Chris Berman recently received a new, multi-year deal with ESPN. The details of this deal are a little murky, as they generally seem to be with T.V. broadcasters, but Berman is rumored to make around $3 Million a year. (*Author’s note: that same article had Joe Buck making $5 Mill. Which begs the question, “what the F!?!?!?”)
I know Berman has been with ESPN for nearly their entire run. I understand that he’s one of their more famous anchors. But, seriously, ESPN? Berman/Boomer/The Swami? You chose to walk in and make it rain on a 57-year-old man who grunts and growls unintelligibly in an attempt to break down game footage and invariably ends up sounding like someone crossbred a Cro-Magnon man with John Madden?
I had high hopes that, in the near future, he would be retiring. That he would be stepping down; dropping his mic like B-Rabbit, post-freestyle, and slowly walking out towards the nearest golf course where the only dress code is “Must Wear Hawaiian shirts. . .always”
I even hoped that he might have a Network style breakdown on air or go all Jimmy the Greek on himself.
But since he’s apparently sticking around, and not wandering out to Alaska to live in a run-down schoolbus like Sean Penn and I had dreamed about, I thought that I would come up with a few other ideas on how ESPN could have better invested the pile of cash that they spent retaining his services.
- An on-air special, showing David Stern euthanizing the WNBA league.
- A golden-fiber bib for Lou Holtz to wear as he chugs his Benefiber smoothies and then slobbers on about how much he loves Notre Dame.
- Airing a track meet as it happens, instead of waiting until 2 days later and then showing a bunch of races we already know the outcome to. (*Author’s note: like watching a re-run of one of your favorite shows. No pun intended.)
- Paying off 1/3 of Jesse Palmer’s outstanding balance at Max Tan.
- A new reality show featuring OJ’s run for MVP in the Nevada Penal League’s Flag Football championships.
- A reality show where Bruce Jenner attempts to make a comeback in the Masters division.
- Buying the old statue of Joe Paterno and having a nationally televised show where it is melted down and converted into multiple sewage drains.
- Buy the rights for Slam Ball and air it 3 times a week.
- Cover Tim Tebow a little more. (*Author’s note: and that is how much I dislike Chris Berman.
- Pay to have Stephen A. Smith’s mouth Matrixed closed.
- Put that money into a pot and have an all-ESPN sports battle, winner take all, a la Battle of the Network Stars.
- Start a new show featuring up-and-coming journalists who are forced to ask stupendously moronic questions to Frank Martin, Bo Pelini, Nick Saban, Bill Belichik, Brian Kelly, Bobby Knight, Bobby Cox, and Pat Riley. 3 times a week. The show would be titled: The League of Extraordinarily Pissed Off Gentlemen.
- This. They could just do this: