Last night the Cleveland Cavaliers landed the 1st overall selection in the NBA draft. Again.
I know what you’re saying to yourself: how in the hell is this possible? Is this some kind of weird, elaborate Jimmy Kimmell prank? How is it even remotely conceivable that I can be uttering the words, “Man, Cleveland is so lucky”?
Let’s be honest, the only thing less likely than the Cavs snagging the first place in line in the Wiggins/Jabari Parker/Embiid sweepstakes is a musical about Jesus that stars JC Chasez, a dude from Incubus, and the least-cool person from Destiny’s Child.
(*Author’s note: okay, bad example.)
But it happened.
What we need to try to do is find out why? Was it dumb luck? Sabermetrics getting imploded, like an old sports stadium, before our very eyes? Or was there something else going on?
Here are five ideas on how the Cavs may have gotten another shot at first-pick redemption.
1. Let’s start with the obvious. Dan Gilbert has taken out a second mortgage on his soul and this little personal re-financing is being handled directly by the Devil. It just makes too much sense. Does the Devil love bow ties, slicked back hair and mortgage lenders? Do I even need to answer that? Does he like to meddle in desperate moments being handled by desperate men? Yup. I mean, hell, I would bet even the Devil felt a little guilty about how badly his last soul-purchase from Gilbert went (See: Bennett, Anthony). My first guess on how this happened? He gave Mr. Gilbert a Satanic Mulligan.
2. Adam Silver is angling for a cameo in the next Uncle Drew ad as Uncle Drew’s zany lawyer friend “Litigation Larry.” When he realized all he had to do was rig the draft lottery to get Kyrie a little help, he was all in.
3. Johnny Manziel sent a text message to the Ping Pong balls telling them he wanted to see Cleveland tear up the league this year.
4. And now, an excerpt from Adam Silver’s conversation with his mentor David Stern during last night’s draft:
Silver: “Whoa. Déjà vu.”
Everyone around both men freeze right in their tracks, Stern pauses in mid-bite of a pig in a blanket.
Stern: “What did you just say?”
Silver: “Nothing. Just had a little déjà vu.”
Stern: “What happened?”
Silver: “A draft lottery just happened, and then another that looked just like it.”
Stern: “How much like it? Was it the same draft?”
Silver: “It might have been. I’m not sure.”
Stern: “A déjà vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix. It happens when they don’t change anything.”
5. Deep in the bowels of the Illuminati-controlled Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, there is a secret sect that exists for one purpose and one purpose only: complete and utter domination of the human race. They plan on using their fiendish influence to bring in a human specimen for bio-genetic mutation experimentation. But they need someone strong. And tall. And fast. They need someone of unparalleled athletic ability to withstand the rigors of their mad-scientist plan. They need Andrew Wiggins. Tapping into their resources they were able to get the NBA Draft lottery rigged, landing their hometown franchise the first overall pick and thereby triggering the first in a series of events that could tear apart the fabric of all humanity.
But unbeknownst to them there is one man who can break into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, decipher the invisible runes buried in the inner stitching of John Lennon’s Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band jacket and bring down this evil ring of vicious miscreants. That man? I think you already know who he is.