American Idol needs a new judge. Or two.
After a season that saw ratings slide to the lowest they’ve been since the showed debuted in 2002, Idol is in trouble. J-Lo took her junk, her trunk, and her Jenny right back to the Block. That kooky old Grandma that dressed like Steven Tyler is gone too.
Which leaves one Randall Darius Jackson to once again hold down the fort. Allegedly.
The fact is, we’re not sure what “The Dawg” will do. Apparently he’s in limbo about his future with the show. My guess is that he’s considering devoting more of his time to dressing like a rich, identity-angsted tween and trying to find more 10-year-old cloggers for Mario Lopez to jock on, on the once-cool America’s Best Dance Crew.
While Randy, the show’s version of a guy that’s perennial stuck in the “friend zone” will almost certainly return to Idol, the only judge that is currently locked in on the show is pop diva Mariah Carey. She’ll be pulling in a staggering amount of money for the season, with reports claiming she’ll be near the $17-million range (*Author’s note: or as Joe Johnson calls it, “chump change for one season”) and Randy Jackson is her manager, after all, so watch for those two to team up on the latest season.
With Jackson and Carey both likely down for the new season you can count on a few things with relative certainty:
1) Mariah Carey will accidentally sing something, while offering up the usual advice like, “I wish you would’ve tried to do _______ (insert judgey cliché) with it a little more, you know, like this: (____ insert word class pipes here)” that proves how completely and irrevocably brilliant she can be.
2) Mariah Carey will accidentally say something that proves how completely and irrevocably insane she is.
3) Randy will try to deflect some of the creepily pervy things contestants say about Mariah by raising his pudgy fingers and saying, “Thank you.” Even though it’s clear who they’re addressing.
4) Nick Cannon will rip away the “less-talented, less-rich, and less-good looking husband who kind of clings to the show in a way that makes all the viewers uncomfortable for him” belt away from the now-divorced hands of Marc Anthony and he will wear it a little too proudly.
With all the above mayhem coming to fruition just a few days ago, the entertainment world has been frantically trying to predict who will be the other judge on the show. Since I’m neither any better, nor any more original, than most of the other schlock out on the internet I’ve decided to come up with a list of who I think should be the 3rd part of this triumvirate of judginess.
1. Judge Judy
(*Author’s note: not a good start, I admit, but she’s already got “Judge” in her name and she’d be slightly better than Dredd.)
2. 50 Cent
His career isn’t what it used to be. 50 is no longer the lightning rod for criticism and the king of beef. He’s doing commercials hawking energy shots with Joan Rivers. When your life involves doing anything with either energy shots or Joan Rivers, American Idol is a big step up.
Besides, is there a whiter show in the country? It seems like every year Idol gets a little honkier, a little show-tunier, a little Adele-ier. It needs to get some edge to it. Who better to bring that edge than the guy who used to ride around in a bomb-proof SUV?
3. Justin Timberlake
I know, I know, this one would take about 30 mill to pull it off. But is there a bigger singer with more time on his hands? Timberlake hasn’t cranked out an album in years and he’s about one more In Time debacle as a leading man away from being reduced to doing Lifetime movies.
While he can sing, and while I have a t00-large man-crush on him, Timberlake can’t act. But he’s charismatic, funny, and we’ve seen what Idol can do for a singer/actor/dancer in need of a career defibrillation.
4. Lana Del Ray
People in America love to hate-watch television. We love to tune in and disgustedly rip on the Guido Whack-jobs on Jersey Shore, to wonder “Why the F do people care so much about crown molding” on Househunters (*Author’s note: No, seriously. Why the F do people care so much about crown molding?) and adding the biggest star of hate-watching/listening that’s come around in quite a while could do wonders for the ratings.
The fact that she would instantaneously be a worse singer than any of the contestants, would finally give Randy someone less talented than him on the panel, and that she would probably appear to be stoned to the gills on bath salts during shooting would give us all kinds of new twists to a show that’s, frankly, gotten a little routine.
And staying in line with judges who are completely insane. . .
5. Axl Rose
The one-time fling of the aforementioned Del Ray, Rose was once the frontman of the greatest rock band of all time. Now, he’s just kind of floating around, spending millions trying to recapture the lightning in a bottle that he had with Duff, Slash, and co.
Again, we have the recipe for a once-great star that’s looking to jump-start a 2012 relevancy campaign. Plus, Axl Rose is a gigantic, sloppy, 12-piece bucket of crazy. He makes Steven Tyler seem coherent and rational.
- Andy Samberg
- Anyone that’s extremely angry and extremely British. (*Author’s note: why do we feel the need to import our a-holes? Don’t we have enough of those on our soil?)