(*Author’s note: I haven’t posted in a while. I know this. But every so often something comes along that’s unignorable. A cinematic black hole that seems to be pulling me directly towards it. I had to write about this. I’m talking about Dinocroc VS Supergator. It’s a SyFy anti-classic that deserves to be forgotten. So I’m going to remember it. And it certainly doesn’t deserve a 1700 word, detailed breakdown. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.)
- 18 Seconds in: I read the synopsis, “Gigantic reptilian creatures chomp on people on an island.” I have to sit up in bed and make sure that this isn’t a Taylor Swift induced hallucination from watching her visual kick-in-the-crotch from the Grammy’s a few minutes ago.
(*Author’s note: Swift performed her tween-anthem while dressed up as a poor person — because she’s clearly the most rustic “Covergirl” spokeswoman ever — and by playing a banjo. And by “playing” I mean she played it with all the alacrity of a drunken amputee hammering away at Guitar Hero II. Yes, I can’t stand Taylor Swift.)
- 27 Seconds In: A woman hammering on what looks to be a thermostat shouts at a group of white-coated (so you know they’re scientific) dudes to “get out” while an alarm sounds.
- 38 Seconds In: The woman scientist sprints past revealing a very un-scientific amount of cleavage.
- 42 Seconds In: In perhaps the most flawless execution of the “Reverse Jaws Maneuver” in recent memory, the monster is revealed instantaneously. To celebrate this very Un-Spielbergian move, the (Dinocroc? Supergator?) monster promptly devours a scientist.
- 2:07 In: With a reckless disregard for suspense-building, the beast has already devoured 3 people and stomped another to death. All while being more poorly animated than my 9th grade Powerpoint project.
- 3:18 In: David Carradine, Bill from the Kill Bill movies, makes an appearance as a liver-spotted, boozing villain. Also, he has a doctor that looks like she’s a seasoned actress. In porn.
- 4:30 In: One of the main actors’ names is Rib.
- 4:31 In: I begin struggling not to make a shitty “Rib” joke.
- 4:48 In: If Rib starred in a SyFy remake of Braveheart would he simply go as McRib? (*Author’s note: please accept my apologies.)
- 6:10 In: Cut to 2 people sunbathing on a dirty beach. The director apparently overlooked the fact that the sky is slate-grey during the shooting.
- 8:37 In: We get out first gratuitous Bikini shot. 7:25 without a bikini in SyFy movie time is roughly equivalent to 48 minutes real-time. Clearly this director wanted substance over style.
- 8:42 In: Bikini Girl’s boyfriend gets snapped up by a Supergator the size of the runaway train in Unstoppable. The CGI guy, undoubtedly getting high on his own supply, forgets that a 6-ton monster might make a ripple when leaping out of its watery hiding place.
- 9:27 In: Bikini Girl gets eaten by Supergator. I feel confident that’s the last scantily clad girl we’ll see in this film.
- 11:52 In: Cut to a park ranger that looks like a combination between Daisy Duke and a skanky version of Smoky the Bear, driving a boat named “Wild Angel.”
- 13:28 In: Skanky Smoky the Bear Girl has a conversation with her overly grizzled, overly tanned father about Bikini Girl’s untimely demise. The entire time the two are standing uncomfortably close together. I keep waiting for some incestuously creepy subplot to spring up. It doesn’t.
- 19:41 In: A helicopter full of army/SWAT/mercenary guys is flying in to clean up the Dinocroc/Supergator infestation. During what must be the quietest helicopter ride ever their commander attempts to explode the cliche-record for lame military references in 30 seconds. “Hoo-rah,” “Alright Ladies,” and the always poignant “Lock and load.” Replete with gun-loading sound effects. These guys clearly mean business.
- 19:45 In: The mercenaries are suddenly on the ground, walking through the thick jungle. Their outfits look like they were last worn during the Bay of Pigs by the Cuban insurgents.
- 21:14 In: A scientist (*Author’s note: easily recognizable in his lab coat and wearing his scientific spectacles) comes sprinting out of the bushes and immediately guesses who the mercenaries are. They promptly shoot him. Looks like the Evil Dinocroc/Supergator breeding corporation wants no witnesses.
- 22:02 In: An actual conversation by 2 of the mercenaries.
Mercenary wearing aviator sunglasses, “Man, I don’t know if I could stomach shooting civilians like that.”
Mercenary who looks like he’s a bass player in a Tool coverband – “Don’t think of it as civilians. Think of it as a job. Money always eases the conscience.”
- 22:42 In: Aviator Merc and Bass-Player Merc get stepped on. Dead.
- 23:08 In: 2 more mercs shoot Dinocroc with literally 12,000 bullets without reloading, or injuring the monster, a single time. They both get eaten.
- 23:48 In: Captain Cliche, who talks like he got his military training by N.W.A., and his Merc-homey each shoot Dinocroc 8,500 times each. Cliche pulls out a gigantic chunk of C4 from his pocket, does nothing to activate and/or arm it for detonation, and tosses it at Dinocroc. Predictably, Dinocroc is unfazed.
- 24:00 In: After running roughly 50 feet through the jungle, Cliche asks merc-homey, “Do you think we lost it?” ***Spoiler Alert*** they didn’t. Dead.
- 34:26 In: On her way to investigate some suspicious, rather Dinocrocian reports, the boat “Wild Angel” mysteriously suffers a massive engine failure.
- 35:04 In: Apparently the boat works good enough to head upriver to where the hunky good guy who’s on the island investigating evil corporations happens to be fishing. He says, “Ahoy” with no hint of comic relief.
- 38:31 In: Gratuitous Bikini shot alert!
- 43:26 In: 2 Hoochies sprint up to a waterfall. They bump into a nature photographer and promptly bikini up and demand that he photograph them. SyFy, you truly have outdone yourself.
- 44:21 In: The photographer’s perviness is his undoing (*Author’s note: isn’t it always?) and he’s promptly eaten by a blurring mass of poorly animated CGI. The bikini girls quickly devolve into a sprinting mess of silicone and flip-flops.
- 50:40 In: Both girls get eaten. One is bitten in half. The poetic justice is striking: a girl who only got a part in the movie because of her top half, suddenly finds only her top half in the movie.
- 55:42 In: 2 things happen at once here: 1. The sexual tension between Skanky Smoky the Bear Girl and Hunky Federal Investigator, which has been boiling like a dirty test tube in a meth lab, suddenly runneth over and 2. I realize that the dude half of this sexual addition problem has hair that looks like a mixture of Screech from Saved By the Bell and Justin Timberlake post-perm.
- 55:55 In: Random quote that just made this script even better: “Mushrooms. Big friggin’ mushrooms.”
- 65:59 In: Dr. Cleavage, from the first scene, comes lurching out of the underbrush limping like 50 Cent. Apparently she’s been outrunning a genetically mutated monster with a bum leg.
- 67:25 In: Skanky Smoky the Bear Girl shoots Dinocroc 15 times with her 6-bullet-holding revolver. I counted. If you factor in how high on Hawaiian marijuana the entire production crew must’ve been at this stage in the shooting, then the guy editing the film actually did pretty good.
- 73:32 In: All the main characters are suddenly in the hospital room surrounding Dr. Cleavage. I begin to wonder if the screenwriter fashioned a makeshift paper noose for himself with the pages explaining this weird, teleportational transition and the director didn’t notice.
- 74:45 In: Gratuitous bikini alert!
- 74:46 In: Gratuitous Menage a trois foreshadowing alert!
- 81:18 In: Dinocroc eats the second set of scantily clad women and the guy attempting to lay them both. Worst menage a trois ever.
- 86:16 In: A lot happened in the last 5 minutes. Quick recap:
A) Dr. Cleavage got killed by the evil corporation’s randomly British henchwoman.
B) The town sheriff arrived looking more sunburned and boozed up than Dog the Bounty Hunter.
C) The character named “The Cajun” who was hired by the evil corporation turned good. (*Author’s note: and found a badass pleather jacket to wear even though they’re in Hawaii and it’s hot as hell)
and D) In an attempt to deal with he impending Dinocroc-ocaplypse, Skanky Smoky the Bear Girl changed into a spaghetti strap shirt.
- 87:53 In: “The Cajun” has changed back into his, naturally sleeveless, leather vest and Skanky Smoky found time to wash, dry, and iron her Park Ranger outfit.
- 98:13 In: In a SyFy delirium, eyes grainy from an hour and a half of cinematic doo-doo, I spot rookie mistake. Check out the shadows in this picture.
Was I stoned on Hi-Def picture and Low-Def plotlines? I couldn’t tell. I snap a grainy, camera-phone pic to let the audience decide.
- 110:40 In: The Sheriff that looks like he puts vodka in his morning coffee and Skanky Park Ranger have a gun battle with Supergator. Standing this close to the monster has no ill-effects.
- 111:51 In: The Got-Drunk-and-Fell-asleep-in-a-plastic-pool-chair-looking Sheriff decides to take his final stand. He cranks round after round into the Supergator. I can only assume he put in the Golden Eye cheat code for “unlimited ammo, no reloads” as he doesn’t bother to stop shooting during his bottomless bullet buffet.
- 111:55 In: During the booze-hound-pro-skin-cancer Sheriff’s last stand SyFy keeps re-using the same footage of the Supergator charging forward, than leaping backwards. Like a skipping CD or a tweenager playing “California King Bed” after a breakup, it’s the same shot over and over and over and over.
- 112:38 In: The Sheriff gets eaten. I’m guessing he tasted like cheap Bourbon and magazine sample cologne.
- 117:52 In: ”The Cajun”s plan to lure Dinocroc and Supergator together and have them fight each other works.
(*Two genetically-created monstrosities fighting to the death in a terrible movie falls somewhere between “Will these two teammates on The Challenge fight” and “Will these two Teammates drunkenly bang and then regret it on The Challenge” on the Bad TV scale of inevitability.)
- 118:58 In: The Hero throws a grenade into a barn. Obviously this is Dinocroc’s weakness. The grenade goes off and the hero dives into a stunningly convenient cooler full of water to avoid the wall of doom that envelopes Dinocroc.
- 119:37 In: Final line of dialogue in the entire movie: “Well…I’m glad that’s over.” I couldn’t have put it better myself.
- Credits Roll: I realize that anyone affiliated with this movie should have their name blurred out from the credits like they’re a witness testifying against the mob on TV.
(*Author’s note: if you read this far…thank you. If you read this far…I’m sorry.)