Burnpoetry: A Writer's Attempt to Write

Yesterday the news broke that Bill Callahan was being accused of “Sabotaging” the Oakland Raiders in Super Bowl XXXVII by Hall of Fame receiver Tim Brown.  Brown made claims that Callahan had changed the team’s gameplan two days before the actual game and that he had done so in an effort to torpedo his team’s chances of winning it all.  Callahan’s motivation for purposefully tanking the most important game in United the States’ Sporting world?  He hated the Raiders and he was good friends with opposing head coach, Jon Gruden.

It’s been kind of a tough week already for famous Billy C’s.  First, former president Billy C. got nailed for scoping out Kelly Clarkson’s booty during the inauguration on Monday:

and now these accusations against our beloved, warmly regarded Callahan.

At first I was appalled by these heinous accusations.  I spent ten minutes yelling at the T.V. “Don’t point the finger, you point the thumb, Tim Brown!”  Before I was fully able to calm myself down.  If these reports were true, why, they would tear asunder the majestic tapestry that is Bill Callahan’s legacy as a football coach.  They would shed doubt on a golden era of Husker football in which the revered Billy C. was able to cement his legacy as one of the sharpest, most brilliant minds in the game.

While I firmly believe that this a steaming load of B.S. that Tim Brown is desperately shoveling, I can’t help but be intrigued by the idea that, perhaps, Bill Callahan has been intentionally losing games for years.  What if Billy C. is really only in coaching so that he can periodically and systematically lose games?  What would his motivation be?  How would he reach the decision to be a serial, on-purpose loser?

Call me Keanu, people, because I’m about to become. . .the Devil’s advocate.

Keanu Reeves reference # 3,457

-  September 11, 2004                    Southern Miss: 21 Nebraska: 17

In just Callahan’s second game as a Nebraska head coach, rumors begin to swirl that he may have purposely lost the game.  Prior to kickoff he can be seen exchanging open-mouthed kisses with Southern Miss cheerleaders and is rumored to have been text-message-buddies with former Southern Miss alumnus, Brett Favre.  Callahan allegedly tells the team before the game, “And, hey guys. . .if we lose?  It’s really not the end of the world.  Trust me.  I’ve lost plenty of times.  And look at me now.  Right?!?  Right?!?  Now get out there and just, I don’t know, kind of see what happens!”  As time runs out, the Huskers have a chance for one final play.  Callahan reaches deep into his bag of tricks and draws up a play.  It looks like this:

Coaching genius

Joe Dailey inexplicably follows Callahan’s coaching instructions and runs directly out of bounds as time expires instead of throwing it into the endzone.  A season later he will refer to Callahan as “Billy C.” at a press conference and will end up transferring to North Carolina.  Callahan’s game-throwing ways were just beginning at Nebraska.

-  October 9, 2004                    Texas Tech: 70 Nebraska: 10

Callahan reads the weekly spread he receives from his bookie, Charlie “The Cockatoo” Covaccio, before he has on his glasses the morning of the game.  Mistakenly believing that the spread is “65″ instead of “6.5″ he decides to really sabotage this game.  He is seen before the game at a pirate-themed strip club, sharing cocktails and discussing hair-grooming techniques with Mike Leach, which leads many to believe that they are, indeed, #bffs4lyfe.

Nebraska becomes the first team to be recognized by the NCAA as legally taking a dump on the 50-yard-line and Callahan loses 300 grand due to his gambling miscue.  He pulls that money out of his couch cushions and proceeds to laugh hysterically.

-  October 22, 2005                    Missouri: 42 Nebraska: 24

Despite being 5-1 at the time, Callahan’s illicit relationship with Missouri quarterback Chase Daniels leads him to, once again, purposefully toss a game.  We here at Burnpoetry have obtained an exclusive transcript of his pre-game speech to the team.  Here it is:

Whatever.”

Word is leaked quietly that during the team’s meetings prior to this game, Callahan repeatedly attempts to “ask Corso” for offensive plays and shows the team a 15 minute long slideshow of photos of himself and Chase Daniels on their retreat to Cabo San Lucas set to music from Kenny G.’s latest album, calling it “important film study.”

-  November 5, 2005                    Kansas: 40 Nebraska: 15

Callahan and KU Coach, Mark Mangino, exchange this necklace during the pre-game warmups:

and then pinky swear that “no matter what, we’ll always totes be there for one another.”  Callahan can be seen laughing and crying on his way back to his own sideline.  His friendship entangles his play calling and at halftime Callahan can be heard calling the opposing locker room and telling Mark Mangino, “no you hang up.”  Despite his claims that his team played hard, Callahan has a post-game, candlelit dinner for Mangino and himself at Golden Corral.

-  December 2, 2006                    Oklahoma: 21 Nebraska: 7

During the Big XII Championship game Callahan can be heard explaining that “It’s just, like, so cold out here.  I can’t be expected to call plays when my chapstick is frozen onto my face.”  For the entirety of the first quarter when his assistant coaches ask him to send them a play call his answer is repeatedly, “Well, first, tell me where my Starbucks Mochachino and my fox-skin gloves are.  Then I will give you the damn play.”  Rumors swirl after the game that he keeps mumbling Bob Stoops’ name in his sleep, during his patented second quarter nap.

After the game Callahan will inadvertently admit that him and stoops are “homies.”  And that they are both members of the notorious street gang “The Northern Peaks Suburb Ryderz.”  Fellow “Ryderz” member, O.J. Simpson, declined to comment when Burnpoetry reached him in his prison cell.

-  September 22, 2007                    Nebraska: 41 Ball State: 40

Callahan accidentally wins a game against a MAC school.  Ball State kicks a field goal for the win that just misses and Callahan can be heard screaming, “C’mon, baby!  C’mon, babbyyyyyyyy!”  while the kick is in the air.  In a related near-tragedy, a young Nebraska fan named Chris Hatch very nearly has an aneurysm while driving his car, due to the near-miss, and Callahan very nearly has more blood on his hands.  Word quickly spreads that Callahan often plays bridge with Ball State Coach Brady Hoke’s mother-in-law’s sister’s babysitter’s Aunt.  His connections leave Callahan emotionally conflicted but, nevertheless, he escapes with a win.

-  October 6 – November 3, 2007                    Opponents: 226 Nebraska: 98

In an effort to destroy Nebraska football once and for all, Callahan hires an impersonator and fellow con artist by the name of Rod Blagojevich to coach the team.

During this time period he goes deep undercover and works as a grad assistant for each of the five schools that beat Nebraska during this time period.  Going by the name, Cill Ballahan, he not only aids and abets the Viking-raider style pillaging of Nebraska’s dignity, but he also illegally finances Blagojevich’s seedy political ambitions.  In a move that he doesn’t see coming, however, Blagojevich flips the script and hangs 73 points on  K-State.

Getting cockier by the day, Blagojevich abandons the team and heads off to the political world, forcing Callahan to re-take the reins.

-  November 23, 2007                    Colorado: 65 Nebraska: 51

Callahan spends the entirety of the pre-game week smoking highly potent marijuana in the team meetings and mangling the lyrics to “Rocky Mountain Way.”  He petitions the NCAA for a final game, in an ill-fated attempt to start at quarterback for Nebraska but is denied.  On Thanksgiving night, the day before the game, Callahan requires his entire team to run stairs at altitude for being, “Buzz kills” while he plays hackey sack with Dan Hawkins.

His team becomes suspicious that the two might be secretly best bros when Callahan and Hawkins can be seen showing off their matching friendship bracelets and singing a duet of “I’m All Out of Love” by Air Supply.

Steve Pedersen is fired and Callahan’s demise is finally sealed as Tom Osborne rides in on a snowy white stallion, walks across water that consequently turns to wine, and boots him out onto the cold hard pavement.

But those are just some theories I have.

FIN