In a video that began circulating the internet on April 22, 2015 I truly believe that YouTube jumped the shark. I know this is a bold statement to make, but it’s one that I feel I can back up with hard video evidence. Here, submitted for your viewing pleasure, is a girl peeing herself while being interviewed about a guy being shot. Take your time and enjoy. Analysis will follow.
I’m usually pretty skeptical about this kind of thing. Many times I’m the first cynic to shout out: “That shit is staged!” But, I have to admit, this video clip certainly seems pretty legit. So let’s break down the different phases of this interview.
Phase 1) Before you even starte the video, note the girls’ stance. It’s classic about-to-open-the-urine-floodgates posture. I thought people doing the news were supposed to be astute observers of the human condition.
Phase 2) The girl first mentions she needs to pee. She’s not subtle. She just tags that part on in mid-interview.
Phase 3) The reporter assumes the dude that got shot had to go pee. “Oh, that’s what he said?” She says, not understanding that her cross-legged homegirl here appears to have been crushing 64-ounce slushies over at the gas station all day. Classic mistake. The reporter has clearly seen Forrest Gump too many times.
Phase 4) “I got to pee. I’m peeing myself.” At this point, the reporter doesn’t back down or even attempt to shut things down. She’s really going for that local Emmy, damnit, and some girl who is now visibly grabbing herself in an effort to HOLD IN HER BODILY FUNCTIONS isn’t going to stop her.
Phase 5) She now whispers the words “I got to pee” to someone off camera. This stage is when you know shit just got real. Think about it. Whenever someone whispers something in a movie, that means it’s more important.
If you whisper something to me when I’m reporting it, it’s getting my attention. Because it’s either a confession, a declaration of some heinous crime you’re planning to commit, or it’s because you’re about to urinate down your leg in HD. The reporter is unphased by this silently mouthed revelation.
Phase 6) “I just peed myself.”
Phase 7) The reporter attempts to show a little human compassion and touch our pants-wetting friend on the shoulder with faux-concern. The girl wobbles as she loses control. Yup. She’s just peed herself on live TV.
Phase 8) The girl’s pants begin to show the end result of her lack of bladder control. And, of course, she’s wearing khakis. Because, if you were going to manage to pee yourself in front of a large TV audience the last pair of pants you’d want to wear would be tight, pee-showing khakis.
Phase 9) Give the girl credit, here. She’s still trying to finish the damn interview. That’s heart. That’s character. She wants to help out the people of Greenville, Mississippi so they know what’s going on. The fact that she’s now being forced to hide her pee-stains isn’t going to deter her from doing her civic duty.
Phase 10) This face:
Phase 11) Only now, after the reporter realizes she’s crossed the threshold of human decency and created an R. Kelly snuff film, does she attempt to end the interview. My favorite part: the guys who uploaded this video to YouTube absolutely lose it here.
Phase 12) Someone get this girl an Emmy. And some clean pants.