At the end of April, a monumental moment in human history occurred. It was something important, something game-changing, and something that will have far-reaching ramifications on life for all citizens in these United States of America. Oh, and a basketball player came out of the closet, too.
What I’m referring to, and if you are a devourer of pop culture and useless internet memes run rampant as I am you probably have already heard, is that McDonald’s has announced that there is the potential for the McGriddle to get served all McDamnDay.
That’s right, fellow fatties, McD’s has announced that they’re considering serving their breakfast throughout the course of the entire day. That chilled out, laid back cacophany of, “Sweet, bro”s you just heard was the sound of 10 million stoners climbing out from the basements, strapping on a hemp jacket and skate-boarding their way towards the fast food mecca right now just in case they change their minds and you can score some hotcakes at 3:30 PM.
This reversal of the age-old McDonald’s logic that stipulated that breakfast was only to be available during the morning hours got me to wondering, what would the sporting equivalent of this time-oriented reversal of philosophy be? Let’s sit down, have an imaginary (*Author’s note: but delicious) mid-afternoon Egg McMuffin and ask three questions that are weird, intriguing, and will absolutely, positively never happen.
What if the NBA was played in the morning?
Can you imagine the horror of watching a hung-over Boogie Cousins take on an exhausted-from-clubbing-with-Jay-Z Carmelo Anthony at 8:15 AM? I’m not sure if that would be awful. Or awesome. Or awesomely awful? One thing is for sure, it would revolutionize the way the game was played. Vendors would be forced to serve waffles instead of hot dogs and even the “City That Never Sleeps” would probably end up passed out courtside from exhaustion.
The only people who should play basketball before noon are kids wearing generic league t-shirts and the old, hairy-backed dudes in rec-specs and cotton shorts playing at the local YWCA.
The promotional tie-ins with Red Bull replacing the Gatorade in the teams’ coolers wouldn’t be worth the fact that the performance enhancing drugs would suddenly just be replaced with piles of morning blow to start off the day. Just know that the first time ESPN had a 1080p closeup of Andrew Bynum upchucking at center court after a night spent galavanting at the Playboy Mansion and the NBA would probably consider moving games right back to the evening like they should.
What if baseball was played in the winter?
Baseball has long been a spring/summer/early fall sport. It’s so long that the only months it doesn’t play in are the winter ones. But what if that changed? What if, instead of starting in April like they have for decade upon decade, Major League Baseball started in January?
It’s already awesome when we’re treated to either early-season or October playoff snow-games, but how great would it be to see them all the time? How awesome would it be to watch baseball players sliding in the snow like kindergartners in snow pants. No need to worry about pitchers illegally adding moisture to the ball when their hands are covered in flakes. Plus? Snowball fights. Bench clearing brawls mixed with slush balls, mixed with potential skiing hazards? Listening to Joe Buck try to figure out whether there’s a player running the bases or just doing Moguls? Why am I asking so many questions? Your move Bud Selig.
What if they played football at midnight?
Let me set the stage. It’s September 7th, 2013. It’s 11:55 PM in Lincoln, Nebraska. The heat from the Midwest dog days is only now starting to unclench it’s white-knuckled fist. The lights are on at Memorial Stadium. 89,000 people have packed the stands. They’ve been drinking. All day. The football season is finally here and they are about to take part in the inaugural Midnight Mayhem Football Game of the Week on HBO. There’s something different about the Midnight game the fans are about to watch. Tougher, more exciting. Badass. It’s an electric, outdoor, party that avoids the heat of the day, and causes a media sensation.
Once a week, have HBO pick a college game, throw their gigantic checkbook behind the production, and have them televise a rabble-rousing, Adult-version of the game of college football. Since it’s HBO, all rules would be off. They could make it a rebellious, fascinating, take on the game. Have Kevin Hart do the color commentary, have Norm McDonald as the sideline reporter. Who wouldn’t love it? (*Author’s note: besides the coaches) The students? They’d liquor up all day and it would immediately turn into the best party of the year; a hybrid combo of Midnight Madness and tailgate Saturdays The players? They get to sleep in, hang out during the hot part of the day, and break new ground on something that felt rebellious and untouchably cool. The athletic department could cash in on the massive amount of cash that could be behind grabbing this wild opportunity.