It’s that time of year again, sports fanatics. The time of year when there’s so little actually going on in the sporting world that all we can do is constantly recap the year that was. With WNBA “highlights” and a merciful pause in baseball for the All-Star game this is the time of year that bears a good deal of reflection. This year’s Hatchspys promises to be a star-studded affair and, while I don’t have a red carpet for anyone to walk, I did lay down a silky smooth layer of hate for the sports stars to enjoy.
Without further ado, Ladies and Gentleman of Burnpoetry, I present to you: the 2012 Hatchspys.
Beadiest Eyes in Football:
Eli always looks like he’s the kid down the block who’s been staring directly at the solar eclipse in spite of his Mother’s warnings. Despite having his eyes open exactly the same amount as a stoner looking downward at a bag of Doritos, Eli led his team to the Super Bowl Championship. His 9-year-old’s-first-day-of-school bowl cut and eyes that are as beady as a chipmunk at midnight make Eli the least intimidating badass in the game today. Or should I say bead-ass? (*Author’s note: I apologize.)
Best Twitter Handle (TIE)
Demarcus Cousins and Nick Young
Believe it or not, this is actually not the “athlete most likely to wake up next to a Kardashian sister while using a dimebag as a pillow” category. Thankfully I have decided to eschew that category for one with a whole lot more gravitas and relevancy. Cousins goes by the hilarious “boogiecousins” handle and Young, who dresses like a member of The Doors heading to his ashram to buy more drugs, goes by “nickswagypyoung.”
These guys epitomize the out-and-out insanity of young ballplayers given a public forum to try to develop coherent thoughts before a Playa Hater’s Ball-esque public. (*Author’s note: see: me. Or idiots like me)
The Tiger Woods Memorial Trophy for Biggest Perv-Job in Sports
Bob Kraft (With a Pervy Buzzerbeater!)
The 71-year-old owner of the New England Patriots has recently had an absurdly creepy video pop up of him helping his 30-something girlfriend go over her lines for a movie tryout she’s attempting to pull off. Kraft’s net worth is hovering somewhere around 1.7 billion, but his perviness is definitely somewhere between previous dis-honorees, Lawrence Taylor and Tiger Woods. Try to watch this video and not desperately look around for some napalm to try to shower in. Just try.
(*Author’s note: 1.7 Billi buys a whole helluva lot of acting lessons, Bobby.)
Best Facial Hair
With all due respect to James Harden’s beard, the most talked about hair on any athlete’s face this year has to be Davis’ now infamous unibrow.
Not technically facial hair, you say? It’s more porn-stache than eyebrow. It’s more Jacob from the Twilight movies, mid-werewolfing than eyebrow. That is facial hair. Not “those” are facial hair. This is singular. Unified. The hairs on Davis’ face are practically stitched together like a fine, wall-hanging tapestry. They’re genetically reaching for one another and hanging on like someone’s trying to break through them in a facial game of Red Rover. (*Author’s note: Alright, I’m done now.)
Strangest Twist of Sports Fate
Jordan, the once-proud best athlete on the planet has suddenly found himself doing something entirely new to his name: losing. As a player, the only time Jordan lost was on the baseball field, the first half of Space Jam, and at casinos. As a GM and owner of the Charlotte Bobcats? He has a team that was putrid last season. Worst than putrid. They were pretty much the antithesis of the 1997, 72-10 Bulls squad. They couldn’t win. They were all overpaid and underachieving. The strangest part of it all? Michael Jordan is at the helm.
Former NBA greats don’t always make great NBA executives, but Larry Bird has shown a knack for it that you know is making MJ scramble to regain his reputation. Jordan has been teetering closely towards losing some of that famous mystique. How you ask? By making terrible managerial decisions. Oh, and he dresses like this:
NFL Player Who Most Looks Like he Spent his Contract Holdout Hunting Humans for Sport in a Brutal Intergalactic Form of Building Honor
(*Author’s note: and to all you Sci-Fi Nerds — read: me — I know that CJ2k is a little short to be a predator. But look at those dreds. And the metallic teeth? C’mon, son.)
Worst Announcing Tandem
Joe Buck and Troy Aikman
(*Author’s note: these guys narrowly edged out perennial contender “Chris Berman and anyone“.)
These guys have all the flavor of roasted cardboard. Buck seems determined to prove to the world that an announcer with all the personality of a Walking Dead zombie, who seems as excited to be at some of the world’s best sporting events as a student is about his 8:00 AM micro-economics class can succeed based solely on his father’s reputation.
Aikman is a glass filled to the brim with milque served with a heaping side of toast. It’s a bad tandem when I’d rather watch the Rent-A-Center ads featuring the dynamic duo of Hulk Hogan and Aikman over Buck and Aik doing their thing on gamedays.