The NFL is known for being an all-powerful, narrative-vice-gripping, billionaires club. So what usually happens when you get a bunch of super-rich white dudes together that are struggling to control their apparent image problems? (*Author’s note: it’s called congress. Hiiiii-oooooh! But Seriously. . .)
You get more even more secrets and ass-covering than even a paranoid Illuminati-crazed whacko could come up with. At No Coast Bias we’re determined to crack the code and get the behind-the-scenes access that our readership demands.
This is where the NFL Combine comes into play. The combine has turned into a multi-day hypefest that explodes onto our social media timelines with pictures of fat guys burning through more 40s than in a party scene for a Big Pun biopic, NFL fanbases losing their minds over the measurables of their favorite prospect, and a whole lot of super-athletes being judged by chubby dudes sitting at their office desks (Author’s note: see: Hatch, Chris).
But what about the lesser-publicized events that the NFL uses to try to judge a prospect? Are there, in fact, secret “measurables” that only the innermost circles of the NFL Combine are privy to? We dug deep and utilized our secret sources that are connected on the deepest levels of security to find out that there are, indeed, 4 additional events that the NFL tests for at their fabled combine. Here they are.
1. The 40 Lawyer Dash
This test is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Given the NFL’s recent troubles off the field, this is a speed test in which prospects try to see exactly how quick they can lawyer up should they run into any kind of legal trouble. How fast can that shifty running back from the Pac-12 manage to find himself a defense attorney? Can that star linebacker from the SEC get to a prestigious, amoral law firm before TMZ finds out what happened? This drill is carefully scrutinized by both electronic timing and several corrupt judges brought in to monitor the potential legal proceedings.
2. The Character-Based Questionnaire
We’ve all heard about the Wonderlic test and we’ve heard horror stories about players with checkered pasts getting questioned by directors of player personnel from various teams. However, this year the NFL opted for one-question test that allowed them to identify any potential troubles that may occur when the players aren’t on the grid iron. Because this year: what concerns do they have for you if you’re not Jameis?
3. The Weed Brick Lateral
At this point, I’m not sure why this isn’t just a publicly held event like the other parts of the combine. Every NFL player needs to have a fall guy ready and waiting to say, “Uhh. . .yeah, officer. That is my weed. Not the guy driving the Maserati’s. Totally mine. Whoops.” This event tests the dexterity and fast twitch muscles of potential players who are required to quickly dump a brick of weed into the waiting hands of their less-financially-important homeys.
4. The Goodell Says Jump, You Say “How High.” Vertical Test
This is, for all intents and purposes, the single most important phase of the NFL’s secret combine. At least, it is to Roger Goodell. And, if the man seated on the Iron Throne approves of your obedience and approves of your undying fealty, he will not put your name on the black list. (*Author’s note: And, yes, that is supposed to be kind of a racist version of a double entendre) If you deny swearing your blood-oath to the master and high priest of all of the National Football League, Goodell will recommend that are you immediately sent to the football hinterlands to languish in misery for all of eternity. Or as the NFL calls it: you’ll get drafted by the Buffalo Bills.