Posts Tagged ‘JaVale McGee’

NBA Season Preview: Part I

Posted: October 25, 2012 in Sports
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The NBA season is fast approaching.  For my 11 loyal readers that means one thing: prepare to be swept away in a spam-tsunami of NBA-related posts, dumb jokes, and LeBron hating.  With the tipoff for the best sport in the world slated to happen on Halloween night, it’s high time we look at some of the fascinating storylines for this upcoming NBA season.  This post will probably be far, far too long anyway, so here we go. . .

Can the Heat Repeat?

The Heat seemed to figure it all out last year.  Dwyane Wade realized that he wasn’t the #1 gyu (*Author’s note: typo intentional) on the Heat, The Veboshiraptor battled through injuries down the stretch, everyone cussed out Mario Chalmers constantly, and Mike Miller inexplicably turned into a whiter, more trailer-trash-looking Reggie Miller in the NBA Finals.  And LeBron?  Well, he played power forward.  He played point guard.  He played center.  He damn near served the $17 dollar hot dogs in the Miami Heat concession stand.  And he was the best player at each spot.

I know the trendy pick is to always compare the latest, greatest, NBA superstar to the gold standard of such things, whose name doesn’t even need to be mentioned her for most of you to get it, but LeBron is really turning into a kind of brave new world of NBA superstar.  He looks like he should be in the starting lineup for the Monstars.  Make no mistake about it, though, I still hate him.  I’m in awe of LeBron like citizens in an oppressed country are in awe of their dictator.  I really don’t have a choice but to acknowledge who’s in charge of the league right now.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want some insurgents to come and overthrow the despotic James right off his throne.

A Facelift in L.A.?  No way. . .not in that town.

In a town where natural beauty, graceful aging, and inner beauty matter most, the Los Angeles Lakers have decided to get a little work done.  In a Bruce Jennerian facelift, the Lakers have made drastic overhauls to their team that should pay huge dividends.  They landed Dwight Howard, easily the biggest move of the offseason, with the intent to convince the superstar center to stick around for good.  They also got whiter, older, and more Canadian at the point guard position.  I know, I know.  That doesn’t usually engender a lot of confidence when you throw those three things together discussing basketball.  But, in this once case, it was a gigantic pickup for the team.  Steve Nash, 2-time MVP and a perennial guy-everyone-wants-to-play-with first teamer, has joined up with his one-time Western conference foes in the pursuit of a last run for an NBA title (*Author’s note: and to be closer to his kids during a potentially ugly divorce case.  Allegedly.)

Will Howard continue to whine, sob, and blunder his way through the league as he so often did last year?  Or will this change of scenery, and coaching staff, do him some good?  I’m not a huge Howard fan, but love the fact that he makes the Lakers tougher defensively around the rim, playing the role of a more athletic Andrew Bynum.  You have to assume that someone as gifted as Nash, someone with the ability to turn Marcin Gortat and a bunch of scrubs into a .500 ball club in the competitive Western conference, can find ways to keep Gasol, Howard, and most importantly Kobe Bryant happy.

Nash is old, though.  He’ll turn 39 during this season , which in basketball years is close to 102, but if the Lakers can get good minutes out of him each night they should be a force offensively.  If Howard can accept his role on the team and protect the hoop with all the ferocity that has earned him three Defensive Player of the Year awards, they should be much improved defensively.  Now, if only Pau would just get a haircut.

(*Author’s note: potential nicknames for Dwight Howard tangent in 3…2…1…

-  Sweet Dream, or a beautiful Dwightmare
-  Dwihard With a Vengeance
-  Howard the Dunk (instead of Howard the Duck)
-  Reign Wilson (The guy who plays Dwight Schrute on The Office is named Rainn Wilson)
-  Dwilight: Breaking Dawn

The Lakers’ starting lineup will have 33 combined All-Star appearances.  And they might not be the favorites in the West.  (*Author’s note: I’ll touch on the other teams out in that division a little later)

Who Will Rise to Twitter Dominance?

Will it Be Swaggy P (AKA Nick Young) or will Boogie Cousins (AKA Demarcus Cousins) continue to hold down the #1 spot?  Will some newer, dumber, player step up to fill the void?  We need more Twitter handles, NBA players.  Step your game up.

Celtics Keep a Private Jet

RIP “Boston 3-Party.”  Your awesome nickname will be missed.  After losing Ray Allen, the Celts have managed to keep their mercurial superstar Rajon Rondo and added Jason “The Jet” Terry to their lineup.  Terry was an integral part in the Dallas Maverick’s NBA title two years ago and can be an excellent scorer and 3-point shooter when he’s hot.  He’ll mix well with the veteran lineup and should bring some energy to the team that’s fiery but in control.  The Celts didn’t get any younger with this move, however, and are watching their title door slowly close.  With their talent level and veteran experience, however, if these guys stay healthy (*Author’s note: a big “if” in an 82-game season) that door could slow down to Indiana Jones boobie-trap-sprung-by-accident-in-a-dark-cave speeds.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shark-Jumping Stunt Specialist

If you love the NBA, you love Charles Barkley, Kenny “the Jet” Smith, and Ernie Johnson.  Their playful interactions, insightful analysis, and fearlessness in critiquing current players when it’s needed are all integral parts of what make their broadcasts so much fun.  The contrived, forced enjoyment of NFL pregame and postgame shows is something I completely loathe.  For most NFL pre/post game shows they toss 11 guys behind a desk, giggling like they’re tweenage girls who’ve been huffing Nitrous Oxide, each trying to out-celebrity the other analysts and they take something away from the game.

Shaquille O’Neal’s all 11 of those guys rolled into one.  His presence, and moderator Ernie Johnson’s forced attempts to include him in the breakdown of games, hangs around the show’s neck like a 7’0”, 350 lb. weight.  He’s as articulate as Tarzan and generally mumbles his way through broadcasts like a strange combination of Barry White and Shy Ronnie from Saturday Night Live’s digital shorts.  I still love Inside the NBA.  But Shaq definitely jumped the shark the moment he sat his diesel-sized ass down on the set.

What Other Dumb Stuff Can JaVale McGee do?

I feel like this could be a gameshow.  Every time JaVale suits up and steps onto the court for the Denver Nuggets this year, contestants would chips to place on various Bingo-styled spaces labeled with predictions like: “Will refer to himself in the 3rd person” and “will tweet a pre-game picture of himself shirtless” and “will try to dunk from the three-point line during a fastbreak” and whomever ended up with the most amount of correct predictions would win.  Sure it’s basically harder to accurately predict than a Russian Roulette game in a Taiwanese opium den, but let’s be honest: if you’re not tuning in to watch JaVale McGee every night you’re missing out.  He’s completely and thoroughly watchable in exactly the same way as Flavor of Love was watchable in the mid-2000s.


To Be Continued. . .

The NBA Anti-Russell First Team: The Search for the NBA’s Worst Potential Player-Coach

Posted: May 25, 2012 in Sports
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(*Author’s note: my friend Ben is in a dead heat with me for most NBA-Obsessed Man in Nebraska: 2012.  When he bought NBA League Pass I, in turn, pirated NBA League pass from him.  He received, in return, my undying respect as a human being and a flood of angry “Why won’t Andrew Bynum stop playing like he just got done chugging the entirety of whatever is in Lil Wayne’s Solo cup??” texts.

Most of the time we pose ludicrous NBA questions to one another along the lines of, “Which mascot would win in a Hunger Games style fight to death” or “Who has the second honkiest fan base behind Oklahoma City?”

The latest topic, and one that I felt needed to be shared with the world was our search to figure out who would be the antithesis to Bill Russell.  Russell was one of the greatest basketball players of all time and even guided the Celtics as a legendary player-coach.  He coached the team, played for the team, and was able to consistently win.  Ben’s answers to my questions were concise, coherent, and smart.  Mine were rambling, overly poetic, and cathartic rants at their manic worst.  So, naturally, I decided to share my thoughts on this topic with you, who would expect nothing less.)

The Anti-Russell, Player-Coach First Team:

1.  Boogie Cousins  (*Author’s note : Sacramento Kings forward, DeMarcus Cousins, referred to by his Twitter handle and alleged nickname)

I’m sure we’ll both have this one (Author’s note: we did).  It’s kind of obvious.  But can’t you just imagine him sitting in a director’s chair, with the name “Boogie” inscribed on the back in gold stitching, shouting through a megaphone while he’s pounding down a “5 Buck Box” with his other hand and the team runs windsprints?  I sure can.

2.  Javale McGee

I’m sure you saw this one coming too.  Not exactly a big reveal, here.  About as anti-climactic as Wednesday night’s American Idol finale.

McGee’s mom would be the biggest factor to overcome here.  You know she would meddle in the coaching of the team, totally undermine his presence as the leader and he would constantly be trying to establish dominance, a la a silverback in the wild, by challenging people to free-throw line dunk contests.  Since he now plays for the Nuggets any/all press conferences he would do would be must-watch TV and I can only imagine that all the stoned hippies would come wandering down out of their mountain cabins to worship at the Altar of McGee.  The more I write about this idea, the more I like it.

3.  The Russell West-B in Apt. 23  (*Author’s note: Oklahoma City Thunder guard, Russell Westbrook, whom I will only call ”The Russell West-B in Apt. 23″, a nickname supplied by Ben, from now until the world ends December 21st, 2012)

I’m now 3-3 on being completely predictable.  I can see him now, aimlessly starting to doodle a play on the clipboard than just snapping it over his knee and saying, “You know what?  I’m just gonna f-ing shoot a 20-foot pull up jumper.  Every play.  You don’t like it?  You can go sit by Nick Collison.”  Do you think he would even let Durant touch the ball?  Durant would be standing, wide open, in the corner calling for the ball and The Russell West-B in apt. 23 would be going 1-on-5 in his latest attempt to drop 60 a night.

I bet within the first 15 games of the season this scenario would play out: Westbrook’s sitting on the bench after shooting 23-60 on the night and playing 47 minutes.  He’s exhausted and chugging water.  Durant has the ball and is looking over at his coach to try to see what play he wants to run.  The cameras zoom in and Westbrook’s busy downloading Doodle Jump instead of signaling in the play.  The clock hits zero.  End game.

4.  Swaggy P (*Author’s note: Los Angeles Clippers guard, Nick Young, whose twitter handle is “Swaggy P”)

This one speaks for itself.  He’s already the fashion coordinator of the entire league, has the second best Twitter handle in the NBA and has a completely incomprehensible nickname.  I’m fairly certain that he’d have a full size mirror installed on the bench so that he could check out his swaggage mid-game. (*A secondary rant: can we declare a moratorium on the term “swag”?  It’s rapidly outpaced other terms like “hipster”, “yolo” (you only live once) and “awkward” for the completely obnoxious phrase that needs immediate euthanization title belt.)

5.  Andrew Bynum

He’s clearly an idiot.  He’s clearly apathetic to anything going on on the court, unless he randomly decides to flip a switch and become the 2nd most dominant man in the league.  Most of the time I see him I can’t help but wonder, did Swaggy P teach him how to tuck in his shirt?  Why is it always somehow untucked?  Was the only size they had in the Lakers’ lockerroom a smedium?  He’s the only player-coach on this list who I feel like would bench himself for long periods of time.  I think he’d end up wandering into the stands just so he could try to find more lint to put in his psuedo-fro.

Honorable Mention: Metta World Peace

He’s clearly about one good dunk away from another psychotic break from reality. The players would be scared of him.  Would he Latrell Sprewell himself just to prove a point?  Here’s an interesting question that I’m not sure I’ve ever heard discussed with player/coaches and we’ll have to call the Rhetorical Ron-Ron Question.  If a player coach gets T’d up while he’s on the sidelines. . .is that a Tech on the player?  Or the coach?  Do they get FOUR technicals?  Because how awesome would that be.  Would Artest sub himself out just to cuss out the refs, pick up a T and then sub himself back in as Ron-Ron the player?  My head’s about to explode.  And I like it.

 FIN

Slam Dunk Contest ’11: Improving on the Excitement

Posted: February 19, 2011 in Sports
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The Slam Dunk contest is today.  While you may have already known that, I doubt you know that the mere prospect of that makes me as giddy as an 11-year-old girl getting serenaded by Bieber in 3D.

It’s true.  While there’s a special, disdainful, spot in the most cynical chamber of my heart for most All-Star games (See: My post hating on the Pro-Bowl) I love everything about the NBA’s version of patting themselves on the back.

With all due respect to the Home Run Derby, the only watchable part of the MLB’s All-star festivities, the NBA Slam Dunk contest is the best part of any All-Star game.  Period.

This year’s contest promises to be one of the best dunk contests in years.  With Serge Ibaka, Javale McGee, DeMar DeRozan, and Blake Griffin battling head to head their promises to be some fireworks.   I may be physically unqualified, with my closest dunking attempt being slapping the backboard in the Freshman “B” team layup line, I do have some ideas on how to make this year’s dunk contest even more exciting from a fan’s perspective.

You may be saying, “But, Chris, you just got done jocking on the dunk contest, why do you feel the need to ‘improve’ it?”

Just think of this post as the guy that gets called in to refurbish the Mona Lisa.  He’s not re-painting the damn thing, just doing a little light brushwork.  Besides, football’s over and I’m running out of stuff to post about.

And so, Ladies and gentleman of Burnpoetry, without further ado I give to you: My ideas for the 2011 slam dunk contest.

Make Blake Griffin Dunk With Nate Robinson Riding Piggyback

Saying Griffin is the favorite this weekend is like saying that Martin Scorcese is a decent director.  Griffin is a dunker like we haven’t seen in some time.  He’s 1988 Mike Tyson; throwing vicious, angry haymakers at the rim with no regard for the devastation he might cause.  Like Tyson, his raw and unbridled power lave fans everywhere ducking and covering.

Griffin is that powerful in mid-air.  He’s a one-man Cold War.

So how do you slow down Seabiscuit?  How do you bring such a massive favorite back to the pack?  The way they actually brought Seabiscuit back to the pack.  Or tried to.  With weights.  In this case a 5 foot 7, 175 pound weight.
Robinson, for his part, seems to genuinely enjoy saddling up on his teammates and trying to make it 8 seconds.  He’s spent more time on Glen Davis’ back then Davis’ jersey.  If Griffin can continue to dominate with the NBA’s Spud Webb 2.0, then we’ll know he’s truly something special.

Have DeMar DeRozan Try to Dunk Over Mikhail Prokhorov’s Wallet

Prokhorov, the famous Russian billionaire owner of the Nets is so rich that if he laid down his sizeable wallet on the court it might just prove to be the biggest prop yet.  Whether jammed full of Rubles, dollars or tickets for his team’s games to give away. (*Author’s Note: Have you seen the Nets play?  He would have to give them away.)

If DeRozan can’t clear the Rusky’s own Berlin-wall-sized pile o’ cash then just have him wait until after the Nets ink Carmelo Anthony.  Prokhorov’s wallet will shrink significantly after that signing.

Have JaVale McGee Dunk From the Free Throw Line…Again

McGee, who most of us have never heard of, tried this dunk earlier in the year and wound up proliferating the tragic, sick-joke-of-a-punchline that is the Wizards’ 2010-2011 season.

Have Serge Ibaka’s Dunk Session Sponsored by Surge

Screw Sprite’s sponsorship deal.  Every kid my age would love the chance to relive the 4th grade slumber party memories that Surge used to provide: tweaking out from caffeine and sugar OD’s, feeling your tooth enamel wash down your throat as it disintegrates with just one glass, and contracting 1 new type of diabetes per 9 ounces ingested.

In short, who wouldn’t want to bring that back?  Have Serge pound some Surge and see if he can dunk.

I can see it now: Serge steps onto the court, holds a 2 liter of liquid amphetamine aloft, chugs half the bottle and performs the perfunctory scream.  After he shouts, “Suuuuuurrrrgggggeee!!!” and staggers towards the line we’ll see if he can even get off the ground, let alone dunk.

And finally:

Have One Dunk Per Round Judged by a Panel of Four 78-year-old Men

Old dudes don’t like dunks.  Most of them grew up in an era of basketball that spent about as much time in the air as a Wright Brothers flight.  Their favorite players were short, white dudes that smoked a pack a day and had names like Skip and Biff.  I can only imagine the hilarity of Ibaka throwing down a sick dunk and raking in 2′s and 3′s for “Showboating” and for “Hanging on the rim all willy nilly and such.”

My Grandpa used to tell me every time we watched basketball together that, “they ought to raise the rim to 12 feet to stop all that hangin’ on the rim.”   I think when McGee punches out that’s exactly the kind of crotchety feedback I’d love to hear.

The basketball is sure to be exciting with or without these changes.  However, since I’m sure Howard Stern’s a devoted reader, I think we should keep our eyes open for some of the newest changes.

FIN