Yesterday the internet was set ablaze by a picture of Kentucky coach, John Calipari, meeting in what appeared to be an almost-too-funny-to-be-true abandoned parking garage with Louisville coach, Rick Pitino, and whispering with one another.

Of course they seemed to be greeting each other like to Mob Bosses deciding to come together to put a hit out on the opposition.

Of course they were in a weirdly lit, sparsely populated parking garage.

And, of COURSE they were wearing tracksuits.

This may or may not have been memed to death yesterday, but I am nothing if not slow on the uptake and I am anything but original.  So here, are a few guesses as to what was said between these two legendary coaches as they whispered sweet nothings in one another’s ears.

Cal

Coach Pitino
“Wednesday is arms and back.  I can barely lift my left arm ’cause I did so many.
I don’t know if you heard me counting.  I did over a thousand.”

Coach Calipari
“Oh, of course.  Why, here you have your ubulus muscle that connects
to the upper dorsimus.”

Coach Pitino
“It’s boring, but it’s part of my life.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Cal

Coach Calipari
“Listen, coach, I really only have about 2 minutes.”

Coach Pitino
“Hey, no problem.  That’s more than enough time for me.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Cal
Coach Calipari
“So then the NCAA investigator says to me, ‘Secondary Violation.’”

Coach Pitino
“HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”

Coach Calipari
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAH!.”

Coach Pitino
“NCAA Violations, huh?”

Both Coaches in Unison
“BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Cal

Coach Calipari
“So did you take care of that thing?”

Coach Pitino
“What thing?”

Coach Calipari
“You know, that thing with the guy.”

Coach Pitino
“Which guy?”

Coach Calipari
“The, uh, you know.  The guy.”

Coach Pitino
“Oh, that guy? The, uh, the Emmert guy?”

Coach Calipari
“Yeah, that’s the one.  You take care of that thing.”

Coach Pitino
“Oh, yeah.  No, that’s, uh, taken care of.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Cal

Coach Calipari
“Coach, listen, I know we agreed to both use that Malaysian airliner for our own
illegal recruiting operations, but this time you’ve gone too far.  You’ve got to
give it back.”

Coach Pitino
“Have you seen the talent down in Australia?  I’m not giving it back.  Get out
of here.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Cal

Coach Calipari
“Are you sure you’re not Pat Riley?”

Coach Pitino
“Yes.  For the 500th time.  I’m sure I’m not Pat Riley.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Cal

Coach Calipari
“Look, I swear I don’t have it.  I’ve looked everywhere.  I’m really sorry.”

Coach Pitino
“A DVD of He Got Game doesn’t just walk out of my office and disappear.  You were the last one in there. . .”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Cal

Coach Calipari
“Hey, I’ve got some big news.”

Coach Pitino
“Really?  Me too.”

Coach Calipari
“Give me yours first.”

Coach Pitino
“No you go.”

Coach Calipari
“No you. . .”

Coach Pitino
“Alright.  Let’s go at the same time.”

Both Coaches Simultaneously
“I just turned in my résumé to Jim Buss.”

Coach Calipari
“OMG, Jinx!”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Cal

Coach Calipari
“No, seriously.  I still have no idea which one is which.  Aaron.  Andrew.
I make ‘em wear nametags at the team meetings.”

Coach Pitino
“Yeah.  I just tell my guys, ‘Guard the one who looks like Peele
from the Key and Peele Show.’”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Cal

Coach Pitino
“I can’t believe we both wore tracksuits.”

Coach Calipari
“I know, right?  Twinsies!”

FIN

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