(*Author’s note: I’m not better than the paparazzo whack-jobs eating this story up. I’m sure you already knew that. What I do enjoy is burning on things, cracking dumb jokes, and making fun of Twilight like someone pays me to do it. So, hold onto your tweenage angst, people, because here. . .we. . .go.)
- No word yet on whether the studio plans to cancel the special, “Director’s cut edition” of Snow White and the Huntsman, featuring the 8th Dwarf, Horny, a middle-aged dwarf-perv that continually attempts to seduce Snow White.
- Turns out that the “Mirror Mirror on the Wall” was actually double-sided glass. On the other side? This guy:
- Somewhere, on the set of a terrible, terrible action movie Taylor Lautner is shouting out, “Yeeeesssssssss!” and then kicking into a bunch of idiotic karate moves that, despite looking kind of cool, don’t help him act. At all.
- Pattinson is about to make “broodinger” a new word in the English language.
- “Now is my chance!” – Every tweenage girl ever, after hearing the news.
- Burnpoetry has obtained exclusive rights to the picture of Robert Pattinson as he received the tragic news of this personal crisis:
- Would you say that Stewart drove a stake through Robert Pattinson’s heart? Eh? Eh?
- Kristen Stewart’s biggest regret throughout this whole ordeal? The fact that she just totally blew her chance to win any more Teen Choice Awards.
- “So, wait, you banged the director after you got the part?” – Confused Hollywood skanks, weighing in on the controversy.
- With all the national sympathy for him, finally Robert Pattinson will have a chance at getting laid.
- Brett Ratner, founder and CEO of the D(bag)irector’s Guild of America, has already started rolling out the red carpet for Rupert Sanders.
- You just know that Ratner, upon hearing the news that Kristen Stewart had cheated on Pattinson with a director, slipped his casting director a wad of big bills and whispered, “You know what to do. . .”
- It’s been a tough year for Ruperts. Murdoch is in hot water for his international phone hacking scandal, Sanders just got nailed for perving it up, and Grint, well, Grint looks like this:
- Robert Pattinson’s 5 steps to consoling yourself after getting cheated on by your girlfriend:
1) Slowly trudge outside as (______Insert Dashboard Confessional song here___) plays in the background, light a cigarette and reflexively puff some into the dying sunlight.
2) Buy 2,000 leather jackets. Each jacket must be strategically beaten up to achieve maximum moody, masculine effect and also cost more than Mark Zuckerberg’s house.
3) Gel hair, muss, repeat. (Do this 3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times)
4) Feast on the blood of the living.
5) Briefly date Rihanna, like every other dude in show business. (*Author’s note: or John Mayer. Everyone that gets dumped/cheated on/dumps someone/cheats on someone ends up hooking up with John Mayer for a little while.)
- Now that plans for the Snow White sequel starring Kristen Stewart have temporarily (*Author’s note: allegedly) been put on hold, it will clear the way for the action sports/stoner comedy: Shaun White and the 7 (bags of) Dopes.
- The most fascinating part of pre-season football for me so far has been watching 49ers quarterback, Alex Smith, pretend like he hasn’t been moonlighting as a British director that hooked up with Kristen Stewart. I mean, this is totally him, right?