Joakim Noah, the starting center for the Chicago Bulls, was recently caught on camera dropping an “F-Bomb.” No, not that F-Word. The other F-Word. This latest gay slur, allegedly directed at a heckling Miami Heat fan, follows on the heels of Kobe Bryant’s use of the same word and subsequent $100,000 dollar fine.
Commissioner David Stern has taken a strict stance against such homophobic language and the fine on Noah dropped in at $50K.
But that got me thinking, what if Stern decided that he really needed to draw a line in the sand; make a statement so bold against these intolerable remarks that every player would have no choice but to cower in terror at the consequences of such bigoted statements?
The natural response to these kind of transgressions in professional sports is to “hit ‘em where it hurts.” Meaning: the Wallet.
But what if Stern exercised his considerable clout and decided to lay a non-monetary smackdown on Noah. What if David Stern found some unique ways to punish Joakim for his idiocy? Here are a few suggestions, since I’m pretty sure Stern is an avid reader of this blog.
1. Make Him Sub-let the Basement of His Mansion to 10 Members of the Westboro Baptist Church for a Month
A month spent in close quarters with 10 of the most inbred, backwoods, yokels since the hillbilly rapists from “Deliverance” and I bet Noah would suddenly feel pretty enlightened and tolerant. A month spent hearing the disgusting hate-speech drivel piped out from between bucked, Red-man stained teeth and I bet Noah realizes the error of his ways.
2. Make Him Shut Up
This one may sound simple, but nothing could be more of a challenge. Noah never shuts up. Much like his game, which idles at crack-fiend-after-Redbull RPMs, his mouth is constantly open. He shouts, screams, bellows, and pops off at the mouth. The only true way to get him to close that pie-hole is to simply melt his mouth shut.
Impossible, you say? Maybe. But here’s how that works if you’ve forgotten. Just picture Noah as Neo.
3. “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” His Dirty Ass
Except do it at gunpoint. Have him held down, shaved, cleaned up, and shown pictures of his draft-day outfit over and over again. I have covered at length how gross Joakim, his pube-beard, and his jankety man-pony hair looks. If he wants to make fun of the gay community, let them ridicule him back. And let them save me from having to watch him run up and down the court looking like he was raised by Yetis.
5. Every Time He Scores Make Him Use a Timeout, Stand On the Scorer’s Table, and Do This Dance
He doesn’t score very much, but after 2 times of that hideous, spastic dancing on the jumbo-tron Noah would be begging for a chance to properly apologize.
6. Make Him Build Something
An arc, perhaps? (*Author’s note: I apologize.)
7. Make Him Sing a Duet of “Stan” With Elton John
Eminem did it. It helped his image. Watching Noah stumble his way around with one of the all-time greats and completely humiliate himself would be terrific punishment.
8. Make Him Play 1-on-4 Against the Aryan Brotherhood Prison Gang Team in San Quentin
He wants to be a bigot? These guys are professionals. He thinks he should tough-talk someone while using slurs? Wait until he plays some street ball with a bunch of hulking Neo-Nazis. And when they tell Noah to “Hit the Showers”? He better not drop the Head and Shoulders while he’s shampooing that mane of hair.