Posts Tagged ‘Dwyane Wade’

NBA Finals: The Heatles, The Big 3², and Scoliam Neebrooks V. Spoelstra

Posted: June 12, 2012 in Sports
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The NBA finals are finally upon.  This gloriously inglorious, cluttered to the point of brutality, NBA season has finally reached a head.

On one side we have the Miami Heat.

On the other the Oklahoma City Thunder.

The self-glossed, self-inflated pomposity of a team with the audacity to promise 7 NBA titles before they had played a game and the skill-set to make some immediately nod their heads in agreement when they heard the bold proclamation.

The young, hungry, terrifyingly athletic group lead by a modest wunderkind, a supremely confident point guard and a beard that would make Rick Ross say, “Wait. . .what?”

Oklahoma City has Kevin Durant, the best scorer in the world.  Miami has LeBron James, the best player in the world.  Durant is relatively new to the spotlight, or as much as any 3-time scoring champ who was the 2nd overall draft pick can be, while LeBron’s chef’s third cousin is completely and thoroughly accustomed to being a topic of heated media discussion.  (*Author’s note: Skip Bayless would verbally attempt to impale him and Stephen A. Smith would slam down the race card like he just hit Blackjack at a million dollar table.)

Both have elite level talent at the top-end of their rosters.  Both have coaches that are, at the very minimum, serviceable in most situations and have been proven to be very good at times.  In short, the NBA finals this year should be fascinating, dramatic, and a great watch for sports fans of all makes and models.

Here are a few key storylines that I’m interested in watching during this year’s NBA Finals:

The Big 3²

(*Author’s note: please excuse me.  I’ve just discovered how to make the “squared” sign on a PC.  ².  Sorry.  Last time.)

At this point we’re all pretty tired of hearing about the “Big 3″ on each of these teams, but their impact on their teams cannot be overstated.  On Miami it’s James, Dwyane Wade, and velociraptor mongoliensis Bosh.  With the Thunder it’s Durant, James Harden and The Russell West-B in Apt. 23.

We know Durant and James will be gigantic in this series.  But what about the other parts of the equation for each team?

Will the VeBoshiraptor be healthy?  Or will he play like he just got capped by Robert Muldoon?  Will anyone put up with me continually yelling, “Shoot heeer!” everytime Bosh makes a play?  The key to the Heat’s resurgence in the Boston series was Bosh’s return and, eventually, his return to form.

Will Harden continue to wreak havoc off the bench, or will the Heat’s athletic, swarming perimeter defense slow him down?  Will his beard trump LeBron’s moving beard-tribute to the 16th President of the United States.  (*Author’s note: I’m still 94% convinced that LeBron’s beard is somehow an elaborate cross-promotion for the Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer movie.)

 

(*Secondary Author’s note: that’s still the second best tribute to Abe in the NBA.  Here’s the first.)

The Russell West-B in Apt. 23 and Dwyane Wade will play crucial second-fiddles in this series.  While I have no doubt that Westbrook can score with Wade, it will be interesting to watch his matchup with Mario Chalmers and see if he’s able to be his usual explosive self.

The Coaching Matchup

It’s been well-documented that Heat coach Eric Spoesltra could be on the hot-seat.  He’s found himself in the wholly unenviable position of being damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t, and totally f-ed if the Heat don’t deliver this time around.

Scoliam Neebrooks is facing his own kind of pressure.  While not nearly to the submarine-hull-at-Marianas-trench-bottom PSI that Spoelstra’s facing, this dead ringer for Liam Neeson needs to conjure his inner Col. Hannibal and come up with a plan that comes together.  How do you slow down LeBron, his go-to-gyu (*Author’s note: intentional typo alert) Dwyane Wade, and the VeBoshiraptor?  Seeing how he utilizes the young talent off the bench and his bigs will be something to keep an eye on.

The Refs

I’m not normally one to harp on the referees.  I’m not one of those people who think the league is rigged (*Author’s note: *cough* *cough* New Orleans wins the lottery *cough*) and I’m one of those people who thinks that as long as we keep trying to seamlessly incorporate technological advancement into the refereeing of sports we can cut these guys a little slack.

However the free throws could play a huge role in this series.  Will LeBron be at the line longer than a virgin waiting on The Hunger Games to come out?  Or will Durant get more freebies than a college football player attending USC?  Hopefully the refs stay the hell out of the way, like good refs should and can keep the flopping to a minimum.

2-3-2

It’s not a defensive formation that will automatically elicit a technical foul, nor is it some weird lingo for a new reality show that features a group of two bros, three frenemies and two hipsters who are all piled into a shack in the wilderness, a handgun, and a potential alien that is hidden among them.  (*Author’s note: but I’m sure that Fox has that one in the works)

What that refers to is the NBA’s championship format.  It’s different from the other rounds and lends itself to big trouble for the Thunder should they lose either game one or game two.  The team that wins game one wins the series 72% of the time.  OKC has a great home crowd.  Miami has a crowd.  The Thunder have a significant homecourt advantage and it will be interesting to see if this format helps or hinders them in their quest.

I’ll have more coverage of this, hopefully, amazing series.  Keep tuning in and I’ll keep gushing.

FIN

5 Reasons to Root for/against the Oklahoma City Thunder in the Upcoming NBA Finals

Posted: June 8, 2012 in Sports
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Do you hear that?  That deep, timpani roll just off the horizon that’s  cascading our way?  Reverberating, humming deep into your solar plexus like you’re standing too close to a didgeridoo?  That’s the sound of the Thunder.  That’s the sound of youth morphing into experience and a building, tempestuous roar that, like a stormy sea slamming into eroding rock cliffs, signals the passing of time.

The torch was passed last night.

Not willingly.  It was ripped from the aging, championship-ring-wearing hands of the San Antonio Spurs who, mere games earlier, had looked to be unbeatable; an unstoppable, silver and black clad tide that was rolling in and nothing and no one could stop them on their way to the title.

Successions to the throne are rarely clean.  There’s poison, vitriol, and if you watch Game of Thrones, incest (*Author’s note: a whole lot of incest).  The Spurs are a far classier bunch than the Lannisters, but they still gave the Thunder their all.  And somehow the kids from OKC prevailed.

I’m torn on the Thunder.  They bring all kinds of positives to the court, but I still am not entirely on the Thunder bandwagon.  It’s an enigma to me, because I can’t fully jock the Thunder without coming up with a list of why I shouldn’t.  There’s this whole Yin and Yang thing going on, with an occasional Ying Yang Twins thing sprinkled in.  Just trust me, it’s complex. 

So I decided to present you, my 4 readers, with a list of 5 reasons to root for the Oklahoma City Thunder and 5 reasons to root against them. 

5 Reasons to Root for the Oklahoma City Thunder:

1.  Kevin Durant

Kevin Durant may be the best basketball player on earth.  You could argue that LeBron James has that title, and his MVP performance and more-multi-faceted game certainly would back that up if you wanted to present the case.  But make no mistake about it, Kevin Durant is the real deal.

He’s 23-years-old.  When I was that age I was jamming on wrinkly jeans from the floor of my bedroom and brushing my teeth with Diet Mountain Dew on my way to an already-5-minutes-in class lecture.  He’s led the league in scoring 3 times. 

He’s humble.  He’s well-spoken.  He’s 6’10″ and can handle the ball like a guard, shoot 3′s like he’s playing NBA Jam TE on easy mode, and attacks the rim with a ferocity that seems suicidal given that he looks to weigh about 108 pounds.

If he hadn’t gone to Texas I might like him even more.

2.  James Harden

Even though my wife claims that his beard makes her “want to punch him in the face”, a claim which I find to be particularly amazing (*Author’s note: I’m a lucky man) I still like Harden.  He does everything.  Scores, distributes, comes off the bench without complaining and plays good defense.

Guys like Harden are what make championships possible.  Guys like Harden are what make teams great.  His progression this year may be exactly what has helped to get the Thunder over the Western Conference Finals hump.  Even if he looks like a mutant-spawn of an illicit Rick Ross/lumberjack mountain-shack affair, the guy can flat-out play and you can’t help but root for him.

3.  Substance Meets Style

The Thunder are just a damn fun team to watch play.  They can score.  They can defend.  They have 3 guys who could literally jump up take a quarter off the backboard, make change for it, then play a now-suddenly-overpriced $.50 game of Pac-Man before they hit the ground.  They do all of this while winning, which is the most impressive part of the equation.

When the Thunder are in the open court on a fast break even the whiter-than-Wonderbread crowd in OKC suddenly finds itself standing and preparing to get funky.

4.  Scott Brooks. . .Looks Exactly Like Liam Neeson

Here’s a quick side-by-side:

 

If you think you’re going to kidnap Liott Neebrooks’ chance for a title you’re sorely mistaken.  He’s a man with a definite set of skills.  And he’ll use all of those considerable skills to hunt you down and find you.

5.  They’re Not the Heat/Celtics

5 Reasons to Root Against the Oklahoma City Thunder

1.  Don’t Trust The Russell West-B in Apt. 23

Russell Westbrook.  He’s definitely one of the top 10 players in the league.  In his own mind he’s a top 1 player in the league.  When the line between reality and whatever’s floating around in his Chris-Brown-looking head. 

While I’m completely in awe of his ability I generally get the feeling that somehow he believes himself to be every bit the equal to Kevin Durant, who is a once-in-a-generation talent.  Where Harden and most of OKC knows their roles, The West-B in Apt. 23 often times appears to be the Thunder’s version of Joe Pesci.  Phenomenal as a #2 but at his best when offsetting Bob DeNiro.

2.  Kendrick Perkins

Perkins stumps around on court looking with the grace and the general demeanor of the title character Blackenstein. 

   

He’s borrowed every scowl, dirty move, and faux-anger-that-gets-very-un-faux-technical-fouls manuver in the Kevin Garnett: Anything is Possiiiiiblllleeeee Guide to Overblown, Theatrical Intensity handbook.

3.  This :

 

4.  This:

5.  And this: 

These guys can shoot pretty good, considering they clearly have a team-wide vision problem.

I’m not a fashion expert.  In fact, I don’t understand anything that’s trendy or cool anymore.  I feel like we’ve fallen through a portal to some kind of alternate dimension where it’s cool to dress like Willy Wonka; a terrifying land where Superman wants to be Clark Kent. 

The Thunder are at the front of this brutal assault on our 1080-p’s.  They step to the podium with glasses that would even cause a hipster to stop sipping his Latvian-imported micro-brew, that he can’t pronounce but knows deep in the soul-less chasm of his heart that it just has to be better than anything made in America, and spit it out onto his carefully wrinkled pants.

This atrocity cannot go un-recognized, but compared with the Miami Heat, who’re equally stylistically inclined?  This final piece of the un-rooting puzzle might just not be enough.  Go Thunder!

FIN

Chris Bosh Madness: A GIF-Laden Breakdown of the “Other Guy” on the Miami Heat

Posted: May 7, 2012 in Pop Culture, Sports
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Chris Bosh is the 3rd wheel.  He’s the single friend that somehow gets dragged along to The Lucky One and ends up sitting two seats over munching balefully on his popcorn while trying not to hear his companions making out.  LeBron and Dwyane Wade are the ones making out in this scenario.  Figuratively, of course.

Bosh is the guy who’s least debated, least celebrated, and would definitely be the Ringo Starr of the self-proclaimed “Heatles.”  But there is one place that Chris Bosh is the belle of the ball, however: the internet.  Bosh moves from the peripheries of sight, working as a very accomplished bit player, to stage center right up in the front with a glaring spotlight shining on him.

Could it be his strange on-court demeanor?  Seemingly laid back despite his various attempts to hood himself up, opening his mouth into strange Edvard Munch-ian screams.  (*Author’s note: Munch’s most famous piece recently sold for $119.9 Million.  Or, roughly how much LeBron lost in advertisement deals by doing “The Decision.) 

    

Could it be the fact that he has reportedly been spotted, GASP!, reading books before the Heat’s games?  (*Author’s note: I’m a little hazy on the actual details of these reports but I recall hearing tales of Bosh’s indulgence in the Twilight series.  This detail, if actually true, seems like it would be far more damaging to a team’s collective psyche than finding out that — and this instance is purely a figment of my overactive imagination — say, one player was having an affair with another player’s mother.)

After all, arguably the most intimidating players in the league can barely read.  Kevin Garnett messed up his own shoe deals’ slogan and Derrick Rose just paid some other kid to take his SAT for him so he could get into the prestigious institute of learning that is. . .wait for it. . . Memphis.

It could be the fact that Bosh himself looks so much like a Raptor that when he played in Toronto (*Author’s note: where the team name is, ironically, The Raptors) people could be heard murmuring in the stands, “Damn, that mascot can really hoop!”  This final theory, which just so happens to be my personal favorite is what has elevated Bosh’s internet stardom to nearly that of his purse-carrying, male-model-wanna-be-ing counterparts.

Every time I watch the Heat play, and I’m completely out of variations on the F-word to scream at LeBron I find myself watching Bosh Jurassic Park his way up and down the court.  When he gets the ball at the top of the key, with no one guarding him I find I usually end up screaming this:

When explaining Bosh’s career, which is a very strange one, albeit far from over, I will more than likely do so to my young by printing off this monologue and reciting it line for line:

All of these things have propelled Bosh into the public forum, but where he has really come into his own recently has been in the GIF world.  Which is really just a nerdy alternate universe for internet obsessed types who spend hours dicking around online in an effort to get a laugh.  Bosh may be an NBA All-Star, but he’s a GIF HOF’er.

Here’s the best of the best of the Chris Bosh GIFs, feel free to submit your own.

In this one, which we will tentatively award the Bronze medal, Bosh decides that he’s been compared to a Velociraptor enough and throws his hat into the ring in the “Geico Impersonating World Championships.”  He does look like he is about to snatch a fly out the air like a reptilian version of Mr. Miyagi.

In this GIF, Bosh pops out of nowhere to invade a LeBron James interview.  Stealthily sneaking into the bottom of the frame the sneak-thieving Bosh appears with sudden, raptor-like viciousness to try to steal away the camera from LeBron.  LeBron, who in recent years has shied away from the spotlight like a criminal making a break for the fence at a maximum security prison, was heard saying after Bosh’s guest appearance that, “They should all be destroyed.”  It was unconfirmed as to whether he was talking about the people of Cleveland or a pack of dinosaurs brought back from the Cretaceous period.

And here would have to be my number one Chris Bosh GIF of all time.  This is the gold medal winner, the piece de resistance of Bosh somehow managing to make a fool of himself despite being a world-class athlete and, from all accounts, a pretty good dude.  I know I called him a Velociraptor for about 550 words of this post, but in this GIF Bosh makes sure we all know that, if we’re going to be accurate with our species designation, he’s actually more of a Dilophosaurus, or ”Spitter.”

(*Author’s note: After shattering box office records around the world, the movie The Avengers has continued to garner millions of dollars and rave reviews.  **SPOILER ALERT** Bosh has a scene-stealing cameo.)

FIN

The 2011 Hatchspys

Posted: July 13, 2011 in Sports
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The 2011 Hatchspys
 
It’s that time of year again, Sports fanatics.  The time of year when there’s so little actually going on in the sporting world that all we can do is constantly recap the year that was.  With women’s soccer and a merciful pause in Baseball for the All-Star game this is the time of year that bears a good deal of reflection.  Last year’s Hatchspys was a star-studded affair and, while I didn’t have a red carpet for anyone to walk, I did lay down a silky smooth layer of hate for the sports stars to enjoy.
 
Best Actor in a motion picture: Shaquille O’Neal
 
 
Mr. O’Neal, everyone’s favorite Irishman, recently starred in a new movie.  I’m not talking about “Kazaam 2″ or “Man of Steel” or even pulling a cameo in a video game like his now legendarily shitty “Shaq-fu” in which Shaq was a Mortal Kombat style ninja for Sega.  No. 
 
The Big Perv-istotle was recently caught on not-so-candid camera with a group of lovely ladies engaging in what could only best be described as whack-a-Shaq.  When news of Shaq’s impending sex tape being released to the public came around to “The Diesel”s attention he did what any normal citizen would do in this instance: he hired a team of Crips to find and kidnap the man with the tape and shake him down Suge Knight style.
 
While this story inexplicably hasn’t gotten nearly the amount of media attention that it deserves, as Shaq’s recent retirement overshadowed it, I couldn’t help but feel that it deserved a Hatchspy.  Prior to this tape being released the only “4-Way” Shaq had ever participated in was a trade to the Miami Heat. 

He was famous for his lack of conditioning while playing and, from what I hear, his . . .um. . . endurance has continued to be his weak point. 

Hopefully Shaq’s legal team shoots better than 52% from the free throw line or he may end up putting Icy Hot on his cellmates lower back.  And not for pain.
 
Worst misuse of a cellphone: Tie, Taylor Martinez & Anthony Weiner
 
We may never know what Husker quarterback Taylor Martinez actually did with his phone when he was back in the locker room of the Texas A&M game that fully erupted Mt. Pelini on November 20th of this past year, and unfortunately we know exactly what the aptly named Mr. Weiner did with his phone, but these two will be tied in the Hatchspy record books.
 
Martinez, who allegedly called his father while in the locker room during a particularly ugly game last fall, came out of the locker room where a waiting Pelini dressed him down in a manner that would make a drill sergeant look serene.  Weiner, a Congressman from New York, pretty much just dressed himself down.  To nothing.  And then sexted some photos.  To which I can only respond: OMG.  ROTFL.  TTYL, Weiner.
 
Worst new sports cliché: “It is what it is.”
 
Finally unseating bajillion time winner ” Giving it 110%” as the 2011 Hatchspy sports cliché of the year, “It is what it is” is part Yogi Berra idiocy, part Bill Belichik-ian ‘answer a question without revealing a damn thing’ and fully obnoxious to hear over and over again.  I understand that sometimes, as a people, we find ourselves without anything particularly relevant to say
(*Author’s note: see: every time I blog) but athletes are required to talk and so we sometimes are dealt the underwhelming whimper of a quote, “it is what it is.”
 
This quote, tossed around like drug-money in a strip club this year, has split and divided like a cancerous organism in the sports stars of my generation who say it more than just about everything except “I plead the fifth.” 
 
LeBron James, for instance, used the phrase so frequently during the that I found myself shouting at the T.V. like a petulant child, “Oh, REALLY, LeBron?!?  Is it REALLY what it is?  How f-ing profound.” 
 
Needless to say, if people had mute buttons, my fiance would have pushed mine.
 
Best Broadcaster: Charles Barkley
 
Not much to say on this one.  Barkley’s the man.  He hates on whomever he wants and he’s so funny about it that most of the time they can’t even possibly take it personally.  Quite frankly, I just want to party with him.  Can you imagine anything cooler than hitting the Vegas Strip with Chuck Barkley?  I can’t.  And for that fact, coupled with the fact that he can be a surprisingly insightful and witty analyst, makes the Round Mound of Rebound a Hatchspy winner.
 
Worst Coaching Analogy: Derek Dooley, in comparing his Tennessee Team to the Germans during WWII
 
No, I’m not kidding.  This actually happened.  Dooley, who took over a reeling Tennessee football program for the never-classy Lane Kiffin, was as quotable a coach as had ever set foot in Knoxville.  He was folksy and witty and the media loved his affable nature.
 
Dooley’s down-home Southern Charm took a 180 degree goosestep, however, when he compared his team full of underclassmen to the German’s during the invasion of Normandy beach.  I’m not sure if Dooley was busy skipping stones down at the crick or fishin’ with his pa’s fishin’ reel instead of going to history class but there’s literally no one worse to compare yourself too than the Nazis.  Except maybe Kiffin.
 
Regardless of the intent behind his analogy, Dooley declaring his team to be part of the Axis and therefore unwittingly naming himself Der Fuehrer of Dixieland, the foolishness of this statement is purely legendary.
 
Ringo Starr Fifth Wheel Award: Chris Bosh
 
Chris Bosh, previously famous for playing a velociraptor in “Jurassic Park 2,” has cemented his status as a professional fifth wheel.  Playing for the self-glossed “Heatles” this season, Bosh was at times lost in the shuffle.  He was Ringo.  That’s not to say he didn’t have a few “Octupus’ Garden” moments, where he was truly able to shine, but for the most part he sort of faded to the background.  At least as much as a guy with a longer neck than a Brontosaurus could

That’s all for the official 2011 Hatchspys.  Who would you have nominated and for what?

FIN

LeBrontourage, Season 7: The King is Overthrown

Posted: June 14, 2011 in Sports
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A King was overthrown on Sunday night.  A usurper, he was shown to be a tyrant who had laid claim to the throne illegitimately.  On Sunday LeBron James, “King James” to his round the clock team of advertising execs and marketing gurus, and his bourgeois posse were defeated at the hands of a tight-knit group of underdogs.

My disdain for the Miami Heat, and in particular their “King” James, is well documented.  I vehemently opposed the rampant douchery that was “The Decision” and I promptly launched myself into the bandwagon of any team playing the Heat this season.

That’s why, on Sunday night, I found myself cheering wildly for a team that I normally would only have a grudging respect for; found myself strongly considering Googling “How to say ‘Suck it LeBron’ in German.”

And make no mistake about it: the Dallas Mavericks earned this title.  They earned it with steely nerves, forging comeback after comeback in the magma-hot furnace of unflappable drive. 

They earned it with a dizzying array of role players, all stepping up to fill in points and assists like a basketball version of Mad-Libs.

“Just when the Miami Heat appeared ready to pull away ­­______ (Insert foreign player) hit two threes and then ________ (insert old, unathletic guy with receding hairline) takes a charge and the Mavericks were right back in it.”

They earned it by having a seven-foot tall Nordic beastman who would’ve made the Germanic hordes that plunged the civilized world into the Dark Ages proud with his ferocity.  Of course, with Dirk Nowitzki, his ferocity was buried somewhere deep down inside.  Far below his wolfman-like beard, his gangly arms and his coif of blonde hair was a tenacity that blows up the myth that foreign players are soft.

While King James’ throne crumbled before our eyes in 1080p, collapsing into a rubble-like pile of Sprite commercials and poorly written State Farm ads, it became clear that his crown was more Burger King than Crown Jewels.  He looked disinterested, uninspired, and with the warm Atlantic waters rising to “sink or swim time” James thrashed around like a shark attack victim in “Jaws 3.” 

James found himself in a familiar predicament.  The spotlights were blazing, the pressure was so immense that James’ number six jersey had turned entirely to lead, and when he reached for the human flotation device known as Dwyane Wade James suddenly found himself floundering yet again. 

His game stuttering like Colin Firth, “The King’s” speech was clear in his body language.  James was sinking.

Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas’ biggest star, spent much of the first 3 quarters struggling mightily as well.  Dirk, who had made a habit in this series of turning into a one-man blitzkrieg when the fourth quarter rolled around, was shooting worse than Hans Gruber’s henchman but got a huge boost from Jason Terry, an older-than-dirt Jason Kidd, and J.J. Barea.

Barea, who stepped up immensely in the last few games of the finals, gave hope to all of us below-5’8″ers that once fancied ourselves to be basketball players.  Kidd and Terry were the consummate role-players and kept the Mavs in the game until Dirk came around and began his late game surge.

The pieces fell into place for the Mavericks.  Marc Cuban, the Mavericks’ owner, even shut his billion-dollar trap for just long enough to let his squad’s team-first attitude do all the talking.  Cuban, who constantly looks like he’s either going to – or just got done doing multiple keg stands at – a frat party, decided that he’d let his team play for once and it paid off.

He hasn’t shut up since.  He shot off more tweets and shot down more shots of Patron than any owner in league history last night, running up an alleged bar tab of $200,000 taking his team out after the game to party.

James, for his part had a royal execution befitting a king.  He was guillotined by the media; marched out in front a verbal firing squad where the questions were loaded and fired off after a drumroll of building tension.  He did what he’s done all season: pretended not to care what people thought. 

Sounding more like a petulant child pulling a patented, “Nu-unnnhhh!”  He deflected questions about his choices, his late game demise, and attempted nonchalance. 

As for his legacy?  Far too early to tell.  The Heat are still really good.  Freakishly good.  So good, in fact that I don’t see why they won’t be one of the favorites again next year to make it all the way back.  I never felt safe while watching the Mavericks play against such a bevy of talent.  I’m fairly certain that I held my breath during the entire 6th game in a feat that would’ve made Houdini’s efforts look mundane.

I was so shaken that during the series I uttered more swear words per quarter than Dirk averaged points per game.  I was worried that, somehow, this NBA Finals would be like a Scorsese movie: really, really good, but with an ending that would leave me screaming, “why can’t the good guys just win?!?!”

I still have some weird sensation that the Mavs will be in the middle of their victory parade and LeBron, Wade, and Bosh’s alien-looking neck will pop out of a float, and reveal that somehow they had won the series.  But after watching Bron-Bron choke choke on the game like George W. on a Rolds Gold, I have found some measure of peace with the way things ended up.

James was overthrown; proven to be no more a king than any pauper off the street who could afford a knock-off crown.  His former legions of serfs, popularly known as the city of Cleveland, Ohio have begun to rejoice at the fall of a false king. 

Let the party continue. 

James will be back, of that I have no doubt.  But for now?  Sic semper tyrannis.

FIN

NBA Playoff Matchups: The East So Far

Posted: April 19, 2011 in Sports
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Bulls V.S. Pacers

Somehow the Pacers have managed to keep these games close despite trotting out a lineup with less athleticism and more whiteness than the cast of “The Outsiders.” 

However, in the end, they’ve been unable to escape the inevitable beatdown that comes with playing a red-hot Bulls team playing with confidence.

Derrick Rose has singlehandedly elevated his game to the stratosphere, scoring 39 and 36 points in the last two games, respectively.  He’s diced his way through the pale lineup like a Slap Chop through hardboiled eggs. 

Watching 7’2″ Roy Hibbert shuffle after Rose is like watching Frankenstein try to catch a mongoose.  On one drive to the hoop, Rose shook up more unathletic white guys then the San Francisco earthquake in 1906. 

The Pacers, to their credit haven’t given up and have continued fighting despite coming up against the most electric player to don Bulls black and Red since #23.  Regardless of how close they can keep the games, it appears that they’re headed home early this year after going down 0-2. 

This isn’t the last you’ve heard of the Indiana Pacers, however.  They’ll once again make the news when they draft BYU guard Jimmer Fredette to add to their lightning quick lineup of honky-power.

Celtics V.S. Knicks

The Knicks and Celtics both made season-altering trades this winter.  The Knicks traded 2 Boroughs-worth of people for Carmelo Anthony and the Celts sent Kendrick Perkins to Oklahoma City in an effort to — well, an effort to. . .alright, I admit it: I have no idea what they were thinking trading Kendrick Perkins.

The simple fact of the matter is that neither trade went particularly well.  While the Carmelo deal certainly brough some buzz to the Knicks it certainly didn’t bring any more wins and the Celts were rolling some 38-year-old 340 lb. dice, that Shaq would slather on some icy hot, shout “Kazaam” and be back to a dominant force.  He hasn’t played since January.

The Celtics won the first game of the series after a late, clutch, three-point bucket by Jesus Shuttlesworth (Ray Allen).  TNT, in their infinite wisdom, decided to shatter the previous record for in-game cutaway shots of someone completely un-important to the game by showing Ray Allen’s mom going completely insane each time her son hit a shot. 

(*Author’s note: this camera shot, commonly referred to by experts as “The Longoria”, named after Spurs guard Tony Parker’s ex-wife, Eva Longoria who  previously held the record at 12 billion.)

Allen, whose mom goes Gloria-James-after-a-bottle-of-Hennessy crazy each time her son hits a shot, had better hope that his Mom doesn’t get too much air time.  We know how his teammate Delonte West rolls.

The second game in this series begins tonight and the pressure is squarely on Carmelo Anthony who blundered his way down the stretch against the Celts in game 1, culminating in a bad shot from well beyond three-point range as time expired for the win.  Look for Amar’e Stoudemire to continue running wild on the Perkins-less, and suddenly soft, interior of the Celts.

Hawks V.S. Magic

The Hawks, who last year were trounced so thoroughly in the playoffs that their management promptly gave shooting guard Joe Johnson $120 million dollars for his non-efforts, have come out looking focused and ready to play. 

Despite giving up an astounding 46 points to Dwight Howard in the paint, the Hawks were able to pull out a victory in game 1. 

Normally the Hawks play like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie: a whole lot of flash, a high budget, but no real substance to speak of.  However, if they can continue to stay focused and concentrate on shutting down Orlando’s other weapons, (*Author’s note: I’m looking at you, Gilbert Arenas.  For multiple reasons.) they have a legitimate shot of hanging in with the Magic.

Heat V.S. 76ers

The Heat have given us something that we all love: a dyed in the wool villain.  I’m talking Darth James and Sith Lord Wade.  Hell, Chris Bosh certainly looks like a character from “Star Wars” and has apparently allied himself with “the dark side.”

The Heat have become the Yankees on steroids.  (*Author’s note: Wait, that already happened.  It was called 2003.)  They’re Ivan Drago from “Rocky IV.”  They’re a cockier, more athletic, version of the Celtics’ “Big 3″ and have had no remorse declaring themselves the soon-to-be best team of all time.

And they drew the 76ers.  A team that is too young.  Too out of control, as illustrated by their botching of a game earlier in the year after attending a wild Lil Wayne concert.  Simply put, they’re tatted up versions of the Ewoks and don’t stand a chance against the evil empire of Miami.

The 76ers kept the first game close, got blown out in game 2, and it’s only fitting that a team with the 2011 version of Benedict Arnold will attempt to shut down a squad named after the American Revolution.

More to Come. . .

I’ll check back in soon with my breakdown of the Western Conference playoffs.  Keep tuning in.

FIN

LeBrontourage: Season 7 Preview

Posted: July 1, 2010 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , ,
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After last season’s surprise, twist-ending that saw King James get bounced out of the playoffs by an aging Celtics squad, teams have been scrambling to get LeBron on their team.  The Knicks have pulled out all the stops, throwing their financial, celebrity and big city trappings at Lebron’s Niked-up feet.  The Chicago Bulls have thrown their lot into the mix as well, slashing and burning cap space like it was rainforest, and the Miami Heat seem intent on pitching Dwyane Wade as Eric Murphy to LBJ’s Vince.  The entire city of Cleveland has attempted to ask, or should I say beg, their greatest homegrown athlete of all time to stick around.  Where will LeBron end up?  Will he choose the beaches and thongs of Miami or the board rooms and penthouse suites of NYC?  Will Cleveland ever win anything?  These answers and more, in the LeBrontourage Season Premiere starting today on every sports network imaginable.

 New York: a bustling metropolis with well-known nicknames like “The City that Never Sleeps”, “The Capital of the World” and “The Place Where a Guy Tried to Sell Me a Fake Rolex and a Dime Bag in the Same Conversation.”  Alright, that last one was mine.  But that did happen.  New York is a place where LeBron could take his already astronomical net-worth and truly blast into a Jordan-esque tax bracket.  New York has the fabled Madison Square Garden, one of the most famed home courts for a team in history, and a star-studded, celebrity courtside crew.  LeBron and New York seem like a great match off the court.

But on the court?  New York is a bigger mess than a sorority girl on cheap-margarita night.  After she just got dumped.  They have plodded along to a 212-362 game record since LeBron’s joined the league.  That’s a 58% winning percentage and a meager 6% better than Shaq’s career free-throw percentage.  The best player on the Knicks is a Honky with two first names that I have to Google just to show people who he is.  Alicia Keys may sing that the city is a “concrete Jungle where dreams are made of” but the only thing concrete about the Knicks, is the way they move their feet on defense.

 What about the Chi, you might be saying?  Doesn’t the land of Obama and Oprah, Jordan and Joachim get any love in this whole contest?  The answer is “yes.”  The Bulls have made room for LeBron and have thrown off some of their lesser, overpaid talent to pave the way for him.  Would LeBron dare go to the Windy City where the G.O.A.T. once played, to suit up alongside a guy that he almost had an altercation with, in Joachim Noah.  The Bulls have a few pieces in place in Derrick Rose and the aforementioned Noah and can pick up one Max-contract free-agent but seem to be trailing the next team in the recent media blitz’s predictions on who’ll land James.

 The other team that is vying to take LeBron away from his home-state is the Miami Heat.  This team has been carried on Dwyane Wade’s ample back for the last few years and, needless to say he’s getting a little tired.  The city itself is another big-time market and all the team needs to do to lure LeBron’s gaze away from the dirty, cold streets of Cleveland is to kick open his limousine door and let him catch a whiff of the salt-tinged beach air.  All he needs to do is catch an eyeful of the perfect sand, rolling out its own version of a red carpet down to its never-cold-enough-to-need-the-15-winter-coats-you-are-required-to-have-in-Cleveland water.  Miami is gorgeous and boasts fast cars and wild times for the 25-year-old millionaire. 

But does it boast touches on the court?  Will LBJ and D-Wade work out together?  They seem compatible on the court, having done well together as teammates on Team U.S.A., and are legitimate friends.  But both are big time scorers and both guys are alpha males that lead their team.  Will Pat Riley come back and take over the Heat?  He seems to come back to coaching like a junkie to the pipe.  It would be tough for James to say no to a team with Bosh, Wade, and himself coached by one of the all-time greats in a climate where you don’t even need to wear long pants in January.  If LeBron doesn’t feel threatened by going to “Wade’s City” and “Wade’s Team” and if Wade doesn’t mind giving up a few late-game jumpers and a few groupie 3-ways to The King?  I’d watch out for the Miami Heat.

The last piece of this puzzle is Cleveland.  The Cavaliers can’t seem to work any general manager magic, make any moves that put the Cavs over the top, or ride the Bron-Bron express to the promised land.  For 2 straight seasons the Cavs have finished with the league’s best record and for 2 straight seasons they have been bounced before reaching the NBA finals.  James has played himself to back-to-back MVP trophies and they still can’t put it together around him.  Anderson Varejao is his best big-man and Varejao’s hair is usually more noteworthy than his stat line.  I LeBron leaves, he leaves behind a town and state that have adored him since he was 13 and suddenly takes the title “most hated man in his hometown of all time.”  A tough title to bear, for sure, but Cleveland is nearly maxed out and the best they could do would be to bring in a middling free agent in some kind of trade for Mo Williams or another guard.

No matter what LBJ chooses, LeBrontourage Season 7 promises to have all kinds of twists and turns.  Will it have the surprise ending that makes “Saw” seem predictable, like James heading to New Jersey?  Or will James choose Miami sand over New York skyscraper steel?  Tune in today as it all plays out.  Also, check out the mathematical equations that I have developed for each team in my post tomorrow.