Posts Tagged ‘Brett Favre’

Bros Before Pros: The NFL All-Bro Quarterback Team

Posted: January 25, 2012 in Pop Culture, Sports
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I’ve noticed a disturbing trend on sports networks lately.  I’ve seen something disconcerting, creeping onto the sidelines of football games.  It’s the Bros.  With a capital “B.”  They’re everywhere. 

They’ve seeped into the sporting world like a chemical leak seeping into a town water supply.  I’m worried that this could go viral.  And I’m not talking about the new definition of viral. (*Author’s note: Viral: a way for talentless, inane fools to become famous for half of fifteen minutes by spreading their lackluster faces all over Youtube.  See also: Rebecca Black.)  I’m talking about legitimate 28 Days Later hordes of bloodthirsty, sprinting, pastie monsters viral.

The Bro, you see, isn’t just any guy.  He’s that guy.  The one who wears big, white-framed sunglasses at night-time.  Rocks a polo under a polo and uses more gel than Dr. Scholl’s inserts.  A guy so devoted to high-fiving he’d impale his hand on Captain Hook’s namesake just to show his enthusiasm.  We all know the guy.  But where the Bro has shockingly made his appearance, where he has deftly matriculated like a secret agent working for MI-6, is onto the football field.

Nowhere is this trend more apparent that at the Quarterback position.  So, without further ado, here’s the 2012 Burnpoetry All-Bro Quarterback team:

Jay Cutler

Bro Codename: Edgar Allan Broe

Who he is at the All-Bro QB Keggar: Edgar Allan Broe’s the surly Bro.  His hair coiffed up, face permanently in a sneering look of derision, Cutler is moodier than a Drake album.  If you’re looking for Broe, he’ll be the one who jams his faux-hemp beanie on, even though it’s 60 degrees outside, and heads to the fringe of the party to broodingly smoke an expensive cigarette.

Matthew Stafford

Bro Codename: Bro-Hairmian Rhapsody

Who he is at the All-Bro QB Keggar:  Bro-Harimian Rhapsody is the Bro at the party whose wallet is almost as fat as his face.  Inevitably rocking an argyle sweater, boat shoes, and potentially an arm band (*Author’s note: why, you ask?  A true Bro asks, “why not.”), Rhapsody jovially makes sure everyone can see his 3 credit cards and wad of 20s each time he “accidentally” gets out his wallet.  Watch out, though, because it’s not just his pride that’s easily injured.  He can just as easily blow out a shoulder as blow-dry his hair.  If you’re looking for him at the keggar, he’ll be at the beer pong table, going deep.

Matt Leinart

Bro Codename: Stubble Trouble

Who he is at the All-Bro QB Keggar: He’s the bro who’s in the Hot tub. . .with a group of chicks.  This Bro, who discards razors almost as fast as he discards babes, just can’t help himself around a hot tub.  His ass is usually sore from sitting on the cold, steel bench for so long that a good soak, a cold brew, and two ladies who’re “18, right?” are just what the doctor ordered.  He’s the Bro whose 5 o’clock shadow is at 6:30 PM at all times and whose rugged, thrown together look was accomplished in a mere 48 minutes of man-scaping.

Tony Romo

Bro Codename: (Obviously) Tony Bromo

Who he is at the All-Bro QB Keggar: Aww, shucks.  He’s just hanging out with his Bros.  Just being a chill, average dude.  Bromo is the Bro who is grinning ear to ear with dimples that can only be described as devastating.  What’s he so happy about?  You’d be smiling, too, if you were high as shit on Crest Whitening strips.  Romo is the guy who keeps demanding “Friends in Low Places” be played at maximum volume and when it does he knows half the words but sings the other 50% with just enough confidence that all the ladies still love it. 

If you’re looking for Bromo, he’ll be the one with his red Solo cup in the air shouting out, “Led Zeppelin!!!!” even though he can only name Stairway to Heaven.  He and his Bro, Matt Leinart, practice their un-shaving together and both are recent graduates from the George Clooney School of Stubblety where they studied under headmaster Brett Favre.

Next time you’re watching a football game and the QB pulls off his helmet to reveal that his hair belongs on one of the Beatles and you know that his wallet belongs to one of the Heatles, remember the call of the young, business Brofessional: Bros Before Pros!

FIN

Super Bowl Preview: Oscar Style

Posted: February 5, 2011 in Pop Culture, Sports
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The Super Bowl is on its way.  That much you clearly already know.  In fact, everyone on the planet probably knows.  Although the Egyptians have been kind of busy lately.  That, however, is another story altogether.

The Oscars are also rapidly approaching.  The building hype for one of my favorite entertainment nights along with one of the best sports nights has led me to wonder: how can I combine the two?

Here are some Oscar-themed plot-lines to keep your eyes on during tomorrow’s big game.

Ben Roethlisberger: The “Black Swan”, Except Hairier

Roethlisberger is a good QB.  That much is clear, based on his previous two super bowl rings and his numerous accolades as a player.  He seems to be a leader, more-or-less respected by his teammates, and steps up big time during the clutch moments of the game when many other QB’s wither.  He’s basically the white swan.  He’s Natalie Portman plus about 150 pounds and a serious beard.

Off the field, however, he’s turned into the black swan.  He’s this creepy, perv-job of a man who rides motorcycles without helmets, rolls with an entourage that makes the actual characters of “Entourage” seem tame, and did some pretty dirty stuff in a pretty dirty place.  Put on enough eye-black and Big Ben bears an uncanny resemblance to the bizarro-Portman of cinematic fame.

Will Big Ben play like the white swan, gracefully pirouetting away from tacklers and saying all the right things in both victory and defeat?  Or will he play like the black swan, binge drinking with his o-lineman in a piano bar and trying to do too much on the field?

Will Mike Tomlin Continue to be the Mark Zuckerberg ( “Social Network”s Main Character) of Coaching?

In “The Social Network,” we are shown the creation of a revolutionary, insanely fast-moving man whose innovation and creativity have led him quickly to a life atop the heap of internet stardom.  While Tomlin is not nearly as caustic and abrasive as Zuckerberg’s character, he is also immensely talented and successful at an early age.

While Zuckerberg would probably crap his pants at the intensity of such a dignified and bad-ass like Tomlin, the two share their precociousness and singular drive and focus that has granted them both so much in their chosen fields.

Will Aaron Rodgers Display “True Grit” in Leading His Team?

Rodgers, who has been knocked by many as not being a “winner” in the past has a chance to show his mettle in the upcoming Super Bowl.  While the Steelers’ Bret Keisel has the beard that most closely resembles that of “True Grit”s lead character Rooster Cogburn, it will be on Rodgers to try to match his intensity.

In “True Grit” a young, relatively unproven young girl seeks vengeance on the man who murdered her father.  Despite her relative inexperience in the ways of the wild west she helps inspire the veterans around her with courage and passion that belies her lack of years.  Rodgers will have to do the same.

Favre is that old gunslinger that shot the Packers in cold blood and then headed for the border.  Rodgers will be pursuing vengeance and looking to leave his own mark on society.  I know, it’s not that flattering on paper to compare any 20-something athlete in he prime of his career to a young girl but if you’ve seen the movie you get it.

Packers’ Offense Against the Steelers’ Vaunted Defense: “Inception.”

The Packers have an explosive, mind-bending spread offense attack.  With more talented wide receivers than most offensive coordinators could dream of, even a legend like Dick LeBeau might feel as though Leo DiCaprio and Co. broke into his dreams and gave him nightmarish visions of Greg Jennings going deep.

However, the Steelers’ violent, smashmouth defense may leave the Packers’ offensive staff with their heads spinning like one of those weird little tops that somehow help DiCaprio and his crew sneak into your minds.

It will be a great matchup of two teams at the height of their prowesses and could be enough to have people feel like their world is rapidly being folded in on itself like a collapsing dream.  Intense, right?

The Halftime Show Will Feel Like it Lasts “127 Hours.”

I’d rather saw my arm off with a rusty pen-knife than watch the Black Eyed Peas dance around stage in ridiculous costumes that look like they were designed to be a part of “Rue Paul’s Drag Race” and give the entire rap genre a bad name.

FIN

Sub-Par Bowl: 10 Ways to Make the Pro Bowl Better

Posted: January 26, 2011 in Sports
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It’s that time of year.  Everyone is starting to get the hype machine rolling once more for the upcoming battle that will be Super Bowl XLV.

However, before we get to the Super Bowl we are now subjected to the Sub-Par bowl, which is popularly referred to as The Pro Bowl.  Although to be honest, most of the time it’s not referred to at all.  And it’s hardly popular.

The Pro Bowl – long-suffering in the ratings game, is the NFL’s version of the show “Joey” that bombed so stupendously in the mid-2000′s, has gotten none of the usual rave-reviews and high ratings that the NFL is used to.  So they changed things around.  Placing the Pro Bowl in the week prior to the Super Bowl the NFL hoped it would revitalize a particularly tired all-star game.  They were wrong.  It still sucks.

Now that I’ve gotten all that griping out of the way, here are 10 ways the Pro Bowl could be improved:

#1.  Have it Announced by Homeless Guy from Cleveland

And not the good homeless dude from Cleveland, either.  I mean just a random homeless dude from Cleveland.  Get him a fifth of cheap-as-dirt vodka, a microphone and stick Joe Buck into the booth with him.  Hell, he couldn’t be much worse than working with Tony Siragusa as a sideline reporter.

I can only imagine the look on Buck’s spray-tanned face when his color commentator attempts to pronounce Ndamukong Suh’s name with a mouthful of Barton’s.

#2.  Make a Backup QB play with a strained MCL

There has been a great deal of debate about Jay Cutler’s knee injury in the NFC championship game.  Was it a serious problem?  Or was it an “injury?”

While Cutler stewed on the bench, looking like a frat boy who had just found out his keg was tapped, his toughness was questioned repeatedly by former and current players.

So let’s settle it.  Let’s give a massive stipend to a lame duck QB and let him take a hammer to the knee and step onto the field and see what he’s got.

I personally volunteer Chase Daniels.  And, yes, I also volunteer myself and my hammer.

#3.  Let Players Tweet During the Game

And I don’t just mean let them tweet from the sidelines.  I mean literally let the players tweet while in the game.  Let Philip Rivers tweet from the huddle: @Dwaynebowe go deep man. Bout 2 gt in da ndzone son.  :)   ttyl.

#4.  Make Deion Sanders Wear a Normal Suit While Covering it for NFL Network

Deion normally dresses like a mixture of Craig Sager & Bozo the clown.  Prime Time looks more like he stepped on a land-mine full of ’70s pimp-clothes shrapnel and he was gored by lime, teal, and other citric disasters.

I can only imagine how uncomfortable such a flamboyant d-bag would feel being forced to wear normal clothing.  It would be like making a skateboarder change out of pants that show off his package’s silhouette and into something that has a shred of dignity.

Deion is such a flashy, prima donna that he might simply spontaneously combust in HD.  Now that is something I’d tune in for.

#5.  Dunk Contest on Goalposts

Every year it seems like there’s some current NFL player that is a former basketball player and has taken their freakish size and hops to a whole new level.  I say, let’s take this idea and morph it into a slam dunk contest on the goalposts.

Can’t you just see Julius Peppers getting back to his roots as a North Carolina player and throwing down thunderous jams that nearly tear the goalposts from the ground?  It would be the only time anyone’s cared enough about the Pro Bowl to tear down the goalposts, that much is for sure.

#6.  60 meter dash

It seems that there’s constantly a debate on who the fastest player is in the NFL.  I know that we can look at 40 times, game footage, and in some cases even times run on the track.  But I think that what we need is some closure.

Is Chris Johnson as fast as he looks?  I’d love to watch him sprinting through the night air, dreads flashing like a combination of Lil Wayne and The Predator monster from the movies and having an all-out showdown against Devin Hester, Mike Wallace, and Jamaal Charles.

#7.  4×60 Meter Fat Man Relay

In the same vein as the above-mentioned 60, few things are funnier than watching a fat dude haul ass.  B.J. Raji proved that and more this past weekend as he rumbled into the endzone and onto the richter scale on his way to a touchdown.

I think that what we need is a relay, pitting these goliaths of girth against one another in a short sprint.  Cullen Jenkins, Haloti Ngata, Raji, and Pat Williams would be a great start.

#8.  Have Dog The Bounty Hunter Play 4 Downs as Middle Linebacker

Dog the Bounty hunter is synonymous with Hawaii.  Which sucks for Hawaii, but I think that the least the NFL could do would be to let his old, decrepit ass get out on the field and try to transfer some of that tough guy mentality to the turf.

While the uniforms are usually pretty cool looking, Dog would only play in his patented pleather vest and MP3-equipped sunglasses.  (*Author’s note: Beth could play O-line, potentially, if she wouldn’t be too worried about ruining her 17-inch nails.)

#9.  Have Brett Favre & Jenn Sterger Work Together as a Sideline Reporting Duo

In a game like this, the NFL is inevitably tasked with keeping the watchers interested in their broadcast in other ways.  The football usually isn’t good enough.  So why not pair up the NFL’s latest “odd couple” and turn them into the funniest “odd (due to pending legal investigations into sexting allegations) couple?”

If Favre can’t make it, plan B would definitely be his wife, Deanna Favre, pairing up with Sterger to shatter the on-air record for stony silences and death-lazer-stare-downs.

#10.  Have Shane Lechler Walk to the 50-yard Line. . .

And punt “Papa” John Schnatter square in the jewels.  He deserves to be punished for his horrible ads that we, who watch hours of NFL coverage, are constantly subjected to and this moment alone would triple the watchability of the Pro Bowl.

FIN

Brett Retires Once and For All. . .Or does he?

Posted: January 18, 2011 in Sports
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Brett Favre has finally filed his retirement papers.  After an astounding 20-year-long career that included such prestigious records as: All-Time Passing Yardage, All-Time Touchdown passes thrown, and most times the term “sext” was used when describing anything not involving tweenagers going wild, the “Old Gunslinger” has decided to hang up his Wranglers.

Favre’s career will be remembered for many things. 

He’ll be remembered as a strong-armed, passionate football player who seemed ready to suck every drop of enjoyment that he could out of his 302 game career.  He’ll be remembered for throwing interceptions.  A whole bayou boatload of ‘em. 

He’ll be fondly remembered by the media, who seemed to collectively have a bigger crush on Brett Favre than the hordes of soccer moms that tuned in on Sundays “just to see Brett in those football pants.”

But how will you remember Favre?

A part of me wants to remember Favre from his super bowl win.  Hurling a beautiful, lofting spiral deep to a sprinting Andre Rison on the second play of the game.  Rison was blasting through the night, running like his house was on fire — hmmm. . .maybe a different similie would be better there — and Favre’s throw was nearly flawless. 

And that’s what Favre could be, at times: nearly flawless.  But he always seemed to be an uncut diamond that was the size of your fist.  You knew what was there, how valuable he was, and yet his decisions seemed inherently jagged and as un-smooth as 29 interceptions in a season.

Another part of me wants to remember Favre’s waffling.  His flip-flopping like a soon-to-be-burned-in-effigy politician.  He couldn’t decide whether to walk into the sunset after a great year in Green Bay, and he appeared to not even know which way was West this past off-season as he appeared as decisive about his future career as a 14-year-old girl is when she’s Prom Dress shopping.

Whether Favre discussed his future career with his wife, sexted his options to some unknown mistress who has yet to file suit, or simply spun the magic 8-ball in his local Wal-Mart, he eventually decided to come back and give it one more go.

Favre looked every bit his 41 years of age, this past season.  From his gray-bearded stubble, to his myriad of injuries, the iron-man of the NFL looked to be rusting over before our very eyes. 

Finally, with a painful and under-achieving team gasping for air, Favre’s career came to end.  In fits and jerks, like a car running on fumes, Favre’s legacy ground to a halt.

Make no mistake, Brett Favre’s legacy will get him enshrined in Canton.  His career was nothing if not a tantalizing ride full of loop-the-loops and hairpin turns.  As Brett Favre trotted off the field for the last time he looked like a grizzled, graying vet, part football player and part “Old Man and the Sea.”

Perhaps it’s only fitting that a player who so treasured his “all or nothing” attitude went down with the ship in his final season.

Unless, of course, Favre was just pump-faking one last time before he goes deep with a come back as the Quarterback of my favorite NFL team, the San Francisco Forty Niners.  I, for one, hope he files those papers and does as one Michael W. Tyson once said, “Fades into Bolivia.”

FIN

Intriguing NFL Storylines

Posted: September 9, 2010 in Sports
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On this, the first day of the impending NFL Schedule we find ourselves at a new and exciting precipice: Mondays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays will now be given new meaning.  Football will lend each of these previously ordinary days of the week a more-exciting angle.  Here are some of the intriguing Storylines of the upcoming NFL season.

1.  Can The Saints Repeat?

Conventional wisdom would suggest that the Saints’ road to repeating as champs will be almost as difficult as banning alcohol consumption in New Orleans.  Well, maybe not that hard.  The last team to repeat as Super Bowl Champions was New England in 2004.  However, the Saints bring back an offense that was explosive both through the air and on the ground last season and the core of a more-than-respectable defense.  Darren Sharper’s injury, putting him out of play for the first 6 weeks will hurt some in the Saints’ secondary but look for the champs to play well.

Clearly a lot can happen in the course of a 16-game season, but with Drew Brees at the helm, distributing to his plethora of offensive weapons, the Saints seem poised to stay at or near the top of the NFC.

2.  Can Favre Play at the Same Level in 2010?

I know.  You’re tired of Favre.  I think we all are a little but, damn it, the guy can’t seem to stop being interesting.  Even if you think he’s an ego-maniacal twit with one foot in a nursing home activitites room, which I’m not sure I disagree with, you have to admit he’s captivating television.

Favre, who again “debated” playing this year thereby subjecting us to countless hours of media coverage, has appeared in more grainy, poorly-shot video than bigfoot.  I’ve seen him more mowing his lawn and playing fetch with high school kids more than I’ve seen him play this pre-season.  It seemed that Favre was looking to relieve himself of some of the pressure in a press conference earlier this summer by saying that he doubted he’d have as magical a year as last season.

With Percy Harvin a consistent question mark, whether it be for his headaches or his potential to cheef up like Bob Marley in his spare time, and Sidney Rice out for a good chunk of the season the Old Gunslinger may have had better quality receivers at “Middle of Nowhere High School” than he will in Minneapolis.

3.  Are the Jets the Real Deal?

The Jets have been one of the hottest topics this off-season.  Whether it be for Rex Ryan’s affinity for F-Bombs and jelly-filleds or for all-everything corner Darrelle Revis’ holdout from mini-camp, the Jets have been making headlines.  I, for one, believe that the mass amount of media attention is fairly well merited.

The Jets philosophy resides with playing insatiable defense.  With a hunger that not even their head coach can compete with, they will probably swarm the ball and have a top-5 defense in the league.  With Revis back in the lineup, instead of screaming at old women in Dick’s Sporting Goods commercials, that defense is complete.

The offense is another story entirely.  Mark Sanchez had a few of the rookie doldrums last year.  In fact, as I was painfully aware when I foolishly started him in an early fantasy game, Sanchez sucked last year at times.  He progressed as the season wore on and seems to have focused more on his game this off-season than on posing in GQ magazine.  The run game for the Jets was tops in the league last year and will be good again, with Shonn Greene the focal point of the ground game.

The AFC east is going to be a dog-fight this year.  We’ll see if the Jets make it out alive.

4.  Will the Cowboys Look Good on the Field as Well as On Paper This Year?

The Cowboys franchise for the last few years has been a lot like a too-airbrushed model in a “gentleman’s magazine.”  They look great on paper, then you see them in person and they’re a totally different team, look like they might fall apart if you touch them and make you want to hold up the paper next to them because you feel desperately like you’ve been tricked.  Not only do the Cowboys date these kinds of women, they are their NFL equivalent.

Jerry Jones has pumped so much money into this team that he’s only got a couple million left in his “Emergency Botox fund.”  The stadium has been built, like some garish, modern-day Taj Mahal, and now Dallas will be hosting this season’s Super Bowl.  The pieces of this Domino effect seem to be in place.  Now will Romo and his merry-men be able to finally get to the promised land?

5.  Will Albert Haynesworth Ever Just Close His Buffet-Loving Pie-Hole?

Albert Haynesworth is getting paid to play football.  In fact, he’s getting paid an absurd amount.  And all he’s done so far in this pre-season is fail more conditioning tests than the contestants of “Celebrity Fit Club” combined.  Now, as the time to put up or shut up, Albert has done neither.  He’s complained about not playing with the first team defense.  Complained about not starting.  Meanwhile, Mike Shannahan, the first year head coach of the Redskins, has neither bent nor budged at his girthy stars’ often times public reproaches of his style.

It looks like Haynesworth is now being told to pack his multi-million dollar Gucci bags and hit the road in his private jet.  I’d call him a “fat” cat, but that would be really corny.  Oops, I just did.

FIN

Fantasy Football 2010: Preview, Part 2

Posted: August 19, 2010 in Sports
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THURSDAY November 11, 2010

Chris Hatch, famed idiot savant and writer of Burnpoetry, gets a calendar, looks at it and bangs his head into a wall.  Realizing that his “Fantasy Football Part 1″ piece was as inaccurate as an O.J. Simpson testimony he goes back and re-writes it for his 7 fans.

On this same day, Brett Favre announces he is tired of riding the Omaha Nighthawks’ bench behind Joe Ganz and will be returning to the NFL.

Sunday November 14, 2010

The New York Jets lose to the Cleveland Browns.  Bill Callahan is caught on camera sobbing uncontrollably, and popping 4 Vicodin.  The announcers compare his crumbling career to the movie “2012.”  He is summarily sent to rehab after being bombarded by F-Bombs from Rex Ryan and batteries thrown from section 234 in the upper deck.

Saturday November 20, 2010

The Huskers continue the season’s unbeaten streak and rise to #4 in the polls.  Jared Crick dribbles Jerrod Johnson’s head on the turf like a basketball.  Huskers win in a surprisingly tough game 27-20.

During the late game, USC loses its 5th game of the season.  Lane Kiffin resigns from the team after TMZ spots him mainlining heroin in a trendy L.A. nightclub with Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse.  He becomes Bill Callahan’s roommate in the rehab facility.

Wednesday November 24, 2010

Nick Saban sucker punches an agent attempting to talk to Mark Ingram.  Ingram, attempting to protect the agent that has been giving him 20 grand a month for the last year, knees Saban in the groin and is kicked off the team.

Friday November 26, 2010

Dan Hawkins’ squad rolls into Lincoln on a 7 game losing streak.  The roll out with an 8 game losing streak and on their 3rd string quarterback.  Hawkins and Bo Pelini meet mid-field after the game after exchanging angry words in the media the entire day before the game.  They arm wrestle in front of a standing-room-only Memorial Stadium crowd and Pelini breaks his wrist.

Saturday November 27, 2010

ESPN reports that negotiations between the players union and the owners is worse than ever.  During tough, tense moments in the boardroom, Diddy apparently keeps shouting “Bad Boy, baby!” in Jerry Jones’ hearing aids.  A lockout looms large.

Monday November 29, 2010

Peyton Manning throws 5 TD’s in the Monday Night Football game against the Cardinals.  Matt Leinart, still recovering from his night of beer bonging with college girls, throws 2 picks and yacks on the sideline in high-definition.

December 4, 2010

Nebraska wins their last Big 12 Championship title ever.  By shit-stomping Bob Stoops.  Bo cements his legacy as the biggest pimp in Youngstown, Ohio’s history and gives a rousing speech on the daius erected for the title celebration.  His first sentence is pure poetry and becomes known as the Beebe blast.  “Bend over Dan Beebe,” Bo screams while gesticulating wildly with the trophy.  “Bend over!”

Saturday December 11, 2010

In a shocking verdict, the Downtown Athletic Club decides that they will give Ndamukong Suh the 2010 Heisman trophy.  The reasoning behind their decision?  “We screwed him last year.”  Suh graciously accepts his award.

Thursday December 16, 2010

Coaching legend Joe Paterno reveals to the world in a press conference that he is, in fact, still alive.  He has been swimming in a pool at his retirement home inhabited by an alien Cocoon, which has given him great new powers and longevity.  Paterno announces he will be back and better then ever in 2011.  He then promptly dies on the spot.

Wednesday December 22, 2010

Blaine Gabbert reveals to the public that after getting his ass kicked by a girl he picked up a crack-habit that would make Whitney Houston look like Mother Theresa.  He checks into rehab with Callahan and Kiffin.

Thursday December 23, 2010

In a sure-fire sign that justice does exist in the universe, an asteroid crashes into a rehab facility in California where Kiffin, Callahan, and Gabbert are all attempting to figure out how to play checkers together.  I count this as an early Christmas/birthday present to myself.

Sunday January 2, 2010

Brett Favre is sacked 3 times by soon-to-be pro-bowler Ndamukong Suh.  Suh hits favre so hard he knocks the grey out of his stubble.  Favre, seen drinking “Ensure” on the sidelines instead of gatorade, shocks everyone by retiring mid-play when he realizes he’s about to be blind-sided by Suh.  He uses his walker to exit the field and heads off to begin work on stamp-collecting like all retirees.

Monday Jaunuary 10, 2010

Nebraska defeats the ridiculously overrated, horrendously outmatched pansies of Boise State.  The Broncos, having only won a few important games the entire year, were again over-rated by morons who forgot what a terrible, terrible, conference they play in.  Nebraska wins 62-10.  Boise’s program declares that they will never again leave their home state of Idaho in search of competition.

Tuesday January 11, 2010

Bo Pelini neglects all other media outlets and gives Burnpoetry a completely exclusive, un-edited for swearwords, interview.  It.  Is.  Awesome.

Sunday February 6, 2010

My fantasy football year comes to a smashing conclusion.  Peyton Manning leads the 49ers to the promised land, announces he will re-sign with the team for the remainder of his career, and Eminem, Lil’ Wayne, and AC/DC collaborate for the half-time show.

FIN

Fantasy Football Preview: 2010, Part 1

Posted: August 18, 2010 in Sports
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With football season fast approaching, one phrase is on the lips of many people.  Fantasy football.  Fantasy football is a numbers-based, stat-nerd-wet-dream that allows guys like me that can’t get enough of football to delve ever deeper into their obsession with the sport.  However, I thought I’d bring my own unique twist to the term “Fantasy Football.”  What would my true “fantasy” season look like for 2010?  Let’s take a look.

Friday August 20, 2010

Quarterback Brett Favre, always tabbed as a practical joker, pulls the biggest one-man episode of “Punk’d” and tells Brad Childress and the entire state of Minnesota, “Psych, ya’ll.”  I’ll be taking my services to Omaha to play alongside my old teammate Ahman Green for the Omaha Nighthawks.

Thursday September 2, 2010

USC loses to Hawaii 28-14.  A sideline camera catches Lane Kiffin doing a line of coke and chasing it down with Jack Daniels straight from the bottle.

Friday September 3, 2010

Bo Pelini announces that Zach Lee will start, but that all 3 quarterbacks will receive snaps during the Western Kentucky game.

Saturday September 18, 2010

Jake Locker is sacked 7 times, picked off by Prince Amukamara and the Huskers make Steve Sarkisian their bitch.  Bo goes to shake hands with Locker, but Locker’s so delirious from the beating that he accidentally tries to kiss Bo on the cheek.  Bo drops him with a swift left hook that goes unnoticed in the post-game pandemonium.

Tuesday September 28, 2010

New York Jets offensive line coach Bill Callahan is picked up by police for soliciting prostitution.  From a dude.

Sunday October 3, 2010

After the 49ers start their season 3-0, they beat Atlanta in week 4.   Scott McCloughlin, the 49ers GM, is spotted in an exclusive florida nightclub after the game in a V.I.P. booth with Bill Polian, the Colts GM.

Thursday October 7, 2010

Nebraska defeats K-State 49-14.  Bill Snyder’s geriatric ass can be seen calling repeatedly to “Put Michael Bishop in!”  Erin Andrews breaks a story that Snyder has his own locker-room stash of Adult Pampers.

Friday October 15, 2010

When asked if he will continue rotating quarterbacks Bo simply smiles.  When pressed further he responds, “You’ll see.”

Saturday October 16, 2010

Nebraska debuts their “Trident” package.  The unprecedented offensive set, featuring all three Husker quarterbacks in the backfield at once, completely befuddles the vaunted Texas defense.  Texas Quarterback Garrett Gilbert is stymied by an amped up Blackshirt defense.  Bo Pelini calls a timeout with one second left and lets Alex Henery kick a 42 yard field goal.  Huskers win 32-17.

Sunday October 24, 2010

The Colts GM, Bill Polian, drinks an entire 5th of Ciroc Vodka while partying with P-Diddy in his week off.  Diddy, acting on confidential orders from 49ers upper management tricks Polian into agreeing to trade Peyton Manning for Alex Smith.

Monday October 25, 2010

Polian sobers up, realizes he’s traded away the franchise for one of the greatest busts in NFL history.  Diddy, per his secret agreement with the 49ers, becomes 49% owner of the team.  The NFL is agahst at the under-the-table dealings, but decides to not only honor the contract, but to hire Diddy as chief negotiator in the battle to prevent the impending 2011 lockout.

Saturday October 30, 2010

Nebraska defeats Missouri, scoring another 42 points behind the “Trident” formation.  Huskers win 42-13.

Sunday October 31, 2010

Blaine Gabbert, dressed up in his “Lindsay Lohan” Halloween outfit, loses another fight to his own “fans.”  He presses charges on the sorority girl that broke his nose and the Tigers’ season spirals out of control.

Sunday November 11, 2010

The 49ers, behind their new QB continue to win and are rapidly gaining steam as the “Dark-horse Favorites” to win the Superbowl.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

Least Wonderful Time of the Year

Posted: August 16, 2010 in Burnaudio
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With football season fast-approaching we find ourselves in a sporting “Dead Zone.”  That’s far, far worse than the show of the same name. This is a song dedicated to my least favorite sporting time of the year.

Anne has once again lent her vocals to this song.  I’m sure all of you were silently praying that I wouldn’t sing on this track so. . .your prayers are answered.

Download: 1282007954_32

It’s the least wonderful time of the year
With Brett Favre flip and flopping
And nothing on T.V. but baseball, oh dear
It’s the least wonderful time of the year.
There’s no point to pre-season football.
With Lebron gone to Southbeach and no pirate Mike Leach
To get sued at all

It’s the crap-crappiest season of all.
There’s no guys that are dunking
Rather be spelunking
Than watch women try to play hoops

There is no tailgating
And way too much waiting
For the beatdown on Bobby Stoops.

It’s the least wonderful time of the year
There’s T.O. and Ocho
Might be Yoko Ono
But that’s not yet here

It’s the least wonderful time of the year.
There’s no food to be smoking
Just A-Rod a-choking
And call-ins to talk radio

There’ll be sighing and sleeping
Maybe even weeping
While we anxiously await Bo

It’s the least wonderful time of the year
The clock’s going too slowly
This summer is lowly
Man, thank god for beer.

It’s the least wonderful time
I am losing my damn mind
It’s the least wonderful time of the year.

FIN

Friday F.U.’s: Part Deux

Posted: August 13, 2010 in Burnaudio
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