The 2011 Hatchspys
It’s that time of year again, Sports fanatics. The time of year when there’s so little actually going on in the sporting world that all we can do is constantly recap the year that was. With women’s soccer and a merciful pause in Baseball for the All-Star game this is the time of year that bears a good deal of reflection. Last year’s Hatchspys was a star-studded affair and, while I didn’t have a red carpet for anyone to walk, I did lay down a silky smooth layer of hate for the sports stars to enjoy.
Best Actor in a motion picture: Shaquille O’Neal
Mr. O’Neal, everyone’s favorite Irishman, recently starred in a new movie. I’m not talking about “Kazaam 2″ or “Man of Steel” or even pulling a cameo in a video game like his now legendarily shitty “Shaq-fu” in which Shaq was a Mortal Kombat style ninja for Sega. No.
The Big Perv-istotle was recently caught on not-so-candid camera with a group of lovely ladies engaging in what could only best be described as whack-a-Shaq. When news of Shaq’s impending sex tape being released to the public came around to “The Diesel”s attention he did what any normal citizen would do in this instance: he hired a team of Crips to find and kidnap the man with the tape and shake him down Suge Knight style.
While this story inexplicably hasn’t gotten nearly the amount of media attention that it deserves, as Shaq’s recent retirement overshadowed it, I couldn’t help but feel that it deserved a Hatchspy. Prior to this tape being released the only “4-Way” Shaq had ever participated in was a trade to the Miami Heat.
He was famous for his lack of conditioning while playing and, from what I hear, his . . .um. . . endurance has continued to be his weak point.
Hopefully Shaq’s legal team shoots better than 52% from the free throw line or he may end up putting Icy Hot on his cellmates lower back. And not for pain.
Worst misuse of a cellphone: Tie, Taylor Martinez & Anthony Weiner
We may never know what Husker quarterback Taylor Martinez actually did with his phone when he was back in the locker room of the Texas A&M game that fully erupted Mt. Pelini on November 20th of this past year, and unfortunately we know exactly what the aptly named Mr. Weiner did with his phone, but these two will be tied in the Hatchspy record books.
Martinez, who allegedly called his father while in the locker room during a particularly ugly game last fall, came out of the locker room where a waiting Pelini dressed him down in a manner that would make a drill sergeant look serene. Weiner, a Congressman from New York, pretty much just dressed himself down. To nothing. And then sexted some photos. To which I can only respond: OMG. ROTFL. TTYL, Weiner.
Worst new sports cliché: “It is what it is.”
Finally unseating bajillion time winner ” Giving it 110%” as the 2011 Hatchspy sports cliché of the year, “It is what it is” is part Yogi Berra idiocy, part Bill Belichik-ian ‘answer a question without revealing a damn thing’ and fully obnoxious to hear over and over again. I understand that sometimes, as a people, we find ourselves without anything particularly relevant to say
(*Author’s note: see: every time I blog) but athletes are required to talk and so we sometimes are dealt the underwhelming whimper of a quote, “it is what it is.”
This quote, tossed around like drug-money in a strip club this year, has split and divided like a cancerous organism in the sports stars of my generation who say it more than just about everything except “I plead the fifth.”
LeBron James, for instance, used the phrase so frequently during the that I found myself shouting at the T.V. like a petulant child, “Oh, REALLY, LeBron?!? Is it REALLY what it is? How f-ing profound.”
Needless to say, if people had mute buttons, my fiance would have pushed mine.
Best Broadcaster: Charles Barkley
Not much to say on this one. Barkley’s the man. He hates on whomever he wants and he’s so funny about it that most of the time they can’t even possibly take it personally. Quite frankly, I just want to party with him. Can you imagine anything cooler than hitting the Vegas Strip with Chuck Barkley? I can’t. And for that fact, coupled with the fact that he can be a surprisingly insightful and witty analyst, makes the Round Mound of Rebound a Hatchspy winner.
Worst Coaching Analogy: Derek Dooley, in comparing his Tennessee Team to the Germans during WWII
No, I’m not kidding. This actually happened. Dooley, who took over a reeling Tennessee football program for the never-classy Lane Kiffin, was as quotable a coach as had ever set foot in Knoxville. He was folksy and witty and the media loved his affable nature.
Dooley’s down-home Southern Charm took a 180 degree goosestep, however, when he compared his team full of underclassmen to the German’s during the invasion of Normandy beach. I’m not sure if Dooley was busy skipping stones down at the crick or fishin’ with his pa’s fishin’ reel instead of going to history class but there’s literally no one worse to compare yourself too than the Nazis. Except maybe Kiffin.
Regardless of the intent behind his analogy, Dooley declaring his team to be part of the Axis and therefore unwittingly naming himself Der Fuehrer of Dixieland, the foolishness of this statement is purely legendary.
Ringo Starr Fifth Wheel Award: Chris Bosh
Chris Bosh, previously famous for playing a velociraptor in “Jurassic Park 2,” has cemented his status as a professional fifth wheel. Playing for the self-glossed “Heatles” this season, Bosh was at times lost in the shuffle. He was Ringo. That’s not to say he didn’t have a few “Octupus’ Garden” moments, where he was truly able to shine, but for the most part he sort of faded to the background. At least as much as a guy with a longer neck than a Brontosaurus could
That’s all for the official 2011 Hatchspys. Who would you have nominated and for what?