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Posts Tagged ‘Burnpoetry’
Lionel Hollins Went to Jerryd. And, No, That’s Not Spelled Wrong.
Posted: May 22, 2013 in Burnvisuals, SportsTags: Burnpoetry, Comedy, He went to Jerryd, Humor, Jerryd Bayless, NBA, NBA Playoffs, Spurs VS Grizzlies, Western Conference Finals
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Orange County Police Hold Press Conference to Announce That They Haven’t Arrested Titus Young in Over 168 Hours
Posted: May 22, 2013 in SportsTags: Burnpoetry, Comedy, Football, Humor, NFL, Sports, Titus Young, Titus Young Arrested
After former NFL wide receiver Titus Young was arrested for the third time in two days, on May 12th 2013, local law enforcement in Orange County were put on high alert. Following a brief period of time in which he wasn’t arrested, they held a news conference to try to quell any public outrage.
“We are pleased to announce that, as a department, we have not arrested Titus Young in nearly 170 hours.” The Sheriff’s office announced in a press conference on Tuesday afternoon in a statement was met with wild applause by Titus Young’s mother and his agent who had, presumably, snuck into the back of the conference.
“We called you all here today, because we truly believe that this period of un-arrest merits a congratulatory period at our offices. Each of our officers who haven’t had to arrest Titus Young have been formally reprimanded for their oversight in this matter and we know that, while this is truly a momentous moment for our department, he’s probably out somewhere doing something illegal. As such, we are going to be waiting an additional 48-72 hours before disbanding our newly formed ‘Titus Task Force’ and before no longer requiring our officers to run two warmup laps and perform group stretches on the departmental track before starting their shifts.”
“Frankly,” the Sheriff’s office continued, “we thought Titus might be going for the record.”
“The Record” that they were referring to was once held by local miscreant, and noted convict, Tim ‘Skeezy’ Skagnetti, who was once arrested four times in two days.
While the Sheriff”s office was initially unclear on the charges that might be awaiting Young, they shed some light on that as well, during their brief time in front of the media.
“What we’re looking at charging Mr. Young with, now, would be 10-12 years for aggravated idiocy; a charge that was created by our legal team on the spot, since there was literally no precedent for such moronic behavior.”
When pressed for further details about what it may have looked like when Young attempted to steal his car back from the police impound lot the spokesperson merely stood off to one side and rolled this mysterious footage.
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Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore Art Thou Romeo? Doing an Interview with Burnpoetry, That’s Where. . .
Posted: May 21, 2013 in SportsTags: Burnpoetry, Comedy, Fake Interviews, Football, Humor, NFL, Romeo Crennel, Shakespeare, Sports
Former Chiefs coach and noted romantic, Romeo Crennel, has accepted the head coaching position for the Mantua Manglers of the OOIFL (Other, Other, Indoor Football League). Crennel, recently exiled to Mantua after running afoul of the Prince of Kansas City didn’t take long before he was taking a new job. He was kind enough to sit down with me for a recent interview in which we cleared the air, talked a little about his current gig, and touched on his ill-fated time as the star cross’d coach of the Chiefs.
Chris Hatch: Thanks for joining me, Romeo. Tough break, getting the Golden Axe in Kansas City. How’re you holding up?
Romeo: Ay, me. Sad hours seem long.
CH: What sadness lengthens Romeo’s hours?
Romeo: Not having that, which, having, makes them short?
CH: In a job?
Romeo: Out.
CH: A job?
Romeo: Of a job. In a place with the best barbecue ribs in the country.
CH: Damn it, now you’re making me sad. Let’s keep it together here, Romeo. What about life here in Mantua? It doesn’t seem so bad. I mean, they’ve got a Sizzler, a Carl’s Junior, a 2-Screen Movie theatre. You’ll forget about KC soon enough, right?
Romeo: O, teach me how I should forget to think?
CH: Let’s talk about some of the positives. The Manglers are stacked. They’re coming off an 8-2 season last year and they were in the OOIFL’s championship game. And what about your Quarterback? Tim Dickinson was the MVP last year. What can you say about his performance thus far?
Romeo: O, he doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems he hangs upon the cheek of night Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope’s ear.
CH: Umm. . .that’s high praise. I think. See things don’t sound so bad here. Shoot me straight, though, Romeo. Some people are saying that you’re not cut out for a head coaching gig in the NFL. They see that you failed in KC. And you also had a pretty rough stint in Cleveland–
Romeo: They jest at scars that never felt a wound.
CH: But, you know. . .Cleveland’s always in a pretty rough spot. What if they wanted you back in some capacity?
Romeo: Tempt not a desperate man.
CH: Yeah, you’re right. That probably wasn’t cool of me. Listen, though, man. I’ve brought a peace offering. I spoke with our mutual friend Bill Belichik and he asked me to drop off a copy of his playbook from the 2000 season when you guys were working together in New England. He thought you could use the help.
Romeo: If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
CH: You’re not going to kiss that playbook are y—and you just did. I guess this is what rock bottom looks like.
Romeo: No. Here’s rock bottom. I’ll give you 10 bucks for a ride to Golden Corral. . .
CH: My poverty, but not my will, consent.
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Breakfast All Day? 3 Sports What-ifs That Mirror McDonalds’ Potentially Dope Decision
Posted: May 20, 2013 in SportsTags: Basketball, Burnpoetry, College Football, Comedy, Football, Humor
At the end of April, a monumental moment in human history occurred. It was something important, something game-changing, and something that will have far-reaching ramifications on life for all citizens in these United States of America. Oh, and a basketball player came out of the closet, too.
What I’m referring to, and if you are a devourer of pop culture and useless internet memes run rampant as I am you probably have already heard, is that McDonald’s has announced that there is the potential for the McGriddle to get served all McDamnDay.
That’s right, fellow fatties, McD’s has announced that they’re considering serving their breakfast throughout the course of the entire day. That chilled out, laid back cacophany of, “Sweet, bro”s you just heard was the sound of 10 million stoners climbing out from the basements, strapping on a hemp jacket and skate-boarding their way towards the fast food mecca right now just in case they change their minds and you can score some hotcakes at 3:30 PM.
This reversal of the age-old McDonald’s logic that stipulated that breakfast was only to be available during the morning hours got me to wondering, what would the sporting equivalent of this time-oriented reversal of philosophy be? Let’s sit down, have an imaginary (*Author’s note: but delicious) mid-afternoon Egg McMuffin and ask three questions that are weird, intriguing, and will absolutely, positively never happen.
What if the NBA was played in the morning?
Can you imagine the horror of watching a hung-over Boogie Cousins take on an exhausted-from-clubbing-with-Jay-Z Carmelo Anthony at 8:15 AM? I’m not sure if that would be awful. Or awesome. Or awesomely awful? One thing is for sure, it would revolutionize the way the game was played. Vendors would be forced to serve waffles instead of hot dogs and even the “City That Never Sleeps” would probably end up passed out courtside from exhaustion.
The only people who should play basketball before noon are kids wearing generic league t-shirts and the old, hairy-backed dudes in rec-specs and cotton shorts playing at the local YWCA.
The promotional tie-ins with Red Bull replacing the Gatorade in the teams’ coolers wouldn’t be worth the fact that the performance enhancing drugs would suddenly just be replaced with piles of morning blow to start off the day. Just know that the first time ESPN had a 1080p closeup of Andrew Bynum upchucking at center court after a night spent galavanting at the Playboy Mansion and the NBA would probably consider moving games right back to the evening like they should.
What if baseball was played in the winter?
Baseball has long been a spring/summer/early fall sport. It’s so long that the only months it doesn’t play in are the winter ones. But what if that changed? What if, instead of starting in April like they have for decade upon decade, Major League Baseball started in January?
It’s already awesome when we’re treated to either early-season or October playoff snow-games, but how great would it be to see them all the time? How awesome would it be to watch baseball players sliding in the snow like kindergartners in snow pants. No need to worry about pitchers illegally adding moisture to the ball when their hands are covered in flakes. Plus? Snowball fights. Bench clearing brawls mixed with slush balls, mixed with potential skiing hazards? Listening to Joe Buck try to figure out whether there’s a player running the bases or just doing Moguls? Why am I asking so many questions? Your move Bud Selig.
What if they played football at midnight?
Let me set the stage. It’s September 7th, 2013. It’s 11:55 PM in Lincoln, Nebraska. The heat from the Midwest dog days is only now starting to unclench it’s white-knuckled fist. The lights are on at Memorial Stadium. 89,000 people have packed the stands. They’ve been drinking. All day. The football season is finally here and they are about to take part in the inaugural Midnight Mayhem Football Game of the Week on HBO. There’s something different about the Midnight game the fans are about to watch. Tougher, more exciting. Badass. It’s an electric, outdoor, party that avoids the heat of the day, and causes a media sensation.
Once a week, have HBO pick a college game, throw their gigantic checkbook behind the production, and have them televise a rabble-rousing, Adult-version of the game of college football. Since it’s HBO, all rules would be off. They could make it a rebellious, fascinating, take on the game. Have Kevin Hart do the color commentary, have Norm McDonald as the sideline reporter. Who wouldn’t love it? (*Author’s note: besides the coaches) The students? They’d liquor up all day and it would immediately turn into the best party of the year; a hybrid combo of Midnight Madness and tailgate Saturdays The players? They get to sleep in, hang out during the hot part of the day, and break new ground on something that felt rebellious and untouchably cool. The athletic department could cash in on the massive amount of cash that could be behind grabbing this wild opportunity.
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5 Ways (Other Than Cash) Chris Hansen Could’ve Convinced the NBA to Move The Kings to Seattle
Posted: May 17, 2013 in SportsTags: Basketball, Burnpoetry, Comedy, Humor, NBA, Sacramento Kings, Seattle Gets Denied, Seattle Supersonics, Sports
On May 15th the NBA rejected a group of investors’ bid to move the Sacramento Kings to Seattle, Washington, the home of the one-time Seattle Supersonics. The team, the league’s Board of Governors (*Author’s note: this is the part where I started imagining Marc Cuban wearing a powdered wig and shouting out “Nay, good sir! Nay!” during an antiquated voting scenario. Board of Governors? They shouldn’t be allowed have such an awesomely old school name without wearing black robes and wigs worn by the Whigs. Your move, David Stern.) ruled on Wednesday, would be staying right where they are.
This comes on the heels of the Seattle group’s latest attempts to woo the oft-times waffling Maloof brothers, the current owners of the Kings, with another fat valuation increase that saw the potential northern invaders offering up an additional 50 million in cash for the team; a kind of financial middle finger to the league for rejecting their initial proposal. A kind of, “oh, you don’t think we want the team bad enough? He’s another 50 large to calm your nerves.” Or as Chris Rock playing a the ghost of a black guy trapped inside a living white guy’s body once said, “Shut up before I crush you with my wallet.”
So why did the NBA reject the offer from the Seattle investors? It certainly wasn’t money. Maybe it was something else. Something less in the public eye. After all, the cliché mongers say, it’s the little things that count, right?
That got me thinking. What could the Seattle billionaires have done differently? What could they have used to sweeten the pot, to entice the all-powerful Board of Governors to appease their request and return a franchise to the once-great basketball city of Seattle? Here’s a few ideas that I firmly believe would have let the Board of Governors know they really meant business. Had they utilized these options, I think we’d be discussing what to call the newly purchased Seattle Kingersonics and talking about the ramifications of another team headed further north on the west coast.
1. Make every night a Detlef Schrempf bobblehead night.
Say his name. Go ahead. Try it. You’ll sound like Elmer Fudd after his fourth keg stand. That name will gloriously roll off your lisping lips and crash-land onto someone’s ears with all the grace of a Kamikaze airplane. Detlef needs to be remembered. Not for the 13.9 career scoring average, or even his delectable cocktail of ‘80s hair (*Author’s note: Two shots flat-top, one shot military buzzcut, two shots mullet. Mix in a blender and pour over goofy whiteness. Enjoy!). No, Detlef needs to be remembered as a Seattle Supersonic. A team and a place where a guy who looks like this can get his own Taco Trading card. (*Author’s note: how did I NOT know there were taco trading cards?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)
2. Get Sir Mix-a-Lot on board as a minority owner.
(*Author’s note: no, not that kind of minority. Racists.)
Seattle doesn’t have much of a hip-hop past. I checked Wikepedia and there really wasn’t much. So who should the Seattle investors have rolled out as their rap-game mogul that wanted in on the action? Look no further than Mix-a-Lot. Yeah, I understand we’re all completely sick to death of hearing morons do karaoke impressions of “Baby Got Back.” But Sir Mix-a-Lot had a ton of other hits, right? Right?!?! Well I still love this song, and besides, who can’t picture Boogie Cousins, Jimmer Fredette, and John Salmons all doing the “jump on it” dance at the start of the second half?
3. Hire Shawn Kemp as the team life coach. Then have the team do the exact opposite of everything he tells them.
The team could air these little segments called, “It’s Reigning Men”, on the team’s big screen during halftime of the games. Who could say no to that? Plus, Shawn Kemps 18 kids need the money. Here’s one guy who we know not only had a taco trading card, he probably used that taco trading card to buy a few 6 Pack and 6 Pounds meals.
4. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice, I’ve said it fiftyleven times. Get Phil Jackson on board with the team in some capacity.
How hard could it be to get Phil, his bong, and his motorcycle collection to a place that has legalized weed, a salivating (*Author’s note: or on Salvia) fan base and long stretches of isolated coastline to ride on? He’d be in faster than you could hotbox a hookah tent.
5. And speaking of legalized marijuana. . .
Pot brownie concession stands. Think of all the revenue that would generate? Sure it’s a nightmare for the league’s image. Sure Boogie Cousins would be spotted during 30-second timeouts hammering down a gigantic brownie loaded with canibus, but if you think people spend a lot of money at the concession stand now? Wait until they’ve gotten stricken with the munchies and their team is down 23 in the 4th quarter.
In short, the Seattle guys totally botched this one. Thankfully, in about 15 minutes the Pelicans, Bobcats, and any other terribly-run organization will probably be looking to pack up and ship out. Hold onto your money, boys. And next time, call me when you’re getting ready to do the negotiations.
FIN
Confused Chip Kelly, Stunned by Media Scrutiny of Hot Dog Eating Contest
Posted: May 16, 2013 in SportsTags: Burnpoetry, Chip Kelly, Comedy, Humor, NFL, Quickburns, Sports
Chip Kelly has gained notoriety in recent days by doing away with the Eagles’ now infamous “Taco Tuesdays” and “Fast Food Fridays” that were staples under head coach Andy Reid’s tenure.
However, the coach was unprepared for the media firestorm that he would face after announcing that they would be having a “Dogfight Friday” this week.
“Wow, there’s a lot of media here,” a confused Kelly said during his daily post-practice press conference with the media. ”You guys must like hot dogs, huh?”
Seated between two “fighting ‘dog” trophies Kelly went on to explain his philosophy behind the so-called “Dog Fight Fridays” and why he thought that having a team-wide hot dog eating contest would be a great bonding experience for players that were new to his coaching philosophy.
“After all,” Coach Kelly quipped, “it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog. . .in the bun! Am I right?!? Am I right?!?” He asked a dumbfounded crowd.
His consternation continued, as he noticed the size of the media presence before him. ”I can’t really believe this is such a national story. We’re just having a good, ‘ole fashion, dogfight. You know, Dog versus Dog to the bitter end. With a little ketchup, of course.”
At that point during the press conference an Eagles staff member rushed up to the podium and seen whispering something into Kelly’s ear.
“Oh, dear GOD!” The new coach could be heard exclaiming. ”Someone go find me Michael. Quick.”
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The Place Beyond the Pine Tar: Starring Ryan Gosling and George Brett
Posted: May 15, 2013 in Burnvisuals, Pop Culture, SportsTags: Burnpoetry, Comedy, Fake Movie Posters, George Brett, George Brett Pine Tar, Humor, Pop Culture, Ryan Gosling, Sports, The Place Beyond the Pine Tar
When one tatted up dreamboat decides to eject the wrong guy from a baseball game due to too much Pine Tar on his bat, world’s collide, lives crumble, and Ryan Gosling moodily smokes a bunch of cigarettes.
And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out this little gem.
FIN
#Hateralert: NCAA bans hashtags, Burnpoetry delves deep into the rulebook
Posted: May 14, 2013 in SportsTags: Burnpoetry, Comedy, Humor, NCAA Bans Hashtags, NCAA Rules, Satire, Sports
On May 1, 2013 the news struck like a trending fake-death of Justin Bieber. It ran rampant like a #throwbackthursday and was all over the internet like it was #ff. The NCAA was banning hashtags from the football fields of colleges and universities across the nation. What a bunch of #haters. The bulletin, sent out by the NCAA Rules Committee, essentially read: “blah-blah-blah-blabbity-bloobity, no hashtags” as illustrated by this very important looking image below.
Now, you may be a part of the social media backlash against the NCAA and their 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rules and their $5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 that they make off of the athletes that compete under their dictatorship, but there are some pretty important, pretty logical rules buried deep within the musty tomes of The Rulebook (*Author’s note: They would’ve made it look more important, but the guys in charge only know how to use Ctrl B, U, and I.)
While this latest desperate attempt to over-legislate the living hell out of the sporting world has garnered a lot of attention, here are some of the lesser known – but equally vital to the survival of college athletics and the continuation of the most sacred and holy of all “isms”, amateurism – rules that exist deep within that holy text. . .The Rulebook.
(Rule 2-3-2-1-F)
If any athlete is to get laid purely based on the fact that they are competing as a scholarship-level athlete, then they must give at least 45% of the ensuing props to the NCAA. This is to include any “bro-high-fiving”, “reverse-walk-of-shaming” back across campus, and/or bemused smirking in the 5th row of Comm. 212. The NCAA will not, however, be held responsible for any “walk-of-shame-ing”, awkwardly ignored text messaging, and/or disgusted, disappointed head shaking in the 5th row of Comm. 212.
(Rule 1-3-1-1-9.2-B)
Thou shalt be broke as a joke, drinking Diet Coke. However, all proceeds from any subsequent Diet Coke endorsement contracts will be subject to NCAA’s 100% fiduciary practices.
(Rule 6-4-1-7)
If any athlete engages in social media interactions on Facebook, they must accept any “friend” request from NCAA President Mark Emmert. Failure to do so will result in immediate expulsion from NCAA competition and/or repeated poking from said president.
(Rule 4-3-5-8-1-J)
If an athlete should sneeze while facing North-Northeast during a full moon, it is absolutely imperative that they throw a handful of salt over their left shoulder while chanting the following NCAA-approved message, “Oh holiest of holy, oh NCAA divine, I only bear the greatest love for you, and yours, and thine.” This will continue to ward off the evil spirits of professionalism, will keep bloodthirsty, diabolical agents at bay and will also protect against witches (*Author’s note: which is a legitimate problem in the NCAA these days.)
(Rule 5-5-7-0)
If, at any point, an athlete is deemed “too cool for school” the NCAA has the right to step in and force that student to attend lectures, on-campus meetings. You know, because that stuff is, like, super-important.
(Rule 1-1-4-H-$)
If, during the course of the year, the NCAA’s fingers get really tired of counting all of their money, they are allowed to use up to $300 Million of their funds to hire females dressed in school girl outfits to come in and count for them.
(Rule 2-6-9-W)
Any athlete seen gaining an unfair advantage while waiting in line for an event (i.e. a nightclub, a school function, etc.) that attempts to cut in line, based upon their status as an athlete will be subjected to the “No Cuts, No Buts, No Coconuts” clause in their NCAA-developed scholarship. Said athlete will be forced to go back to line and try it again.
(Rule 9-9-9-9-9-9.9-Z)
Since we’re sure no one has read this far in, we just want to take this opportunity to say. . .suck it. BWAHAHAHA. No, seriously. Suck it.
(Rule 3-2-3-3)
If an athlete is caught with any controlled substance, the NCAA will have the primary confiscation rights to those items. They will be signed into the main offices where they will be thoroughly tested by NCAA staff. Strictly for, uh, investigative purposes.
(Rule 8-7-2-V)
If you are cool enough to have a sweet nickname, the NCAA reserves the right to crap all over it, rain on your parade, and not let you profit from it one bit. However, should the universities that you attend give us a fat cut of the profit they will make by marketing your likeness, we will pretend like that is completely okay.
FIN
Bolivian: Starring Tom Cruise and Mike Tyson
Posted: May 13, 2013 in BurnvisualsTags: Burnpoetry, Comedy, Fade Into Bolivian, Fake Movie Posters, Humor, Mike Tyson, Movies, Oblivion, Pop Culture, Tom Cruise
Anyone else think this would be a much better movie? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Check out this gem.
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In Case You Were Wondering What Perv-Shaq Looks Like, Here’s a GIF of Him Creepily Hitting on Skylar Diggins
Posted: May 3, 2013 in Burnvisuals, SportsTags: Burnpoetry, Comedy, GIF, Humor, NBA, NBA GIFS, Perv-Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal, Sports
“Call me.” Lick finger. Vomit.
FIN
