaching for the sky. After the Miami Heat picked up LeBron, resigned D-Wade, and added the Velociraptor known as Chris Bosh, Chalmers’ net salary will probably be somewhere in that price-range if he wants to stay on the team. Paying “The Heatles” isn’t cheap and Chalmers doesn’t play much.
But, hey, there’s always endorsement deals with McDonald’s Dollar Menu, Mario.
(*Author’s Note: After looking into this tat, it appears that Chalmers got this tat to honor his grandma. Which is what most grandmothers would want. . .their baby getting tatted up in their name.)
Shooting Guard: DeShawn Stevenson
Where to begin with Mr. Stevenson? He’s clearly a neck-tat hall of famer, and sports more face-ink than Mike Tyson. The single greatest tat in the NBA this year, however, is the piece de resistance: a tat of none other than Abraham Lincoln that Stevenson sports on his throat. Four score and seven tats ago, DeShawn clearly had too much money and too much liquor in his bloodstream and decided to pay homage to Honest Abe.
Small Forward: Stephen Jackson
Stephen Jackson, an incredibly talented and almost comically moronic player, was best known for being Ron Artest’s accomplice in the Brawl at the Palace of Auburn Hills. You might remember Stephen for throwing insane, wildly hard, haymakers at the wrong fan in the stands.
Well, now he can add another equally impressive asterisk next to his name in the recordbooks. Based largely on the strength of the above-pictured tat, Jackson was a no-brainer for the All-Tat team. Though it’s a little hard to tell what his stomach tat actually is, if you look closely you can just make out two hands praying. And holding a pistol. Jackson, who as you can see, is all too happy to show off his stomach ink, takes a tired, has-been tat like praying hands and thugged it up to the point of pure lunacy.
Power Forward: Kenyon Martin
Kenyon Martin, a perenially tatted up forward for the Denver Nuggets, seems to have spent most of his time at the University of Cincinnati getting inked and skipping classes. His most famous tat, the collagened-up lips of his ex-wife Trina — famous for such high-minded works as “Da Baddest Bitch” and “Glamorest Life” –, is still slathered onto his neck and his divorce lawyer unfortunately won’t be able to split custody of that terrible tattoo with anyone else.
Not pictured in this image is Martin’s “Fear No Man But God” back tattoo and his “Bad Ass Yellow Boy” tat on his chest. Martin’s body looks like the margains of a bored 9th graders trapper keeper.
Center: Chris Andersen
Joining teammate Kenyon Martin on the All-Tat team, Chris “The Birdman” Andersen would be in the hall of fame for this distinction if there was one. Sporting a wild and untamed wilderness of tats that crawl up his body like effervescent vines, “The Birdman”, has recently added his “Free Bird” neck tat that serves as the crown to his royal collage of body art. I could have easily chosen 2-3 more of the Denver Nuggets’ team, which was the single most tatted up crew in the league, but had to settle with only selecting two. With a past as colorful as his ink, “The Birdman” truly deserves his legendary status as a first-teamer on the NBA All-Tat Team.
Captains: Andersen and Stevenson.