Chris Bosh is the 3rd wheel. He’s the single friend that somehow gets dragged along to The Lucky One and ends up sitting two seats over munching balefully on his popcorn while trying not to hear his companions making out. LeBron and Dwyane Wade are the ones making out in this scenario. Figuratively, of course.
Bosh is the guy who’s least debated, least celebrated, and would definitely be the Ringo Starr of the self-proclaimed “Heatles.” But there is one place that Chris Bosh is the belle of the ball, however: the internet. Bosh moves from the peripheries of sight, working as a very accomplished bit player, to stage center right up in the front with a glaring spotlight shining on him.
Could it be his strange on-court demeanor? Seemingly laid back despite his various attempts to hood himself up, opening his mouth into strange Edvard Munch-ian screams. (*Author’s note: Munch’s most famous piece recently sold for $119.9 Million. Or, roughly how much LeBron lost in advertisement deals by doing “The Decision.)
Could it be the fact that he has reportedly been spotted, GASP!, reading books before the Heat’s games? (*Author’s note: I’m a little hazy on the actual details of these reports but I recall hearing tales of Bosh’s indulgence in the Twilight series. This detail, if actually true, seems like it would be far more damaging to a team’s collective psyche than finding out that — and this instance is purely a figment of my overactive imagination — say, one player was having an affair with another player’s mother.)
After all, arguably the most intimidating players in the league can barely read. Kevin Garnett messed up his own shoe deals’ slogan and Derrick Rose just paid some other kid to take his SAT for him so he could get into the prestigious institute of learning that is. . .wait for it. . . Memphis.
It could be the fact that Bosh himself looks so much like a Raptor that when he played in Toronto (*Author’s note: where the team name is, ironically, The Raptors) people could be heard murmuring in the stands, “Damn, that mascot can really hoop!” This final theory, which just so happens to be my personal favorite is what has elevated Bosh’s internet stardom to nearly that of his purse-carrying, male-model-wanna-be-ing counterparts.
Every time I watch the Heat play, and I’m completely out of variations on the F-word to scream at LeBron I find myself watching Bosh Jurassic Park his way up and down the court. When he gets the ball at the top of the key, with no one guarding him I find I usually end up screaming this:
When explaining Bosh’s career, which is a very strange one, albeit far from over, I will more than likely do so to my young by printing off this monologue and reciting it line for line:
All of these things have propelled Bosh into the public forum, but where he has really come into his own recently has been in the GIF world. Which is really just a nerdy alternate universe for internet obsessed types who spend hours dicking around online in an effort to get a laugh. Bosh may be an NBA All-Star, but he’s a GIF HOF’er.
Here’s the best of the best of the Chris Bosh GIFs, feel free to submit your own.
In this one, which we will tentatively award the Bronze medal, Bosh decides that he’s been compared to a Velociraptor enough and throws his hat into the ring in the “Geico Impersonating World Championships.” He does look like he is about to snatch a fly out the air like a reptilian version of Mr. Miyagi.
In this GIF, Bosh pops out of nowhere to invade a LeBron James interview. Stealthily sneaking into the bottom of the frame the sneak-thieving Bosh appears with sudden, raptor-like viciousness to try to steal away the camera from LeBron. LeBron, who in recent years has shied away from the spotlight like a criminal making a break for the fence at a maximum security prison, was heard saying after Bosh’s guest appearance that, “They should all be destroyed.” It was unconfirmed as to whether he was talking about the people of Cleveland or a pack of dinosaurs brought back from the Cretaceous period.
And here would have to be my number one Chris Bosh GIF of all time. This is the gold medal winner, the piece de resistance of Bosh somehow managing to make a fool of himself despite being a world-class athlete and, from all accounts, a pretty good dude. I know I called him a Velociraptor for about 550 words of this post, but in this GIF Bosh makes sure we all know that, if we’re going to be accurate with our species designation, he’s actually more of a Dilophosaurus, or ”Spitter.”
(*Author’s note: After shattering box office records around the world, the movie The Avengers has continued to garner millions of dollars and rave reviews. **SPOILER ALERT** Bosh has a scene-stealing cameo.)