Posts Tagged ‘ESPN’

What ESPN Should Have Done with All That Cash They just Showered on Chris Berman

Posted: September 12, 2012 in Pop Culture, Sports
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Chris Berman recently received a new, multi-year deal with ESPN.  The details of this deal are a little murky, as they generally seem to be with T.V. broadcasters, but Berman is rumored to make around $3 Million a year.  (*Author’s note: that same article had Joe Buck making $5 Mill.  Which begs the question, “what the F!?!?!?”)

I know Berman has been with ESPN for nearly their entire run.  I understand that he’s one of their more famous anchors.  But, seriously, ESPN?  Berman/Boomer/The Swami?  You chose to walk in and make it rain on a 57-year-old man who grunts and growls unintelligibly in an attempt to break down game footage and invariably ends up sounding like someone crossbred a Cro-Magnon man with John Madden?

I had high hopes that, in the near future, he would be retiring.  That he would be stepping down; dropping his mic like B-Rabbit, post-freestyle, and slowly walking out towards the nearest golf course where the only dress code is “Must Wear Hawaiian shirts. . .always”

I even hoped that he might have a Network style breakdown on air or go all Jimmy the Greek on himself.

But since he’s apparently sticking around, and not wandering out to Alaska to live in a run-down schoolbus like Sean Penn and I had dreamed about, I thought that I would come up with a few other ideas on how ESPN could have better invested the pile of cash that they spent retaining his services.

-  An on-air special, showing David Stern euthanizing the WNBA league.

-  A golden-fiber bib for Lou Holtz to wear as he chugs his Benefiber smoothies and then slobbers on about how much he loves Notre Dame.

-  Airing a track meet as it happens, instead of waiting until 2 days later and then showing a bunch of races we already know the outcome to.  (*Author’s note: like watching a re-run of one of your favorite shows.  No pun intended.)

-  Paying off 1/3 of Jesse Palmer’s outstanding balance at Max Tan.

-  A new reality show featuring OJ’s run for MVP in the Nevada Penal League’s Flag Football championships.

-  A reality show where Bruce Jenner attempts to make a comeback in the Masters division.

-  Buying the old statue of Joe Paterno and having a nationally televised show where it is melted down and converted into multiple sewage drains.

-  Buy the rights for Slam Ball and air it 3 times a week.

-  Cover Tim Tebow a little more. (*Author’s note: and that is how much I dislike Chris Berman.

-  Pay to have Stephen A. Smith’s mouth Matrixed closed.

-  Put that money into a pot and have an all-ESPN sports battle, winner take all, a la Battle of the Network Stars.

-  Start a new show featuring up-and-coming journalists who are forced to ask stupendously moronic questions to Frank Martin, Bo Pelini, Nick Saban, Bill Belichik, Brian Kelly, Bobby Knight, Bobby Cox, and Pat Riley.  3 times a week.  The show would be titled: The League of Extraordinarily Pissed Off Gentlemen.

-  This.  They could just do this:

FIN

The 2011 Hatchspys

Posted: July 13, 2011 in Sports
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The 2011 Hatchspys
 
It’s that time of year again, Sports fanatics.  The time of year when there’s so little actually going on in the sporting world that all we can do is constantly recap the year that was.  With women’s soccer and a merciful pause in Baseball for the All-Star game this is the time of year that bears a good deal of reflection.  Last year’s Hatchspys was a star-studded affair and, while I didn’t have a red carpet for anyone to walk, I did lay down a silky smooth layer of hate for the sports stars to enjoy.
 
Best Actor in a motion picture: Shaquille O’Neal
 
 
Mr. O’Neal, everyone’s favorite Irishman, recently starred in a new movie.  I’m not talking about “Kazaam 2″ or “Man of Steel” or even pulling a cameo in a video game like his now legendarily shitty “Shaq-fu” in which Shaq was a Mortal Kombat style ninja for Sega.  No. 
 
The Big Perv-istotle was recently caught on not-so-candid camera with a group of lovely ladies engaging in what could only best be described as whack-a-Shaq.  When news of Shaq’s impending sex tape being released to the public came around to “The Diesel”s attention he did what any normal citizen would do in this instance: he hired a team of Crips to find and kidnap the man with the tape and shake him down Suge Knight style.
 
While this story inexplicably hasn’t gotten nearly the amount of media attention that it deserves, as Shaq’s recent retirement overshadowed it, I couldn’t help but feel that it deserved a Hatchspy.  Prior to this tape being released the only “4-Way” Shaq had ever participated in was a trade to the Miami Heat. 

He was famous for his lack of conditioning while playing and, from what I hear, his . . .um. . . endurance has continued to be his weak point. 

Hopefully Shaq’s legal team shoots better than 52% from the free throw line or he may end up putting Icy Hot on his cellmates lower back.  And not for pain.
 
Worst misuse of a cellphone: Tie, Taylor Martinez & Anthony Weiner
 
We may never know what Husker quarterback Taylor Martinez actually did with his phone when he was back in the locker room of the Texas A&M game that fully erupted Mt. Pelini on November 20th of this past year, and unfortunately we know exactly what the aptly named Mr. Weiner did with his phone, but these two will be tied in the Hatchspy record books.
 
Martinez, who allegedly called his father while in the locker room during a particularly ugly game last fall, came out of the locker room where a waiting Pelini dressed him down in a manner that would make a drill sergeant look serene.  Weiner, a Congressman from New York, pretty much just dressed himself down.  To nothing.  And then sexted some photos.  To which I can only respond: OMG.  ROTFL.  TTYL, Weiner.
 
Worst new sports cliché: “It is what it is.”
 
Finally unseating bajillion time winner ” Giving it 110%” as the 2011 Hatchspy sports cliché of the year, “It is what it is” is part Yogi Berra idiocy, part Bill Belichik-ian ‘answer a question without revealing a damn thing’ and fully obnoxious to hear over and over again.  I understand that sometimes, as a people, we find ourselves without anything particularly relevant to say
(*Author’s note: see: every time I blog) but athletes are required to talk and so we sometimes are dealt the underwhelming whimper of a quote, “it is what it is.”
 
This quote, tossed around like drug-money in a strip club this year, has split and divided like a cancerous organism in the sports stars of my generation who say it more than just about everything except “I plead the fifth.” 
 
LeBron James, for instance, used the phrase so frequently during the that I found myself shouting at the T.V. like a petulant child, “Oh, REALLY, LeBron?!?  Is it REALLY what it is?  How f-ing profound.” 
 
Needless to say, if people had mute buttons, my fiance would have pushed mine.
 
Best Broadcaster: Charles Barkley
 
Not much to say on this one.  Barkley’s the man.  He hates on whomever he wants and he’s so funny about it that most of the time they can’t even possibly take it personally.  Quite frankly, I just want to party with him.  Can you imagine anything cooler than hitting the Vegas Strip with Chuck Barkley?  I can’t.  And for that fact, coupled with the fact that he can be a surprisingly insightful and witty analyst, makes the Round Mound of Rebound a Hatchspy winner.
 
Worst Coaching Analogy: Derek Dooley, in comparing his Tennessee Team to the Germans during WWII
 
No, I’m not kidding.  This actually happened.  Dooley, who took over a reeling Tennessee football program for the never-classy Lane Kiffin, was as quotable a coach as had ever set foot in Knoxville.  He was folksy and witty and the media loved his affable nature.
 
Dooley’s down-home Southern Charm took a 180 degree goosestep, however, when he compared his team full of underclassmen to the German’s during the invasion of Normandy beach.  I’m not sure if Dooley was busy skipping stones down at the crick or fishin’ with his pa’s fishin’ reel instead of going to history class but there’s literally no one worse to compare yourself too than the Nazis.  Except maybe Kiffin.
 
Regardless of the intent behind his analogy, Dooley declaring his team to be part of the Axis and therefore unwittingly naming himself Der Fuehrer of Dixieland, the foolishness of this statement is purely legendary.
 
Ringo Starr Fifth Wheel Award: Chris Bosh
 
Chris Bosh, previously famous for playing a velociraptor in “Jurassic Park 2,” has cemented his status as a professional fifth wheel.  Playing for the self-glossed “Heatles” this season, Bosh was at times lost in the shuffle.  He was Ringo.  That’s not to say he didn’t have a few “Octupus’ Garden” moments, where he was truly able to shine, but for the most part he sort of faded to the background.  At least as much as a guy with a longer neck than a Brontosaurus could

That’s all for the official 2011 Hatchspys.  Who would you have nominated and for what?

FIN

Brett Retires Once and For All. . .Or does he?

Posted: January 18, 2011 in Sports
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Brett Favre has finally filed his retirement papers.  After an astounding 20-year-long career that included such prestigious records as: All-Time Passing Yardage, All-Time Touchdown passes thrown, and most times the term “sext” was used when describing anything not involving tweenagers going wild, the “Old Gunslinger” has decided to hang up his Wranglers.

Favre’s career will be remembered for many things. 

He’ll be remembered as a strong-armed, passionate football player who seemed ready to suck every drop of enjoyment that he could out of his 302 game career.  He’ll be remembered for throwing interceptions.  A whole bayou boatload of ‘em. 

He’ll be fondly remembered by the media, who seemed to collectively have a bigger crush on Brett Favre than the hordes of soccer moms that tuned in on Sundays “just to see Brett in those football pants.”

But how will you remember Favre?

A part of me wants to remember Favre from his super bowl win.  Hurling a beautiful, lofting spiral deep to a sprinting Andre Rison on the second play of the game.  Rison was blasting through the night, running like his house was on fire — hmmm. . .maybe a different similie would be better there — and Favre’s throw was nearly flawless. 

And that’s what Favre could be, at times: nearly flawless.  But he always seemed to be an uncut diamond that was the size of your fist.  You knew what was there, how valuable he was, and yet his decisions seemed inherently jagged and as un-smooth as 29 interceptions in a season.

Another part of me wants to remember Favre’s waffling.  His flip-flopping like a soon-to-be-burned-in-effigy politician.  He couldn’t decide whether to walk into the sunset after a great year in Green Bay, and he appeared to not even know which way was West this past off-season as he appeared as decisive about his future career as a 14-year-old girl is when she’s Prom Dress shopping.

Whether Favre discussed his future career with his wife, sexted his options to some unknown mistress who has yet to file suit, or simply spun the magic 8-ball in his local Wal-Mart, he eventually decided to come back and give it one more go.

Favre looked every bit his 41 years of age, this past season.  From his gray-bearded stubble, to his myriad of injuries, the iron-man of the NFL looked to be rusting over before our very eyes. 

Finally, with a painful and under-achieving team gasping for air, Favre’s career came to end.  In fits and jerks, like a car running on fumes, Favre’s legacy ground to a halt.

Make no mistake, Brett Favre’s legacy will get him enshrined in Canton.  His career was nothing if not a tantalizing ride full of loop-the-loops and hairpin turns.  As Brett Favre trotted off the field for the last time he looked like a grizzled, graying vet, part football player and part “Old Man and the Sea.”

Perhaps it’s only fitting that a player who so treasured his “all or nothing” attitude went down with the ship in his final season.

Unless, of course, Favre was just pump-faking one last time before he goes deep with a come back as the Quarterback of my favorite NFL team, the San Francisco Forty Niners.  I, for one, hope he files those papers and does as one Michael W. Tyson once said, “Fades into Bolivia.”

FIN