It recently came to light that the Toronto Blue Jays were suing the Creighton Bluejays for “stealing” their logo.  And to be honest, it looks like they might truly have a case.  The birds look pretty similar.  The only difference between one team’s mascot and the other’s is that someone hit the “space bar” on their type writer when they were coming up with a nickname for Toronto.

But instead of mucking this thing up in a courtroom, paying thousands of dollars to haggle and hem and haw over beak length and bird species, why don’t we just all suck it up, put on our big boy bartering pants and trade one another.

I plugged in several different scenarios on ESPN’s trade machine and come up with a few potential win-win scenarios that would leave both Creighton and Toronto happy.


Scenario #1:

Trade1

This scenario has Creighton sending their beloved, designated muckraker and NCAA Eligibility defying point guard, Grant Gibbs and the Cyanocitta cristata to our Northern Neighbors.  What does Creighton get in return?  Why, none other than human Meme-machine gun Rob Ford.  Ford’s comedic value is completely unstoppable, he is a cheap acquisition, and if you sat him courtside for every Creighton basketball game for the next 5 years you can guarantee the internet would go supernova on itself.  Toss in divisive-but-talented Toronto-ite Drake?  And you’ve got a trade that works out well for all parties.


Scenario #2:

Biebs

This scenario would qualify as one of the all-cliché-first-team “Blockbuster” trades.  This one has both sides giving up something near and dear to them in order to attempt to find a common ground.  It has Creighton (*Author’s note: on behalf of the entire United States) sending Justin Bieber back to the frozen tundra Beyond the Wall.  It would also have Creighton giving up their logo, but instantaneously becoming the most popular university in America.  Enrollment would quintuple and Greg McDermott would be jointly canonized and written in to victory as President of the United States in 2016.

Toronto would get to lose the legacy of *Roger Clemens and they would get to force-feed their beloved metric system further south onto U.S. soil.  Ultimately, Toronto would sell their soul for a chance at keeping their logo and they would increase tweenage attendance at their games exponentially.

What trades do you guys have?  Plug them in.  We don’t need Wayne Brady to make a deal (*Author’s note: or to choke a bitch.)

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This morning the head coach of the Cleveland Browns, Mike Pettine, chose a starting quarterback.  Or at least he announced it to the world this morning.  You may have already guessed that, heard it through the 140-character digital grapevine, or even noticed “Hoyer” trending on Twitter for the first time in the history of the universe.

Pettine announced that Brian Hoyer had been “The clear leader from the start” in a statement he issued early this morning to the press.  So that’s how he informed the media, and thereby the public, of his decision.  But that got me to wondering: how did Pettine break the news to Johnny F. Heisman Football?

Here are some theories on how Mike Pettine relayed this devastating news to Johnny Manziel.


Theory #1: By attempting to put the decision into terms that Johnny would understand.

Benched

We all know that Manziel and rapper Drake are pretty tight.  So what better way to let Manziel down easy than some customized artwork that will call to mind his bromance with his favorite rapper?  I’m sure when Pettine hand-delivered this custom album cover Johnny probably understood exactly what had just happened.


Theory #2: By leaving the memo for Johnny in a place where he knew he’d find it.

Benched2

If you want to get a hold of someone, learn their habits and leave them a message where they’re most likely to find it.  I’m sure that Pettine and Manziel’s relationship has had some ups and downs, but if Pettine really wanted to communicate with Johnny he probably knew the best place to get the message across.


Theory #3: By shouting out, “I nominate the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, Brian Hoyer.” Moments before getting the only ice-bath he’ll probably ever get (*Author’s note: Because, Cleveland) in the Ice Bucket challenge.

Pettine

It’s viral.  It’s trendy.  And it’s for a good cause? The only loser in this scenario is the stunned “Uncle Nate” as Manziel spits out his Bud Light platinum all over Uncle’s iPad in shock.


Theory 4: By Rocking a customized anti-Manziel jersey to practice this morning.

Manz

I predict that this jersey will go on to be one of the top sellers on NFL.com.  Pettine better see if he can get a trademark on this one so he at least gets a chunk of the royalties.


Theory #5: By holding “The Decision II: Decision Harder” at a Boys and Girls Club of Cleveland, sitting down with Jim Gray and announcing that Brian Hoyer would be taking his talents to the starting lineup.

Pettine2

After Manziel rolls up a $20, snorts some blow off the chest of a supermodel, gives Jim Gray the finger and does the money sign directly in front of his crotch, the special is summarily canceled and the footage is burned in ESPN’s incinerator (*Author’s note: which is powered by the furnace of hot air spewing from Skip Bayless’ mouth on a daily basis).

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Ohio State Quarterback Braxton Miller re-injured his throwing shoulder last night.

While the reports and rumors and unnamed sources have been swirling around in a digital maelstrom, one thing is clear.  Braxton Miller is going to be out for a while.  The Buckeyes will be without their 2-Time reigning Big Ten Offensive Player of the Year QB for the entire season, according to many reports.

So what happens now to a team with very real, very tangible college football playoff hopes?

ESPN, for their part, believes firmly that Ohio State will be just fine.  That they have a backup plan in place.

Capture

But what is this plan that they’re referring to?  Is it to shift Miller over to another position, a la Denard Robinson, and continue to utilize Miller’s open field elusiveness and explosive big play ability?  Maybe.

Howver, here’s what I believe Urban Meyer’s 10-step “backup plan” really looks like.


Step 1

Immediately stress-eat some cold Papa John’s.

Go find the sweet, sweet, ass-embrace of a pleather-seated golf cart and immediately crash-land there for a personal-sized pizza binging.  Focus on looking as miserable and as thoroughly exhausted as possible.  If you feel the need to run your hands through your hair in an attempt to keep from freaking the hell out, feel free to do so.


Step 2

File an emergency injunction with the NCAA for a 5th year of eligibility for one Timothy Richard Tebow

Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?  Besides, he’s not really doing a whole lot these days, other than BFF-ing around with Paul Finebaum.  If we know one thing about Tim and Urb’s relationship, it’s that they just can’t quit each other.  And if we know one thing about the NCAA, it’s that they routinely botch easy decisions and make insane choices with things like eligibility.  Here’s a quick picture of what would happen at ESPN if Tim Tebow, LeBron James, and Johnny Manziel were all within a 200 mile radius of one another simultaneously?


Step 3

Bring in motivational speakers, and former Urban Meyer disciples, Riley Cooper and Aaron Hernandez

Presentation1

When Urban was coaching his self-proclaimed “greatest team in college football history” he was, of course referencing the high-character guys that he coached during his time at the U of F.  While Cooper is likely available, if he’s not too busy attending some *kough* *kkough* rallies he may have to Skype in Hernandez or accept a collect call from inmate #27663H in order to get the full motivational duo-effect.


Step 4

Call Brady Hoke back and tell him that the message he left you of himself laughing hysterically for 3 minutes and then shouting “suck it.” into the phone was highly unprofessional.  Then hire the Pouncey bros. to head over to Hoke’s house and tune his ass up.


Step 5

Contact training staff of the Seattle Seahawks and see if they have a “specialist” that Braxton can speak to

Capture1


Step 6

This.

43ixb


Step 7

Go to local YMCA and infiltrate Aaron Craft’s pickup game where he still tries obnoxiously harder than everyone else and see if you can convince him to suit up one last time for his alma mater.  What’s he going to say, no?


Step 8

Use your ties with the local law enforcement agencies, cultivated by years spent dealing with them constantly, and see if they can recommend any inmates so you can put together a Longest Yard style quarterback competition.


Step 9

Retire

It’s what you do best.  Other than win an f-load of football games, anyway.


Step 10

Un-Retire

Dramatic.  Impassioned.  Way richer than not being a coach.  It’s time to rally the troops.  Repeat steps 1-3 as needed.

FIN

A Hail Mary from RKIII.

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Did you know that Mark Mangino is coaching at Iowa State?  Now you do.

Here for your enjoyment is an extremely short short film.  And, yes, it was shot with a wide angle lens. (*Author’s note: hiiii-ooooo!)

In the words of that immortal ass-bag Terrell Owens: Getcha’ Popcorn Ready!

FIN

We live in a modern era.  An era in which any NFL owner that goes out, gets plowed, and then finds himself engaging in hyper-sexualized cellphone pics with women who are 50 years his junior will probably get nailed for trying to get nailed.

View image on Twitter     View image on Twitter

It’s all digital now.  Jerry Jones can’t sneak off to the women’s room with some would-be Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders without someone snapping a damning selfie and firing that bad boy off into the Twittersphere.  It’s what’s great and terrible and hilarious and sad about the omnipresent social media presence of today.

So what would happen to a dude like Jerry Jones the day after someone’s cellphone got him in trouble?  His own cellphone would probably be blowing up with phone calls and texts from various members of his “camp.”  We were able to get a hold of some of these text messages through a top-secret covert operative within the Dallas Cowboys’ organization.  Someone with an ax to grind.  Someone who is probably welcoming some of the heat being anywhere else within the cowboys organization.  To protect their anonymity, we’ve chosen to display a blurred photo of the source below.

Romo

Without further ado, here are the texts sent to Jerry Jones this morning.


Garrett


Tebow


Johnny F


Petrino


TO


Springer


Devil

FIN

The Los Angeles Lakers still don’t have a head coach.  It’s now been 3 months since their schedule mercifully came to a close and there is still no head-man to lead the legendary purple and gold franchise for the upcoming season.  There’ve been potential hires.  There’s been rumors of big names cashing fat checks and heading to Hollywood.  But, so far?  The Lakers have found themselves empty-handed.

In recent weeks, however, the Lakers have appeared to be leaning towards former Cavaliers coach, Byron Scott.

Kind of.  Sort of.

The story broke mid-week last week that Byron Scott was going in for his third interview with the Lakers organization.  His third!  He wasn’t interviewing for a position in the CIA deep cover operations unit.  He wasn’t signing on to be a solo-mission astronaut being sent into deep space with no human contact and billions of dollars of equipment not to mess up.  He’s essentially going to be scribbling down a few plays on a clipboard and trying to keep Kobe Bryant from choking out Robert Sacre for being so Robert Sacre-ish.

All those interviews beg the question: what the hell were they asking him in all of those hours spent talking things over?  Well ask that question no more.  We here at Burnpoetry were able to obtain a confidential interview questionnaire that Scott was asked to fill out by the top Lakers brass.  As you can see below, it’s no wonder it’s taken him so long to try to land the gig.


1.  2 Trains leave San Pedro, California at 3:30 PM. Train 1 is driven at 45 MPH and is piloted by a Swagductor, who is wearing bejeweled gator-skinned loafers that have 3-inch-spikes sticking out of them and is currently dating an Australian rapper.  Train 2 is being driven 52 MPH by the most homicidally competitive player the NBA has seen since Michael Jordan.  If both conductors expect to average 17 shots per game and the Lakers have just picked up a shoot-first point guard who is prone to turnovers, how long will it be until there’s a gigantic, steaming pile of train-wreck rubble at center court?

Trains

A) 15 Games into the season
B)  The All-Star Break
C)  Instantaneously.  Like, Polaroid picture fast.
D)  You’re fired.


2.  (Please circle one) Are you #teamlamar or #teamkhloe?


3.  Let’s say, purely, super-hypothetically, that you had an older sister who was smarter, more charismatic, and wildly more competent at running an NBA franchise.  What would you do about it?

Jeannie

A)  Ever heard of OJ?  I’d pretty much do that
B)  Spitefully hammer the team that she and your father loved directly into the ground like a stake on a railroad chain gang
C)  Wake up every morning thanking the sweet lord above for nepotism strong enough to land you the organizational reigns
D)  Plant 10 pounds of weed in Phil Jackson’s her boyfriend’s trunk and phone in an anonymous tip.


4.  True or False: Pau Gasol is the Spanish version of Benedict Arnold?

Pau

A)  True
B)  False


5.  Mitch has $56,912,541.  Kobe takes away $23,500,000 and Jeremy takes away $14,898,938.  How many dollars does Mitch have left to flush down a gold-plated toilet on over-the-hill veterans?

A)      Steve Nash Dollars and Carlos Boozer Cents
B)      √Juwanhoward
C)      Is Drew Gooden around still?
D)     Unlimited amounts.  The luxury tax can suck it.


6.  Are you cool with black people?  I know that sounds like a weird question, but there’s just a lot of heat out here at the Staples Center right now surrounding racists.

A)  Yes
B)  Are you a moron?


7.  Are you, in fact, a secret agent sent by Phil Jackson with the sole intent of bringing about the devious ruination of this once-great franchise?

Phil

A)  Yup
B)  Nah


8.  What is your personal philosophy with regards to growing a nasty mustache and constantly having people call you Mark Dantonio by mistake?

A)  Won’t happen on my watch
B)  ‘Stacheless 4 Lyfe


9. (The following is a guest question written by a confidential Lakers player)  What is the true meaning of life?

A)  Getting Kobe the best look in an isolation play run specifically for him
B)  Getting Kobe the best look in an isolation play run specifically for him
C)  Getting Kobe the best look in an isolation play run specifically for him
D)  Getting Kobe the best look in an isolation play run specifically for him


10.  Essay portion of the interview:

In 10,000,000 words or less, try to explain away the fact that this photo exists:

FIN